Christmas Tree Jokes

1. How are Christmas trees like blockbuster movies? They both have stars.
2. How can you distinguish a Christmas tree from a dog? By its bark.
3. How did the two rival Christmas trees get along? They signed a peace tree-ty.
4. How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out? They spruce up
5. How do Christmas trees get their email? They log-on.
6. How is a Christmas tree like a bad seamstress? They both drop needles.
7. How is a Christmas tree like a nice dog? It's all bark and no bite.
8. How many Christmas trees can you plant in an empty field? One, because then the field isn't empty anymore.
9. What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a Christmas tree farm? May the forest be with you
10. What did one Christmas tree say to the other? Lighten up
11. What did the Christmas tree do after its bank closed? It started his own branch.
12. What did the Christmas tree wear to stay warm? A fir cloak.
13. What do Christmas trees wear at the pool? Swimming trunks.
14. What do they sing to Christmas trees at their retirement parties? Fir he's a jolly good fellow.
15. What do you call a mistletoe who didn't return to the military on time? Absent without leaf.
16. What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? A pine-apple.
17. What do you get when you cross a pig and Christmas tree lights? A piglet
18. What happens to Christmas trees on Valentine's Day? They get all sappy.
19. What month does a Christmas tree hate the most? Sep-timber
20. What rock band did the mistletoe love to listen to? Kiss.
21. What weighs less, a pound of mistletoe or a pound of pine needles? Neither, they both weigh one pound.
22. What's another name for an artificial Christmas tree? Faux fir.
23. What's as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather? Its shadow.
24. What's the most frustrating thing about being a Christmas tree? Having so many limbs and not being able to walk.
25. Where do you find a Christmas tree? In between Christmas two and Christmas four
26. Which former president planted the most Christmas trees? Wood-row Wilson
27. Who guards the Christmas tree? Tinsel-diers.
28. Why are Christmas trees more noticeable at Christmas? They have more presence.
29. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.
30. Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the presents beneath them.
31. Why did the Christmas tree go to decorating school? So it could spruce up the forest.
32. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed.
33. Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor? It was looking a little green.
34. Why do Christmas trees make such wonderful pets? They have a great bark, but wooden bite.
35. Why was all of the mistletoe growing up one tree? It was the poplar tree.
36. Why was the Christmas tree in charge of hosting the award show? He really knew how to present.
37. Why was the mistletoe leaf shaped like a chicken? It grew up in a poultree.

Snowman Jokes

1. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
2. What did the snowman say to the other snowman? You're cool.
3. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Wheats.
4. What do snowmen like to do on the weekend? Chill out.
5. What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.
6. What do you call a snowman that's past its prime? Water.
7. What does a snowman like to put on his icebergers? Chilly sauce.
8. What is a girl snowman called? A snow-ma'am.
9. What is Frosty the Snowman's favourite cereal? Ice Crispies.
10. Why did the snowmen get dressed up for the party? It was a snowball.

Snow Jokes

1. How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer.
2. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
3. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps.
4. What do you call a snowman party? A snowball.
5. What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics? A puddle.
6. What do you get when you cross vampires and snowmen? Frostbite.
7. What happened when the snowgirl broke up with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder.
8. What is a mountain's favorite type of candy? Snow caps.
9. Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
10. Why did the snowman turn yellow? Ask the little boy over there.
11. Why does everyone love Frosty the Snowman? He's cool.
12. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose.

Santa Jokes

1. How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm? His sleigh is flown by raindeer.
2. How can you tell when Santa is around? He always makes his presents known
3. How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? He held on for deer life.
4. How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance? Present
5. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.
6. How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt.
7. How do you know when Santa's around? You can always sense his presents.
8. How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera.
9. How many presents can Father Christmas fit in an empty sack? Only one after that it's not empty anymore.
10. If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be? A subordinate Claus.
11. What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.
12. What brand of shoe does Santa wear? I don't know, boots me
13. What did Santa say to his elves? Here's a mistle-token of my appreciation.
14. What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw their Christmas tree? It looks okay, but you could Spruce it up a bit.
15. What did Santa say when he stepped in a puddle? It looks like it reindeer.
16. What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
17. What do baby elves learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole? The elf-abet.
18. What do Santa's little helpers like to eat on a cold day at the North Pole? Elf-abet soup
19. What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.
20. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less.
21. What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause
22. What do you call an elf that can sing? A wrapper.
23. What do you call Father Christmas when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
24. What do you call it when Santa takes a break? A Santa Pause.
25. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
26. What does Santa spend his hard-earned salary on? Jingle bills.
27. What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door.
28. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
29. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
30. What says Oh, Oh, Oh and wears a big red suit? Santa walking backwards
31. What was Santa's favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree
32. What's red and white and falls down chimneys? Santa Klutz
33. What's Santa's favorite fruit? (Sugar)plums.
34. What's Santa's favorite type of potato chip? Kringles
35. Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most? Rude Olph.
36. Which U.S. state is Santa's favorite? Idaho-ho-ho
37. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
38. Who delivers presents to sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
39. Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down? The abominable towman.
40. Who's Santa's favorite singer? Elfish Presley.
41. Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
42. Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
43. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
44. Why does Santa have so many gardens? So he can hoe hoe hoe.
45. Why don't you ever see Santa Claus in the hospital? Because he has private elf care.
46. Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints
47. Why was there a ticket on Santa's sleigh? He was in a snow parking zone.
48. Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Christmas Puns

