Adult Jokes

1. A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, Five beers, please.
2. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food here.
3. Did you hear about the carrot detective? He always got to the root of every case.
4. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
5. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don't know how I feel about that.
6. What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something.
7. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.
8. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway.
9. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.
10. What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
11. Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season? No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
12. Where do snowmen keep their savings? In the snowbank.
13. Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
14. Why did the giraffe get such bad grades? He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
15. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
16. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.
17. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
18. Why won't skeletons fight each other? They just don't have the guts.
19. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Animal Jokes

1. A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, We have a drink named after you The grasshopper replies, Who names a drink 'Steve'?
2. A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge? Attempted murder.
3. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, Why the long face?
4. Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
5. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button.
6. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles.
7. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. ? I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
8. I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. Hardbacks? asked the shopkeeper.Yes, I replied. And they have little heads, too.
9. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane The other cow replies, Good thing I'm a helicopter.
10. Two goldfish are in a tank.One looks at the other and says, You know how to drive this thing?
11. What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.
12. What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
13. What did the frustrated cat say? Are you kitten me right meow?
14. What do you call a bear with no ears? A B
15. What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backward? A receding hare line.
16. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
17. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
18. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
19. What duck walks on two feet? All ducks.
20. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
21. What is a flea's favorite way to travel? Itch hiking.
22. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
23. What language do pigs speak? Pig Latin.
24. What mouse walks on two feet? Mickey Mouse.
25. What time does a duck wake up? The quack of dawn.
26. Where do cows go on Friday nights? They go to the moo-vies
27. Where do polar bears keep their money? A snowbank.
28. Which bird has the worst manners? Mocking birds.
29. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools
30. Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they're always stuffed.
31. Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
32. Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
33. Why do spiders make such great baseball players? Because they catch flies.
34. Why don't ants ever get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
35. Why was the teddy bear not hungry? Because he was already stuffed.
36. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.

