Dad Jokes

1. How can you spot a baby snake? It's got a rattle.
2. What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.
3. What did one horse say to the other? You mustang out with me.
4. What did one pen say to the other? You're ink-redable.
5. What do call a cold parrot? A brrr-d.
6. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
7. What do you call a fake father? A faux pa.
8. What do you call a fly with no legs? A walk.
9. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
10. What do you get when you cross a grocery store and a scientist? Market research.
11. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Half a worm.
12. When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
13. Where do polar bears vote? At the North Pole.
14. Where do rabbits go for breakfast? IHOP.
15. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
16. Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? There's no atmosphere.
17. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
18. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? It was two-tired.
19. Why did the belt go to jail? It held up a pair of pants.
20. Why did the man cut his camping trip short? It was in tents.
21. Why did the photograph go to jail? It was framed.
22. Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? It was tired of being pushed around.
23. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
24. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's too far to walk.
25. Why do golfers always bring an extra pair of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
26. Why don't cats tell stories? They only have one tail.

Funny Bad Jokes

1. A company is making glass coffins. Whether they’re successful remains to be seen.
2. A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
3. Did you hear about the beautiful wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
4. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Poor guy really needed some space.
5. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
6. Did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.
7. Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece
8. Did you see the documentary about beavers? It was the best dam show I ever saw
9. Have you heard the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
10. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
11. How is a woman like a grenade? Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone
12. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
13. I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I’m forever placed on some kind of watch list.
14. I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
15. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
16. If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
17. If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address… don’t worry, it’s just spam.
18. If you’re American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European.
19. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
20. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, Does this taste funny to you?
21. What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? Wasa-B
22. What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
23. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies.
24. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
25. What was the mummy’s favorite type of music? Wrap.
26. What’s the award for being the best dentist? A plaque.
27. What’s the loudest kind of pet you can get? A trumpet.
28. When is a door not really a door? When it’s really ajar.
29. Why can’t wildcats take tests? There are too many cheetahs.
30. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
31. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
32. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They’re so good at it
33. You know why they called it the dark ages? There were too many knights.
34. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

Jokes for Friends

1. Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.
2. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
3. Two fish are in a tank. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, Do you know how to drive this thing?
4. What did one wall say to the other? Meet me at the corner
5. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey
6. What did the teacher do with the student’s report on cheese? She grated it.
7. What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano? Dad?
8. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
9. What’s big, gray and doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
10. What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.
11. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
12. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
13. What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted
14. Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.
15. Why are colds bad criminals? They’re easy to catch.
16. Why are there fences around cemeteries? Everyone’s always dying to get in.
17. Why did the baby cookie cry? Its mother was a wafer so long.
18. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
19. Why don’t dinosaurs talk? Because they’re dead.
20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? They’re shellfish.

Corny Bad Jokes

1. A dinosaur was in a car accident. It was a tyrannosaurus wrecks.
2. Carbon and hydrogen went on a date. I heard they bonded.
3. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
4. Did you hear about the polite clown? It was a nice jester.
5. Did you hear about the witch that went into the desert? She was having a dry spell.
6. I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong.
7. I avoid hanging out with pigs. They're a boar.
8. I avoid highways in winter. I don't like getting the cold shoulder.
9. I bought an automatic shovel. It's groundbreaking.
10. I don't file my nails. I prefer to throw them away.
11. I excel at sleeping. I can even do it with my eyes closed.
12. I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.
13. I got rid of my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
14. My dog sat on a piece of sandpaper. It was ruff.
15. Pigs shouldn't drive. They always hog the road.
16. Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.
17. The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
18. Two walkie talkies got married. The reception was amazing.
19. What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? An investigator.
20. What's stranger than seeing a catfish? Watching a fish bowl.

Jokes for Kids

1. Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
2. Did you hear about the medieval lamp? It's a knight light.
3. Did you hear the one about the dull pencil? It was pointless.
4. How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.
5. How do you identify a dogwood tree? By its bark.
6. How much do roofs cost? Nothing. They're on the house
7. What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
8. What did one plate say to the other? Dinner's on me.
9. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
10. What did the lawyer wear to court? A law suit.
11. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
12. What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
13. What kind of bug can tell time? A clock roach.
14. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
15. What's the best way to watch a fishing show? Live stream.
16. Where do elephants store their clothes? In a trunk.
17. Where do learn how to make ice cream? At sundae school.
18. Why did the computer get glasses? It wanted to improve its website.
19. Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
20. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
21. Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected foul play.
22. Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
23. Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.

Knock Knock Jokes

1. Knock, knock Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.
2. Knock, knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo.
3. Knock, knock Who's there? Giraffe. Giraffe who? Giraffe anything to eat? I sure am hungry.
4. Knock, knock Who's there? Ida. Ida who? Ida know, but you better answer the door.
5. Knock, knock Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for dinner.
6. Knock, knock Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help getting in the house.
7. Knock, knock Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you.
8. Knock, knock Who's there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O.
9. Knock, knock Who's there? Teddy. Teddy who? Teddy is my birthday.
10. Knock, knock Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting ... MOOOOOOO.
11. Knock, knock Who's there? Wren. Wren who? Wren will these knock-knock jokes ever end?
12. Knock, knock Who's there? Yvette. Yvette who? Yvette treats animals when they're sick.
13. Knock, knock Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby just stung me, ouch
14. Knock, knock Who’s there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion my sources, it’s going to rain.
15. Knock, knock Who’s there? Ash. Ash who? Gesundheit Need a tissue?
16. Knock, knock Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for asking, it’s me.