1. A mistle-toast to the holiday season.
2. A round of Santa-plause
3. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
4. As it snow happens.
5. Best in snow.
6. But wait—there's myrrh.
7. Can I get a watt watt?
8. Christmas is always a Claus for celebration
9. Claus all of me…loves all of you.
10. Deer to dream.
11. Did you hear about what happened to the man who stole the advent calendar? He got 25 days.
12. Don't be elfish.
13. Fir sure.
14. Have a be-yule-tiful Christmas
15. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
16. He came, he thawed, he conquered.
17. Here's a mistletoe-ken of my appreciation.
18. Hold on for deer life
19. How can you tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents.
20. How did the snowman pay for his groceries? With cold cash.
21. How do you invite Santa to a party? You request his presents.
22. How do you wash your hands over the holidays? With Santa-tizer.
23. How does a gingerbread man make his bed? With a cookie sheet
24. How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
25. How does Jack Frost get to work? On a snowmobile.
26. How rude-olf you.
27. I have the final sleigh.
28. I love you a whole watt.
29. I love you from head to mistletoe.
30. I only have ice for you.
31. I told you snow.
32. I'm Claus-trophobic
33. I'm Claus-trophobic.
34. I'm elf-taught.
35. I'm feelin' pine.
36. I'm pine-ing for you.
37. I'm s-mitten.
38. I'm snow bored.
39. Icy what you did there.
40. It takes one to snow one.
41. It's ice to meet you.
42. It's snow joke.
43. Let's have a jingle ball tonight.
44. Let's take an elfie.
45. Love at frost sight.
46. Make it rein.
47. No need to Claus a scene
48. Oh, deer
49. Oh, deer.
50. One, Two, Tree.
51. Raise a mistle-toast
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. Resting Grinch face.
54. Say it ain't snow.
55. She has high elf-esteem.
56. Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
57. Sleigh queen, sleigh.
58. Sleigh, what?
59. Snow on and snow forth.
60. Snow thank you.
61. Stocking up on our favourite holiday treats
62. That look soots you.
63. That's a wrap
64. The Christmas alphabet has noel.
65. The snuggle is real.
66. This is snow laughing matter.
67. Time to spruce things up.
68. Treat your elf
69. Up to snow good.
70. We're orna-meant to be.
71. What comes at the end of Christmas? The letter S
72. What did one Christmas tree say to the other? I'm pining for you.
73. What did one snowman say to the other? Did you pick your nose?
74. What did Santa say after returning to the North Pole? There's snow place like home.
75. What did Santa say to the comedian? You sleigh me.
76. What did Santa say when he stepped into a big puddle? It must have reindeer.
77. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? Wanna hang out?
78. What did the icy road say to the truck? Want to go for a spin?
79. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
80. What do fish sing at Christmas time? Christmas corals
81. What do grapes sing at Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jelly.
82. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice Crispies.
83. What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa's workshop? A rebel without a Claus
84. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
85. What do you call someone afraid of Santa? A Claus-trophic.
86. What do you get when you cross a pig and Christmas tree lights? A porcupine.
87. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
88. What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A Pony sleigh station.
89. What does Rudolph want for Christmas? The newest Sleigh Station.
90. What happened to the elf who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
91. What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
92. What is a Christmas tree's least favorite month? Sep-timber
93. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
94. What kind of music do elves like to listen to? Wrap
95. What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
96. What's a cat's favorite holiday song? Here Comes Santa Claws.
97. What's Tarzan's favorite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
98. What's the best Christmas present? A broken drum. You can't beat it
99. Where do Christmas trees go to have fun? Tinseltown.
100. Where do reindeer go for coffee? Star-bucks
101. Where do snowmen keep their money? In snowbanks.
102. Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer? Spruce Springsteen.
103. Why are elves such great motivational speakers? They have plenty of elf-confidence.
104. Why can't you shock reindeer? They've herd it all.
105. Why did the Christmas tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal
106. Why did the snowman get detention? He was up to snow good.
107. Why did the snowman get lost? He didn't snow his way home.
108. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho ho ho.
109. Why is it always cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decem-burr.
110. Why is it always so cold around Christmastime? Because it's Decembrrr.
111. Why is it so difficult to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered.
112. Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney? He has Claus-trophobia.
113. Why is the Grinch such a good gardener? He has a green thumb.
114. Why should Santa make an Instagram account? So he can sleigh for the world to see.
115. You have to branch out.
116. You snow the drill.
117. You're sleigh-in' it.
118. Your decorations look tree-mendous
119. Your presents is requested.
120. Yule be sorry

Christmas Presents

1. Buying presents this year is a bit of a tree-for-all.
2. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack? Just one. After that, it's not empty
3. I can always predict what's inside a Christmas present. It's a gift.
4. I tried wrapping gifts all by myself this year, but it's not my gift.
5. My wife said if she didn't like my Christmas gift she'd burn it. So I got her a candle.
6. What animal is best at wrapping gifts? Velociraptor
7. What did Santa say on Christmas morning? That's a wrap
8. What do you get when Santa brings in the presents and a fire is burning? Crisp Kringle.
9. What's the scariest thing about the holidays? The ghost of Christmas presents.
10. Why couldn't the teacher couldn't find anyone to help her with her gifts? No one was present.
11. Why does a broken drum make a good Christmas present? It can't be beat.
12. Why is a foot a good Christmas gift? It fits right in a stocking.

