Coffee One-Liners

1. A cup of coffee that cost just 5 cents might be a very cheap shot.
2. A cup of coffee that one can enjoy during work has to be called break fluid.
3. BaristHow do you take your coffee? Me: Very, very seriously.
4. Coffee parents punish their naughty kids by grounding them.
5. Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
6. Here you go, I brewed a fresh pot of coffee espresso-ly for you.
7. Honey, this latte tastes like dirt? That is not really surprising, dear. The coffee was just ground this morning.
8. I can definitely say that we are just the perfect blend
9. I want to create a petition to switch the names of Mango and Coffee. Because Coffee makes Man go.
10. My local barista can be really rude sometimes, she doesn’t have a filter.
11. One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee. The other astronaut replies In space no one can. Here, use cream.
12. Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. Coffee!
13. The worst thing about being a giraffe is that your coffee gets cold by the time it reaches your belly.
14. You are brew-ti-ful, my love! No word is enough for me to espresso how much you bean to me.

Iced Coffee

1. How do you grind beans for iced coffee? A brrrr grinder.
2. I really wanted ice cream in my coffee today, but Affogato ask for it.
3. It took 20 minutes to get my iced coffee, but better latte than never.
4. What did the girl say when her iced coffee arrived? Cool beans!

Espresso

1. Don’t worry, be frappe.
2. How is divorce like an espresso? It’s expensive and bitter.
3. I can’t fully espresso my excitement!
4. Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
5. Livin’ la vida mocha.
6. What’s coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum!
7. Why didn’t the espresso talk to the herbal drinks? They weren’t his cup of tea.
8. Why was the latte so upset? Because a customer told the barista it was bitter.

Coffee One-Liners

1. A cup of coffee that cost just 5 cents might be a very cheap shot.
2. A cup of coffee that one can enjoy during work has to be called break fluid.
3. BaristHow do you take your coffee? Me: Very, very seriously.
4. Coffee parents punish their naughty kids by grounding them.
5. Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
6. Here you go, I brewed a fresh pot of coffee espresso-ly for you.
7. Honey, this latte tastes like dirt? That is not really surprising, dear. The coffee was just ground this morning.
8. I can definitely say that we are just the perfect blend
9. I want to create a petition to switch the names of Mango and Coffee. Because Coffee makes Man go.
10. My local barista can be really rude sometimes, she doesn’t have a filter.
11. One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee. The other astronaut replies In space no one can. Here, use cream.
12. Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. Coffee!
13. The worst thing about being a giraffe is that your coffee gets cold by the time it reaches your belly.
14. You are brew-ti-ful, my love! No word is enough for me to espresso how much you bean to me.