Best Jokes

1. And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and you will receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
2. And what do you call that alligator if he's also a thief? A crookodile
3. As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field. But hay, it's in my jeans.
4. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course The Empire State Building can't jump.
5. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents
6. Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
7. Did you hear about the new restaurant, Karma?
8. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
9. Finally, what's black and white and used to be red all over? A newspaper (Womp Womp)
10. Have you seen the movie Constipated? No, it hasn't come out yet
11. How did Noah see on the ark? He used floodlights.
12. How do hens cheer for their team? They egg them on
13. How do you cut the ocean in half? Use a sea-saw.
14. How do you keep an astronauts baby from crying? You Rocket
15. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it
16. How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don't have feet.
17. How do you turn a soup into gold? Add 24 carrots.
18. How does NASA organize a party? They planet
19. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
20. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? Approximately 1 GB.
21. How much teddy bears never want to eat anything? Because they're always stuffed.
22. I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, the signs were all there.
23. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.
24. I googled Rorshach test. But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
25. I started a new job as a tailor last week. It's been sew-sew.
26. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
27. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
28. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
29. I tried to win a suntanning competition. But all I got was bronze.
30. I tried writing with a broken pencil. It was pointless.
31. I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. Thankfully, I turned myself around.
32. I've been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it's been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
33. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
34. If you call your bathroom The Jim instead of The John, your morning routine sounds much better.
35. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, Just you wait
36. My wife accused me the other day of being too immature. I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
37. should you never trust stairs? They're always up to something.
38. Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college. I'll never be able to repay you.
39. The first rule of the Alzheimer's club is… Wait, where are we again?
40. There's no menu. You get what you deserve.
41. Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Sure. Great You start
42. Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one's on the house.
43. What are ninja poots so dangerous? They're silent but deadly.
44. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weakdays
45. What are the world's smartest animals? Fish, because they stay in schools.
46. What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
47. What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something
48. What did one eye say to the other eye? Don't look now, but something between us smells.
49. What did one hat say to another?
50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
51. What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing. It just waved.
52. What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me
53. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
54. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison
55. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison
56. What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick? Put it on my bill.
57. What did the hot dog say after it won the race? I'm the wiener
58. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies
59. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court.
60. What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that, and I'll plaster ya
61. What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest
62. What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? I'm stuck on you
63. What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we'll go places
64. What did the thumb say to the finger? I'm in Glove with you
65. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around.
66. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't peak, I'm changing
67. What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless
68. What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt
69. What do call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese
70. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
71. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waste of time
72. What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake.
73. What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
74. What do you call a dentist in the Army? A drill sergeant.
75. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
76. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
77. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor
78. What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
79. What do you call a monkey when you take his bananas? Furious George.
80. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer
81. What do you call an alligator in a vest? In Investigator
82. What do you call an old snowman? Water
83. What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese.
84. What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.
85. What do you get if you combine a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite
86. What do you get someone who already has everything? A burglar alarm
87. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
88. What do you get when you pamper a cow? Spoiled milk.
89. What does a house wear? Address
90. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
91. What does a pirate do on the weekend? Y-ARRRRR-dwork.
92. What does Santa bring when he goes fishing? His North Pole.
93. What else is black and white and red all over? A skunk with a rash.
94. What goes up when the rain comes down? Umbrellas.
95. What happened to the frog who's car broke down? He had to be toad.
96. What has ears but can't hear? A cornfield.
97. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
98. What is a cat's favorite dessert? Mice Cream
99. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar
100. What is more impressive than a talking parrot? A spelling bee
101. What is tall when it is young but short when it is old? A candle
102. What is the skeleton's favorite instrument? The trombone
103. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm
104. What kind of bear has no teeth? A gummy bear.
105. What kind of bow can't be tied? A rainbow.
106. What kind of car does Yoda drive? A Toyoda.
107. What kind of dogs like NASCAR? Lapdogs.
108. What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey.
109. What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers
110. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants
111. What kind of tea is the hardest? Reality.
112. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
113. What kind of water cannot freeze? Hot water. Duh
114. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
115. What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
116. What sound do kissing porcupines make? Ouch
117. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
118. What test must all witches pass? A spell-ing test
119. What type of dog tells time best? A watchdog.
120. What type of haircuts do bees get? Buzz cuts
121. What type of tree can you hold in one hand? A Palm Tree
122. What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet.
123. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You probably think it's R but it be the C.
124. What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A neck-tarine
125. What's black, white, and red all over? A zebra with a sunburn.
126. What's brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.
127. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
128. What's red and shaped like a bucket? A red bucket.
129. What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish.
130. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
131. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.
132. What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike? The pavement.
133. When does a joke become a ‘dad' joke? When it becomes apparent.
134. When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline is a parent.
135. Where do hamburgers take their dance on Valentine's Day? The Meat Ball
136. Where do mice park their boats? At the hickory dickory dock.
137. Where do pencils go for vacation? Pencil-vania
138. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? IHOP.
139. Where should you go in the room if you're feeling cold? The corner—they're usually 90 degrees.
140. Which building is the largest? The library — it has the most stories.
141. Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves? A Panda
142. Why are computers so smart? They listen to their motherboard.
143. Why are crabs so bad at sharing? Because they're all shellfish.
144. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
145. Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.
146. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrr.
147. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush
148. Why aren't koalas considered bears? They don't have the right koala-fications.
149. Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She'll let it go.
150. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired
151. Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck
152. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because she had hives.
153. Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants
154. Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school
155. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.
156. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crumb-y.
157. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
158. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
159. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one
160. Why did the math book need to see a counselor? Because it was full of problems
161. Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a Fun-Guy.
162. Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
163. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
164. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was going to be a piece of cake.
165. Why did the superhero flush the toilet? Because it was his doody
166. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because it was already stuffed.
167. Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
168. Why did the turkey join the band? Because he had drumsticks
169. Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.
170. Why didn't dinosaurs eat clowns? Because they taste funny
171. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts
172. Why didn't the Teddy Bear eat dessert? Because he was stuffed
173. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen? They might peel.
174. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs
175. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's faster than walking.
176. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
177. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks
178. Why do ducks make great police officers? Because they always quack the case.
179. Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one.
180. Why do scuba divers fall backward off the boat? If they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat.
181. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels
182. Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor
183. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle.
184. Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.
185. Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.
186. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
187. Why don't you ever see giraffes in elementary school? They are all in High School
188. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)
189. Why is Santa such a good gardener? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
190. Why is the baseball stadium so cold? Because it's full of fans
191. Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in
192. Why should you never poot on an elevator? It's wrong on so many levels.
193. Why should you never tell a pig your secret? Because it is sure to squeal.
194. Why should you never tell secrets in a cornfield? They have too many ears.
195. Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.
196. Why was the picture sent to jail? Because it was framed