Knock Knock Jokes

1. Knock, knock Who's there? AlaskAlaska who? Alaska again. What do you want for Christmas?
2. Knock, knock Who's there? Allie. Allie who? Allie want for Christmas is you.
3. Knock, knock Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree.
4. Knock, knock Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more presents?
5. Knock, knock Who's there? Avery. Avery who? Avery merry Christmas and a happy New Year
6. Knock, knock Who's there? Avery. Avery who? Avery Merry Christmas to you
7. Knock, knock Who's there? Barry. Barry who? Barry Christmas to you
8. Knock, knock Who's there? Chris. Chris who? Christmas is here
9. Knock, knock Who's there? Claus. Claus who? Claus I can't wait any longer
10. Knock, knock Who's there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.
11. Knock, knock Who's there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.
12. Knock, knock Who's there? Coal. Coal who? Coal Santa, it's Christmas.
13. Knock, knock Who's there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…
14. Knock, knock Who's there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…
15. Knock, knock Who's there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open til Christmas
16. Knock, knock Who's there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open til Christmas
17. Knock, knock Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut open until Christmas
18. Knock, knock Who's there? Elf. Elf who? Elf me wrap this present for Santa
19. Knock, knock Who's there? Freeze. Freeze who? Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow…
20. Knock, knock Who's there? Freeze. Freeze who? Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow...
21. Knock, knock Who's there? Gladys. Gladys who? Gladys finally Christmas.
22. Knock, knock Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and open your gift
23. Knock, knock Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and open your gift
24. Knock, knock Who's there? Ho Ho. Ho Ho who? Your Santa impression needs a little work
25. Knock, knock Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again
26. Knock, knock Who's there? HondHonda who? Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…
27. Knock, knock Who's there? HondHonda who? Honda first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
28. Knock, knock Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to go caroling with me?
29. Knock, knock Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to sing Christmas carols with me?
30. Knock, knock Who's there? Icy. Icy who? Icy you.
31. Knock, knock Who's there? ImIma who? Ima dreaming of a white Christmas...
32. Knock, knock Who's there? Interrupting Santa. Inter–Ho ho ho Merry Christmas
33. Knock, knock Who's there? Interrupting SantInter— Ho ho ho Merry Christmas
34. Knock, knock Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas
35. Knock, knock Who's there? IvanIvana who? Ivana candy cane.
36. Knock, knock Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for Christmas cookies
37. Knock, knock Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time to help decorate
38. Knock, knock Who's there? Kanye. Kanye who? Kanye help me untangle my Christmas lights?
39. Knock, knock Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Ken you help me decorate the Christmas tree?
40. Knock, knock Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke at all these presents
41. Knock, knock Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke at all those presents
42. Knock, knock Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas
43. Knock, knock Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas
44. Knock, knock Who's there? Murray. Murray who? Murray Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
45. Knock, knock Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle money for Christmas shopping.
46. Knock, knock Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good Christmas joke?
47. Knock, knock Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee? Norma Lee we have ham on Christmas.
48. Knock, knock Who's there? Norway. Norway who? Norway am I kissing anyone under the mistletoe
49. Knock, knock Who's there? Oakham. Oakham who? Oakham all yea faithful...
50. Knock, knock Who's there? Oh, Chris. Oh, Chris who? Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree…
51. Knock, knock Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don't you?
52. Knock, knock Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names…
53. Knock, knock Who's there? Pikachu. Pikachu who? Pikachu Christmas presents and I'll be mad
54. Knock, knock Who's there? Pikachu. Pikachu who? Pikachu Christmas presents and you'll be in trouble.
55. Knock, knock Who's there? Sandy. Sandy who? Sandy Claus is coming to town.
56. Knock, knock Who's there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you; did you get it?
57. Knock, knock Who's there? SantSanta who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?
58. Knock, knock Who's there? SantSanta who? Santa Claus, duh
59. Knock, knock Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow one's better than you are
60. Knock, knock Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste, Christmas is coming
61. Knock, knock Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It's almost Christmas
62. Knock, knock Who's there? Snow. Snow who? This is snow time for telling Christmas jokes.
63. Knock, knock Who's there? Tank. Tank who? Tank you for my Christmas present
64. Knock, knock Who's there? Tree. Tree who? Tree wise men.
65. Knock, knock Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you askin' Santa for Christmas?
66. Knock, knock Who's there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne in a manger…
67. Knock, knock Who's there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne in a manger…
68. Knock, knock Who's there? Yah. Yah who? Oh my, someone's really excited about Christmas
69. Knock, knock Who's there? Yule. Yule who? Yule never know.
70. Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?
71. Knock knock. Who's there? AnnAnna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree
72. Knock Knock. Who's There? Donut. Donut who? Donut open before Christmas
73. Knock Knock. Who's There? Freeze. Freeze who? Freeze a jolly good fellow
74. Knock knock. Who's there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again
75. Knock knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas
76. Knock Knock. Who's There? SantSanta who? Santa gift in the mail. Did you get it yet?
77. Knock knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use, I've forgotten my name again
78. Knock Knock. Who's There? Snow. Snow who? Snow what day it is? Christmas
79. Knock, knock. Who's there? AlaskAlaska who? Alaska Santa for a new bike
80. Knock, knock. Who's there? Avery. Avery who? Avery Merry Christmas to you
81. Knock, knock. Who's there? Believe. Believe who? Do you believe in Santa Claus?
82. Knock, knock. Who's there? Census. Census who? Census some presents this Christmas
83. Knock, knock. Who's there? Chris. Chris who? Christmas
84. Knock, knock. Who's there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa on his sleigh
85. Knock, knock. Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you waiting for? Get to sleep so that Santa can come