Bad Clever Jokes

1. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
2. Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
3. Did you hear about the guy who won the award for best knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.
4. Did you hear about the satellites' wedding? The ceremony was OK, but the reception was terrific.
5. Did you hear the one about the three watering holes in the ground? Well, well, well...
6. Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
7. Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet.
8. How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
9. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
10. How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed
11. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
12. How do prisoners communicate with one another? Cell phones.
13. How do snails fight? They slug it out.
14. How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
15. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
16. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
17. How do you organize an astronomer's party? You planet.
18. How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg
19. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
20. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
21. How many ears do space aliens have? Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.
22. How many tickles can an octopus take? Tentacles
23. How much does an influencer weigh? An Instagram.
24. How much does the heaviest skeleton weigh? A skeleton.
25. I bought sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
26. I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
27. I left my job at a shoe disposal plant. It was sole destroying.
28. I sold my vacuum yesterday. It was just collecting dust.
29. I tried buying camouflage the other day but I couldn't find any.
30. I used to hate body hair, but then it grew on me.
31. I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can really see myself doing.
32. I witnessed an attempted murder earlier—fortunately only one crow showed up
33. I'd tell you the joke about perforated paper, but it's tear-able.
34. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
35. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
36. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
37. The shovel was a truly groundbreaking invention.
38. There are three types of people in this world: People who are good at math and people who are not.
39. Three fish are in a tank. One asked the others, How the heck do you drive this thing?
40. Two guys walks into a bar. The third guy ducks.
41. What can you do if you're scared of elevators? Take steps to avoid them.
42. What concert is worth just 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.
43. What did Eminem say when 50 Cent made him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
44. What did one bean say to the other? How you bean?
45. What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something.
46. What did the animals tell Simba when he walked too slow? Mufasa
47. What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
48. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison
49. What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies
50. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam
51. What did the grape do when it got stomped on? It let out a little wine.
52. What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? You crack me up
53. What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.
54. What did the princess say in the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
55. What did the socks say to the pants? 'Sup britches?
56. What did the thumb say to the finger? I'm in glove with you.
57. What do carb-loving zombies eat? Graaaaaaaains.
58. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
59. What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
60. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
61. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
62. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time
63. What do you call a canine magician? A labracadabrador.
64. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.
65. What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.
66. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
67. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
68. What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish.
69. What do you call a large African mammal with long hair and sandals? A hippie-potamus.
70. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree? A branch manager.
71. What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
72. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
73. What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
74. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
75. What do you call an Italian astronaut? A specimen.
76. What do you call Batman if he skips church? Christian Bale
77. What do you call Samsung's security team? The Guardians of the Galaxy
78. What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho cheese
79. What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
80. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
81. What do you get a man with the heart of a lion? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
82. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
83. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
84. What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
85. What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeno business
86. What grades did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs.
87. What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.
88. What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.
89. What kind of dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary? The thesaurus
90. What kind of music do windmills like? They're metal fans.
91. What kind of tea is hardest to swallow? Reality.
92. What kinds of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies.
93. What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
94. What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.
95. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew
96. What's a foot's favorite snack? Dori-toes.
97. What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers
98. What's big, gray and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
99. What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
100. What's even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.
101. What's Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1.
102. What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
103. What's the action like at a circus? In-tents.
104. What's the award for being the best dentist? A plaque.
105. What's the best name for a man who can't stand? Neil.
106. What's the best part about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
107. What's the best time to see a dentist? Tooth hurty.
108. What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
109. What's the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime.
110. What's the difference between a dapper man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire
111. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and one is a lot lighter.
112. What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
113. What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One you'll see later, the other you'll see in a while.
114. What's the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? One is heir to the throne and one is thrown in the air.
115. What's the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it'll be delighted
116. What's the loudest kind of pet you can get? A trumpet.
117. What's the No. 1 cause of divorce? Marriage
118. What's the worst part of being an egg? You only get laid once (and it's with your mom)
119. Where do skunks pray? In pews.
120. Which school supply is king? The ruler.
121. Why are colds bad criminals? Because they're easy to catch.
122. Why are groups of fish so smart? Because they travel in schools.
123. Why can't a hand be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
124. Why can't wildcats take tests? There are too many cheetahs.
125. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
126. Why couldn't the pirate sit down? His booty got stolen
127. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
128. Why did Cinderella get kicked off of the soccer team? Because she kept running from the ball
129. Why did Cyclops close his school? He only had one pupil.
130. Why did Mozart hate chickens? Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, Bach Bach Bach
131. Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long.
132. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged
133. Why did the golfer need new pants? Because he got a hole in one.
134. Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
135. Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory? Because he took a few days off.
136. Why did the melons have a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
137. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed
138. Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
139. Why did the snowman pick through a bag of carrots? Because he was picking his nose.
140. Why did the toilet paper roll downhill? To get to the bottom.
141. Why do ghosts love elevators? Because they lift their spirits.
142. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.
143. Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
144. Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.
145. Why should you never eat a clock? Because it's too time-consuming.
146. Why shouldn't you make a dad joke if you're not a dad? Because it's a faux pa.
147. Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? Because it's pointless.
148. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
149. Why was the broom late for a meeting? It overswept.