Dad Jokes

1. Why would you smear peanut butter on a road? To go with the traffic jam
2. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
3. You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
4. A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoiShe whispers, They're right behind you
5. Can February march? No, but April may.
6. How did the bullet lose its job? It got fired.
7. How do mountains stay warm in the winter? Snowcaps.
8. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints.
9. I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
10. I hated beards, but they're growing on me.
11. I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
12. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
13. I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.
14. It's always windy in a sports arenAll those fans.
15. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. ? I told them, Just you wait
16. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. ? That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
17. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.That's just how I roll.
18. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, What's your favorite kind of music? The other replies, I'm a big metal fan.
19. Want to hear a roof joke? The first one's on the house.
20. Want to hear another roof joke? It's probably over your head.
21. What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed.
22. What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
23. What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud
24. What did the paper say to the pencil? Write on
25. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
26. What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends? Pointless.
27. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks? A roamin' Catholic.
28. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
29. What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
30. What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course.
31. What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
32. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
33. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't k now, but the flag is a big plus.
34. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
35. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleeves
36. Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore.
37. Why can't Elsa have a balloon? Because she will let it go.
38. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.
39. Why did the man fall into the cistern? He couldn't see that well.
40. Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed
41. Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
42. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? Because they're Santa's star bucks
43. Why should you never trust stairs? They're always up to something.
44. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
45. Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.

Food Jokes

1. A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, This is a library. The man apologizes and whispers, I'd like a hamburger, please.
2. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de-Brie.
3. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
4. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues? He just flipped.
5. Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law? No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
6. How do you fix a broken gourd? With a pumpkin patch.
7. Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
8. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? Patty
9. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
10. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, man Breathe
11. What do you call a cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese
12. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments? A jam session.
13. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
14. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They're both red except for the green one.
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
16. Where do beef burgers go dancing? The meatball.
17. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? The Meat Ball.
18. Why are jalapeños such good marksmen? Because they haben-arrow.
19. Why can you never gossip in a cornfield? Too many ears.
20. Why did bread break up with margarine? Because he found a butter lover.
21. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
22. Why do comedians love eggs? They're easy to crack up.
23. Why do they serve yogurt at museums? Because it's cultured.
24. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
25. Why should you never tell a taco a secret? Because they tend to spill the beans.

Gross Jokes

1. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
2. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
3. I used to be addicted to not showering. Luckily, I've been clean for five years.
4. Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, Wow, it's pretty hot in here. The other one shouted, Wow, a talking muffin
5. What does the world's top dentist get? A little plaque.
6. What's sticky and brown? A stick.

Knock Knock Jokes

1. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize.
2. Knock, knock. Who's there? Adam. Adam who? Adam my way, I'm coming in
3. Knock, knock. Who's there? Beets. Beets who? Beets me
4. Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c–MOO
5. Knock, knock. Who's there? Leash. Leash who? Leash you could do is answer the doorbell
6. Knock, knock. Who's there? Lena. Lena who? Lena little closer and I'll tell you
7. Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you
8. Knock, knock. Who's there? Theodore. Theodore who? Theodore wasn't open so I knocked
9. Knock, knock. Who's There? To. To who? It's actually to whom.
10. Knock, knock. Who's there? Who. Who who? What are you, an owl?

Science Jokes

1. Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na.
2. How much does a neutron pay for electricity? No charge.
3. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.They're usually 90 degrees.
4. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
5. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
6. What did the nose say to the finger? Quit picking on me
7. What do dentists call X-rays? Tooth pics.
8. What time do you go to the dentist? At tooth-hurty.
9. Where do sick fish go? To the dock.
10. Where does bad light end up? In prism.
11. Why are electrons never invited to parties? They're so negative.
12. Why can you never trust an atom's story? Because it makes up everything.
13. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.
14. Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

silly Jokes

1. Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don't serve your type here.
2. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
3. How does a farmer mend his overalls? With cabbage patches.
4. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
5. I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
6. People think icy is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.
7. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
8. What bow can't be tied? A rainbow.
9. What building in New York has the most stories? The public library.
10. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
11. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises When do we want them? NEEEEYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW
12. What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.
13. What's a balloon's least favorite type of music? Pop.
14. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
15. What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.