Jokes for Kids

1. How do chickens dance at a Christmas party? Chick to chick.
2. How do sheep wish each other happy holidays? Merry Christmas to ewe.
3. How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.
4. In what year does New Year's Day come before Christmas? EVERY year
5. Let's kick off the festivities with some classic Christmas jokes for kids.
6. What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter Y
7. What did one snowman say another snowman? You're cool.
8. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
9. What did Santa say at the start of the race? Ready, set, ho ho ho
10. What do donkeys send out at Christmas? Mule-tide greetings.
11. What do elves do after school? Their gnome work.
12. What do gingerbread men use when they hurt their legs? Candy canes.
13. What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells.
14. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceberg-ers.
15. What do snowmen like most about school? Snow and tell
16. What do snowmen take when the sun gets too hot? A chill pill.
17. What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.
18. What do you call a reindeer who wears earmuffs? Anything you want because he can't hear you
19. What do you call Santa when he doesn't move? Santa Pause.
20. What does a grumpy sheep say when his friends told him Merry Christmas? Baaaa humbug
21. What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes
22. What does an elf study in school? The elf-abet.
23. What does Jack Frost like best about school? Snow and tell.
24. What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky? It looks like rain, deer.
25. What does the gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookie sheets
26. What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow
27. What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar? He got 12 months.
28. What is a bird's favorite Christmas story? The Finch Who Stole Christmas.
29. What is an elf's favorite candy? Orna-mints
30. What is an elf's favorite sport? North-pole vaulting.
31. What is Santa's favorite kind of candy? Jolly Ranchers.
32. What kind of ball doesn't bounce? A snowball.
33. What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson
34. What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies
35. What should you give your parents at Christmas? A list of what you want.
36. What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
37. What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
38. Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank
39. Where would you find chilli beans? At the North Pole.
40. Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants? Elephanta Claus.
41. Who leads Santa's sleigh underwater? Ru-Dolphin.
42. Why did Rudolph have a bad grade on his report card? Because he went down in history
43. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crummy.
44. Why did the little boy bring his Christmas tree to the hair salon? It needed a little trim.
45. Why did the turkey join the band? Because he had the drum sticks
46. Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card? Because he went down in history.
47. Why do people love Frosty the Snowman? Because he's the coolest.
48. Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole
49. Why is it so cold at Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrr.
50. Why was the little boy so cold on Christmas morning? Because it was Decembrrrrr
51. Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks.
52. Why were the reindeer still in the barn when they were supposed to be with Santa? They were stalling.
53. Why wouldn't the Christmas tree stand up? It had no legs.

Funny Jokes

1. Did you hear about Rudolph's rollercoaster ride? He held on for deer life.
2. Did you hear about the angry snowman? It had a meltdown.
3. Did you hear about the anxious snowman? He needed to chill out.
4. Did you hear about the ski trip? It started off fine, but went downhill fast.
5. Did you hear about the snowman prom? It was a snowball.
6. Do snow globes ever get scared? No, just shaken.
7. How can you tell if a snowman doesn't like you? He gives you the cold shoulder.
8. How did the bauble get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life
9. How do you lift a frozen car? With a Jack Frost
10. How do you wish a dog Merry Christmas? Feliz Navi-dog.
11. How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side
12. How does Santa Claus keep track of every fireplace he has already visited? Well, he keeps a log.
13. How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? Only 25, there's no L
14. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house.
15. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.
16. Kim Jong Un will play Santa this year in the South's annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change
17. Theresa May has asked Santa for a home makeover this year. First thing on the list was a new Cabinet
18. What carol is heard in the desert? ‘O camel ye faithful'
19. What cars do elves drive? Toyotas
20. What diagnosis did the doctor give to the patient who kept eating Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis.
21. What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? Good game, good game
22. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear
23. What did one angel say to the other? Halo there
24. What did one Christmas tree say to the other? I'm feelin' pine.
25. What did one Christmas tree say to the other? You need to lighten up.
26. What did one of Santa's helpers say to the other? Let's take an elfie.
27. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Does it smell like carrots?
28. What did one snowman say to the other? You smell carrots, too?
29. What did one snowman say to the other? You're cool.
30. What did Rudolph have to say about a big book of noses that Santa gifted him? He said, I already red that one.
31. What did Santa and Mrs. Claus name their daughter? Mary Christmas.
32. What did Santa ask Rudolph when he wanted to ask about the condition of the weather? He asked, Do you think it will rain, dear?
33. What did Santa do when his sleigh broke down? He got it mistle-toed.
34. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf
35. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you
36. What did the beaver say when it saw the Christmas tree? Nice gnawing you.
37. What did the cop say when he a snowman stealing? Freeze
38. What did the ocean say when Santa flew over? Nothing. It just waved.
39. What did the reindeer say before he went up to the comedy show to tell a joke? This one's going to sleigh you.
40. What did the salt say to the pepper on Christmas? Seasonings greetings
41. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross-mouse cards
42. What do Christmas trees get when they go numb? Pines and needles
43. What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells
44. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments
45. What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke? This one's gonna sleigh you
46. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one's gonna sleigh you
47. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet
48. What do sheep say at Christmas? A Merry Christmas to Ewe
49. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.
50. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes.
51. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes
52. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Snow caps.
53. What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsels
54. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne
55. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less
56. What do you call a pig pen in winter? A pig-loo.
57. What do you call a scary-looking reindeer? A cari-boo.
58. What do you call a snowman in the desert? An oasis.
59. What do you call a snowman with no arms or legs? A snowball.
60. What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis.
61. What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin
62. What do you call festive ducks? Christmas quackers.
63. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause
64. What do you call Santa when he's wearing ear muffs? Anything, he can't hear you.
65. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
66. What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses.
67. What do you call Santa's most impolite reindeer? Rude-olph.
68. What do you call someone who can't stop talking about last Christmas? Santa-mental
69. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells
70. What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? A pineapple
71. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker.
72. What do you get when you cross a deer with rain? A reindeer
73. What does a bunny rabbit hang by the fireplace? Celery stalk-ings.
74. What does a gingerbread man use to make his bed? A cookie sheet.
75. What does a stingy sheep say? Bah-humbug.
76. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off
77. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky
78. What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf Farm.
79. What does Santa eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
80. What does Santa eat for breakfast? Mistle-toast.
81. What does Santa use to clean his sleigh? Comet.
82. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show
83. What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow
84. What happened to the turkey at Christmas? It got gobbled
85. What is Santa's dogs name? Santa Paws
86. What is Santa's primary language? North Polish.
87. What is the most competitive season? Win-ter
88. What is white and minty? A polo bear
89. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
90. What kind of salad do they serve at the North Pole? Iceberg lettuce.
91. What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? Mistletoe
92. What should you expect at the end of Christmas Day? The letter Y.
93. What type of cars do the elves of Santa Claus drive? Toy-otas.
94. What would you give a dog as a present for Christmas? The best present would be a mobile bone.
95. What's a child's favourite king at Christmas? A stoc-king
96. What's a Christmas tree's favorite candy? Orna-mints.
97. What's a sheep's favorite Christmas song? Fleece Navidad.
98. What's big and jolly and says, Oh, oh, oh? Santa Claus walking backwards.
99. What's every elf's favorite type of music? Wrap
100. What's green, covered in tinsel, and goes ribbit, ribbit? A Mistle-toad.
101. What's red and green and flies? A sleigh-sick Santa.
102. What's Santa Claus's favorite snack? Ice Krispies Treats.
103. What's Santa's favorite candy? Jolly Ranchers.
104. What's Santa's favorite type of music? Wrap.
105. What's the difference between Ryanair and Santa? Santa flies at least once a year
106. What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh
107. What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose? Frosty the Snowman with a hot flush
108. Where do elves go to vote? The north poll.
109. Where do gingerbread men sleep? On cookie sheets.
110. Where do little trees go to become Christmas trees? Elementree school
111. Where do reindeer go if they lose a tail? The retail store.
112. Where do Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? Star-bucks.
113. Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks
114. Where do you find reindeer? I dunno, depends on where you left them.
115. Where does Santa cash his checks? At the snow bank.
116. Where does Santa keep all his money? At the local snow bank.
117. Where does Santa stay on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
118. Where does Santa stop for coffee? Star-bucks.
119. Where does Santa store his suit? In his Claus-et.
120. Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward
121. Which football team did the baby Jesus support? Manger-ster United
122. Which holiday mascot has the least spare change? St. Nickel-less
123. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph.
124. Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves? Dancer.
125. Which TV Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year? Deal Or No Deal
126. Who delivers Christmas presents to cats and dogs? Santa Paws.
127. Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws
128. Who do Santa's helpers call when they're ill? The National Elf Service
129. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy
130. Who says Oh, oh, oh? Santa Claus walking backward.
131. Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh
132. Who's the snowman's favorite rapper? Ice Cube.
133. Why can't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.
134. Why can't Santa say the alphabet? Because there is no L.
135. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with
136. Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying moron to him
137. Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask people not to eat sprouts on Christmas Day? He wants to give peas a chance
138. Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone
139. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf esteem
140. Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb? Because it would say, Baaaaahh humbug
141. Why did the Grinch decide to go to the haunted house the other day? Because he was searching for the holiday spirit.
142. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off
143. Why do birds fly south for Christmas? It's too far to walk.
144. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much? Because the present's beneath them.
145. Why do reindeer wear bells? Their horns don't work.
146. Why do snowmen live at the North Pole? Because it's cool.
147. Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him
148. Why does Santa use GPS? He doesn't want to be a lost Claus.
149. Why does Snoop Dogg always love giving gifts to everyone? Probably because he's very good at wrapping.
150. Why does The Grinch enjoy gardening? He's got a green thumb.
151. Why doesn't Santa go to the hospital? He has private elf care.
152. Why don't Christmas trees knit? They keeping dropping their needles.
153. Why don't crabs celebrate Christmas? Because they're shell-fish.
154. Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They have snowcaps.
155. Why don't penguins fly? Because they're not tall enough to be pilots
156. Why don't reindeer like picnics? Because of all their ant-lures.
157. Why don't Southern Rail train guards share advent calendars? They want to open the doors themselves
158. Why don't you ever see Santa in the hospital? Because he has private elf care
159. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he's tired of being in the single market
160. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet
161. Why is a Christmas tree so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.
162. Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole? There's o well, no well
163. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered
164. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered
165. Why is Santa so good at karate? He's got a black belt.
166. Why is winter a snowman's favourite time of year? Because they can camouflage
167. Why shouldn't you lend money to elves? They're always short.
168. Why shouldn't you trust snowmen? They're always up to snow good.
169. Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot
170. Why was the turkey in the pop group? Because he was the only one with drumsticks
171. Why wouldn't the cat climb the Christmas tree? It was afraid of the bark.
172. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in the manger.
173. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
174. What do you call an Elf on the Shelf who just won the lottery? Welfy.
175. What's the Grinch's least favorite band? The Who.
176. Why did Scrooge refuse to eat at the Italian restaurant? It costs a pretty penne.
177. Why does Scrooge love reindeer? Because every buck is deer to him.
178. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
179. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.
180. What's the most popular Christmas wine? But I don't like Brussels sprouts

Food Jokes

1. How does a gingerbread man get around with a broken leg? He uses a candy cane.
2. What do gingerbread men have on their bed? Cookie sheets
3. What do snowmen eat for breakfast on Christmas morning? Ice krispies
4. What makes a candy cane a collector's item? It's in mint condition.
5. What's red, white, and blue at Christmas? A sad candy cane.
6. What's Santa's favorite snack? Crisp Pringles.
7. What's the most festive herb? Christmas thyme
8. Where do you buy a Christmas gift for your pig? Hamazon
9. Who is never hungry on Christmas Day? The turkey—it's stuffed.
10. Why did the Christmas turkey form a band? It had the drumsticks

Festive Jokes

1. Children who don't learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
2. Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They're calling for rain, dear
3. Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.
4. What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there's myrrh.
5. What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
6. What do you call a reindeer ghost? Cari-boo
7. What does a festive sheep say at Christmastime? Fleece Navidad.
8. What kind of fish do they have at the North Pole? Jollyfish.
9. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
10. What should you do if your car stalls on Christmas Eve? You get a mistletow.
11. What type of Christmas dessert shouldn't you trust? Mince spies.
12. What would you get if you ate all the Christmas tree decorations? Tinselitis.
13. Why was the candy cane so expensive? It was in mint condition.

Family Jokes

1. How did Mr. and Mrs. Claus fall in love? It was love at frost sight.
2. How did Santa describe the elf who refused to take a bath? He's elfully smelly.
3. How do elves get to the top floor of Santa's workshop? They use the elfator.
4. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we'll go places.
5. What do sheep say to each other at Christmas? Merry Christmas to ewe.
6. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.
7. What is white, has sharp teeth and tastes minty? A polo bear.
8. Who delivers Christmas presents to cats? Santa Claws.
9. Who is Santa's favourite singer? Elf-is Presley.
10. Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin? Cinder-elf-a.

Elf Jokes

1. What did Santa say to the rowdy elf? Please don't Claus a scene.
2. What did Santa say when his elves hid the toys? This is snow laughing matter.
3. What did the elf use when he broke his leg? Candy canes.
4. What did the teacher say to her elves? Line up in jingle file.
5. What do you call an elf dancing with earmuffs on? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
6. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.
7. What is an elf's favourite car? A Toy-ota.
8. Where did the elf go to school? He was elf-taught.
9. Why did Santa have to go to the hospital? Because of his poor elf.
10. Why did the elf have a lot of friends? Because she had high elf-esteem.
11. Why did the elves fall in love? They had great chemis-tree.
12. Why wouldn't the elf share his toys? Because he was elfish.

Deer Jokes

1. How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer? Nothing, it's on the house.
2. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear.
3. What do reindeer say to their kids? I love you deerly.
4. What do you call a blind reindeer? No-eye-deer.
5. What game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
6. What is Rudolph's favourite day of the year? Red Nose Day.
7. What's a reindeer's favourite game? Stable tennis.
8. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.
9. Why did the red nosed reindeer help the old lady cross the road? It would have been Rudolf him not to.

Christmas Dad Jokes

1. A book never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.
2. A gingerbread man went to the doctor's complaining of a sore knee. The doctor asked him. Have you tried icing it?
3. Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
4. Did Rudolph go to school? No he was 'elf' taught.
5. Did you know that Rudolph never went to school? He was elf-taught.
6. Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
7. How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed.
8. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
9. How do you get into a reindeer's house? Ring the deer-bell.
10. How do you help someone who's lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
11. How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer
12. How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y
13. How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate? He uses Comet.
14. How is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and a guy in a suit gets all the credit.
15. How long do a reindeer's legs have to be? Long enough to touch the ground
16. How much did Santa's sleigh cost? It was on the house.
17. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
18. How you can tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents.
19. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
20. I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
21. My friend just won the tallest Christmas tree competition. I thought to myself, ‘How can you top that?'
22. People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there's a whole world of difference between them.
23. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
24. To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
25. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rein, deer
26. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker
27. What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense? But wait, there's myrrh
28. What do fish sing during the holidays? Christmas corals.
29. What do reindeer say before telling a joke? This one will sleigh you
30. What do reindeer use to communicate? The antlernet.
31. What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause
32. What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
33. What do you call a Christmas rom-com about bread? Loaf Actually.
34. What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?A rebel without a Claus.
35. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can't hear you
36. What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife's health insurance? A dependent Claus.
37. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? Crisp Kringle.
38. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues
39. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
40. What do you say to Santa when he's taking attendance at school? Present.
41. What does Santa call the reindeer with no eyes? I have no eyed deer.
42. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.
43. What happened when the vampire bit the snowman? He got frostbite.
44. What is a Christmas tree's favorite candy? Ornamints.
45. What is Santa Claus' laundry detergent of choice? Yule-Tide.
46. What is Santa's favorite pizza? One that's deep-pan, crisp and even
47. What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it
48. What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
49. What is the Christmas carol that you can sing to fruits? Have yourself a berry little Christmas.
50. What kind of money do reindeer use? Bucks
51. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
52. What smells most on Christmas? Santa's nose.
53. What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery? Welfy
54. What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus
55. What's as big as Santa but weighs nothing? Santa's shadow
56. What's Santa's favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles.
57. What's Santa's favorite song by the Ramones? Blitzen-krieg Bop.
58. What's the most popular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
59. When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? Sandy Claus
60. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll
61. Where do the elves go to the toilet in the north pole? The igloo.
62. Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward.
63. Which of Santa's friends is the most chill? Jack Frost.
64. Which of Santa's reindeer are dinosaurs afraid of? Comet.
65. Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet? Because they are rain deer.
66. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.
67. Why did Mrs. Claus get mad at Santa? Because her husband was a flake.
68. Why did Santa go to the liquor store? He was looking for holiday spirits.
69. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They're into all the wrapping.
70. Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy
71. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho'
72. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him
73. Why does St. Nick like the Temptations' version of Silent Night best? Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone.
74. Why is it chilly on Christmas morning? Because it's Decembrrrrr.
75. Why is it so hard to find an advent calendar? Because its days are numbered.
76. Why is Santa scared of chimneys? Because he's claus-trophobic.
77. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.
78. Why was Santa's little helper so sad? He had low elf-esteem.
79. Why was the conversation awkward? There was an elf-ant in the room.
80. Why was Theresa May sacked as Nativity Manager? She couldn't run a stable government

One-Liners

1. A round of Santa-plause, please.
2. Believe in your elf.
3. Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
4. Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa
5. Get the elf out of here.
6. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
7. I once made a snowman laugh so hard, he made yellow snow.
8. I'll never fir-get.
9. Let's get elf-ed up.
10. Santa cleans his sleigh with Santa-tizer.
11. That holiday sweater is so ugly, it gives Stephen King nightmares.
12. That holiday sweater is so ugly, the word ugly filed a defamation suit against it.
13. Treat yo'elf.
14. We have great chemis-tree.
15. You know you overdid it on Christmas when aliens discover our planet, thanks to your light display.

Short Jokes

1. If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an elf get? Mistle toe
2. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
3. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
4. What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree? Nice gnawing you.
5. What do little shark kids call Father Christmas? Santa Jaws.
6. What do you call an old snowman? A puddle
7. What does Santa use to bake cakes? Elf-raising flour
8. What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells.
9. What falls but never gets hurt? Snow.
10. What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
11. What happens to naughty elves? They get the sack
12. What kind of bug hates Christmas? A humbug.
13. What was the Christmas tree's favourite shape? A treeangle.
14. What's a snowman's favorite food? Chili
15. What's an elf's favourite music? Wrap music.
16. When is a boat just like snow? When it's adrift
17. Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? Rude-olph
18. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
19. Who's the cheekiest reindeer? Rude-olph.
20. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can 'ho ho ho'
21. Why does this turkey taste like an old sofa? I thought you liked stuffing
22. Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole? No well, no well
23. Why is Santa so good at karate? He has a black belt.

Corny Jokes

1. Did you hear that Santa knows karate? He has a black belt.
2. What did one Christmas tree say to another? Lighten up
3. What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.
4. What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickel-less.
5. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? The abdominal snowman.
6. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.
7. What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho.
8. What's every parent's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
9. What's Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles.
10. Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing? Because they always drop their needles
11. Why did Santa's helper see a therapist? Because he had low elf-esteem.
12. Why do Donner and Blitzen get to take so many coffee breaks? Because they are Santa's star bucks
13. Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.
14. Why is a foot a good Christmas present? Because it makes a good stocking filler.

Best Christmas Jokes

1. How did the reindeer know it was going to rain? Because Rudolph the red-knows-rain, deer
2. How is Drake like an elf? He spends all his time wrapping
3. How long are an elf's legs? Just long enough to reach the ground
4. The three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
5. What are the best Christmas sweaters made from? Fleece Navidad.
6. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper
7. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve
8. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve
9. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she saw this year's Christmas tree? You could spruce it up a little
10. What did one cranberry say to another at Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jelly
11. What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
12. What do golfers get in their stockings? Silly putty
13. What do you call a laptop growing on your Christmas tree? A pineapple.
14. What do you call a search engine that singes Christmas songs? Michel Googlé.
15. What does Santa do when the reindeer drive too fast? Hold on for deer life.
16. What does Santa say when he gets ill? Oh oh no.
17. What happens when you combine Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker.
18. What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
19. What's it called when you go out to buy a piano this holiday? Christmas Chopin.
20. What's red, white, and green? Santa Claus when he's travel sick
21. What's worse than a reindeer with a runny nose? A snowman with a fever
22. Where does Santa always stay when he goes on any vacation? At the ho-ho-ho-tel.
23. Where would you find a Christmas tree? Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four.
24. Where would you find a snowman dancing? At a snowball
25. Which one of Santa's reindeer has the best moves? Dancer
26. Who's Santa Claus's favorite pop star? It's Beyon-sleigh.
27. Why did only the letter E get a Christmas present? The other letters were not E.
28. Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
29. Why does Drake love giving gifts? He's really good at wrapping
30. Why doesn't Santa eat junk food? Because it's bad for your elf
31. Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole? No well, no well.
32. Why wouldn't Ebenezer Scrooge eat at the pasta restaurant? It cost a pretty penne
33. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle
34. How does Frosty the Snowman get around the neighbourhood? On his ice-icle.
35. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments.
36. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
37. What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws
38. What do you call an old snowman? Water
39. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues.
40. What happens to elves when they are naughty? Santa gives them the sack
41. What kind of cars do elves like to drive? A Toy-ota or an Elfa-romeo
42. What type of key do you need for a Nativity play? A don-key
43. What's the first thing elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
44. Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
45. Which Christmas carol do parents like the most? Silent Night.
46. Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh.
47. Why can't Christmas trees knit? Because they always drop their needles
48. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with him.
49. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? Because they're Santa's star bucks
50. Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him.

Adult Jokes

1. Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you
2. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
3. Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can't stop as fast.
4. If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, do you mind if I visit between the holidays?
5. Is your name Jingle Bells? Cause you look ready to go all the way.
6. Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that's what Mrs. Claus calls it.
7. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney? Chest and nuts roasting on an open fire…
8. What do a train set and boobs have in common? They were both made for kids but dads can't help playing with them.
9. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh? They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
10. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just ornamental.
11. What do three ho's get you? One very jolly Santa.
12. What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar.
13. What's Santa's safe sex tip? Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.
14. What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man? A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
15. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
16. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
17. What's the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? When he gets a sweater, but he's hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
18. Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction.
19. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? He refused to let go of all those ho's.
20. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? He refused to let go of all those irritating ho's.
21. Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
22. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? He desperately needed some holiday spirit.
23. Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.
24. Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.
25. Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.
26. Why doesn't Santa have kids of his own? He only comes once a year.
27. Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
28. Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
29. You know, that's not a candy cane in my pocket… I'm just THAT happy to see you.

Short Christmas Jokes

1. How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm? His sleigh is flown by raindeer.
2. How can you tell when Santa is around? He always makes his presents known
3. How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? He held on for deer life.
4. How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance? Present
5. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.
6. How do you know Santa is good at karate? He has a black belt.
7. How do you know when Santa's around? You can always sense his presents.
8. How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera.
9. How many presents can Father Christmas fit in an empty sack? Only one after that it's not empty anymore.
10. If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be? A subordinate Claus.
11. What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.
12. What brand of shoe does Santa wear? I don't know, boots me
13. What did Santa say to his elves? Here's a mistle-token of my appreciation.
14. What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw their Christmas tree? It looks okay, but you could Spruce it up a bit.
15. What did Santa say when he stepped in a puddle? It looks like it reindeer.
16. What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
17. What do baby elves learn in Kindergarten at the North Pole? The elf-abet.
18. What do Santa's little helpers like to eat on a cold day at the North Pole? Elf-abet soup
19. What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.
20. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less.
21. What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause
22. What do you call an elf that can sing? A wrapper.
23. What do you call Father Christmas when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
24. What do you call it when Santa takes a break? A Santa Pause.
25. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
26. What does Santa spend his hard-earned salary on? Jingle bills.
27. What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door.
28. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
29. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
30. What says Oh, Oh, Oh and wears a big red suit? Santa walking backwards
31. What was Santa's favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree
32. What's red and white and falls down chimneys? Santa Klutz
33. What's Santa's favorite fruit? (Sugar)plums.
34. What's Santa's favorite type of potato chip? Kringles
35. Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most? Rude Olph.
36. Which U.S. state is Santa's favorite? Idaho-ho-ho
37. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
38. Who delivers presents to sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
39. Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down? The abominable towman.
40. Who's Santa's favorite singer? Elfish Presley.
41. Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
42. Why did Santa get a parking ticket on Christmas? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
43. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
44. Why does Santa have so many gardens? So he can hoe hoe hoe.
45. Why don't you ever see Santa Claus in the hospital? Because he has private elf care.
46. Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints
47. Why was there a ticket on Santa's sleigh? He was in a snow parking zone.
48. Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.