Coffee Puns

1. A cappuccino walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Hit me with your best shot.
2. Affogato to tell you something: You’re the greatest.
3. Bean there, done that.
4. Better latte than never.
5. Brew can do it!
6. Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
7. Don't talk to Dad before he’s had his espresso or he’ll lose his tamper.
8. Espressily for you.
9. Espresso my feelings for you.
10. Espresso your love.
11. Everything I brew, I brew it for you.
12. Give it your best shot.
13. Have a brew-tiful day.
14. Hello brew-tiful!
15. Hope your birthday is a latte fun.
16. Hope your birthday is doppio.
17. How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
18. How have you bean?
19. How I feel without coffee: depresso.
20. I believe in brew.
21. I can’t espresso how much I love you.
22. I didn’t choose the mug life, the mug life chose me.
23. I don’t give a frappe.
24. I love brew.
25. I made a pot of coffee espresso-ly for you.
26. I need to venti.
27. I saw two coffee lovers arguing the other day. It was a very heated debate.
28. I should’ve been working but I was procaffeinating.
29. I’m feeling a bit of deja brew.
30. I’m so frappe to know you.
31. I’ve bean busy.
32. I’ve bean thinking of you a latte.
33. I’ve got a latte of problems.
34. If this is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
35. If you were ground coffee you’d be espresso because you’re so fine.
36. It’s going to be a brewtiful day.
37. It’s time to rise and grind.
38. Its bean one of those days.
39. Java great birthday.
40. Java nice day.
41. Just brew it.
42. Mugs and kisses.
43. Never make fun of a barista, they will roast you.
44. Pardon my French roast.
45. See ya later percolator.
46. Sending you a latte birthday wishes.
47. Sending you a whole latte love.
48. Some people lift weights. Personally, I prefer to French press.
49. Sorry affogato your name.
50. Sorry I missed your birthday, better latte than never.
51. Sorry I’m latte.
52. Stay grounded.
53. Take life one cup at a time.
54. Thank you for bean a friend.
55. Thank you for bean there for me.
56. Thank you for everything you brew for me.
57. Thanks a latte.
58. That movie we watched was all froth and no substance.
59. That’s so doppio.
60. The craziest thing happened when I was drinking my coffee this morning. I had a déjà brew!
61. The two coffee lovers got together and made a happy cup-ple.
62. This coffee is espressily for you.
63. This is cool beans.
64. This is how we brew it.
65. This news is hot off the French presses!
66. We were meant to bean.
67. We’re the perfect blend.
68. What did Mr. Coffee say when he went to space? Bean me up, Scotty.
69. What did one coffee say to the other? Where ya bean?
70. What did the barista say when asked to make oat milk latte with cinnamon? I’ll give it my best shot.
71. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee, I have a problem without it!
72. What did the coffee lawyer say to the boiling water? We’ll kettle this in court.
73. What did the coffee lover name his son? Joe.
74. What did the coffee say when he was teased? Don’t mocha me.
75. What did the cup of coffee say to his friend? What’s up, brew?
76. What did the director say at the end of the coffee commercial? That’s a frappe!
77. What did the mommy coffee bean say when the naughty little coffee bean came home late? Where have you bean?
78. What did the new barista say about his job? Working here has lots of perks.
79. What did the two coffee lovers say when they got together? We’re meant to bean.
80. What did the wife say when her husband drank her coffee? This is grounds for divorce!
81. What do cats use to make coffee? A purr-colator.
82. What do crabs order when they go to a coffee shop? Crab-uccino.
83. What do gossiping coffee pots do? Spill the beans.
84. What do you call a bear that makes coffee? A bearista.
85. What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? De-calf-inated.
86. What do you call a sad coffee? Despresso.
87. What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos? Cool beans.
88. What do you call it when you have the same coffee? Déjà brew.
89. What do you say when someone gives you a Mr. Coffee Iced? Cool beans!
90. What does a barista do in the morning? Rise and grind!
91. What does Elsa drink? Iced coffee.
92. What happened when the wife drank her husband’s coffee? The relationship came to a bitter end.
93. What happens if you touch Dad’s coffee? You’ll be grounded!
94. What is a coffee lover’s favorite Beatles song? Latte Be
95. What is it called when you steal someone’s coffee? A mugging.
96. What type of coffee do moles like? Ground coffee.
97. What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind!
98. What’s it called when you steal someone’s cuppa joe? Mugging.
99. What’s Mr. Coffee’s favorite film? A Mug’s Life
100. What’s the best Beatles song about coffee? Latte Be.
101. When do ghosts drink coffee? In the moaning.
102. When should you stop pouring milk into the coffee? Before it is too latte.
103. When you’re craving a cup of coffee, always remember that the ends justify the beans.
104. Where do bad cups of coffee go when they die? To perca-tory.
105. Where have you bean all my life?
106. Which beverage is the worst conduit for electricity? Coffee, because it’s grounded.
107. Which Star Wars character loves coffee? Java the Hutt.
108. While buying coffee, what kind of currency do astronauts use in space? They use Star-bucks.
109. Who forgot to clean the coffee maker? Come on, spill the beans.
110. Why did Mr. Coffee call the police? Because he was mugged!
111. Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
112. Why did the coffee shop close for the day? A storm was brewing.
113. Why didn’t the alpaca want coffee? He only drinks llamanade.
114. Why don’t snakes drink java? Because it makes them viperactive.
115. Why is coffee like mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
116. Why was the barista wearing a mask? It was a coughy filter.
117. Why was the boy upset when he went to a café and ordered a coffee to go? Because the coffee stood up and ran away.
118. Why was the cup of coffee near the top of the class? She was a b-average.
119. Words cannot espresso how much you mean to me.
120. You are mugnificent.
121. You keep me grounded.
122. You mean a latte to me.
123. You mocha me crazy.
124. You pick me up when I’m feeling brew.
125. You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
126. You’re steaming hot.
127. You’re the cream in my coffee.
128. You’re unfrappin’ believable.

Best Coffee Jokes

1. A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.
2. A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go. The coffee gets up and leaves.
3. A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?
4. Coffee is the silent victim in our house… It gets mugged every day.
5. Did you hear about the cow that gave birth? It was de-calf-inated.
6. Did you hear about the grower who claimed his coffee was great? He was full of beans.
7. Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup? He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
8. Did you hear about the woman who insisted it was the man's job to make the coffee in the morning? She showed him the bible where it said Hebrews.
9. Does anyone remember the name of that Italian dessert with espresso poured over gelato? Because of affogato.
10. Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
11. How are coffee beans like kids? They are always getting grounded.
12. How are coffee beans like teenagers? They are always getting grounded.
13. How are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
14. How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
15. How did Russian emperors pay for their coffee? Tsarbucks
16. How did the hipster burn their tongue? They drank their coffee before it was cool.
17. How do cups greet each other? With mugs and kisses.
18. How do metal heads drink their coffee? With Meshuggah.
19. How do you get enough coffee for a cup? By any beans necessary!
20. How do you kill a coffee bean? By decaf-itation.
21. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? You channel surf faster without the remote.
22. How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee.
23. How does a camel take its coffee? With one or two lumps of sugar.
24. How does a coffee snob take their coffee? Seriously. Very seriously.
25. How does a tech guy drink coffee? He installs Java!
26. How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage? One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.
27. How does the serial killer like his coffee? How he likes his victims—all ground up.
28. How is coffee better than a woman? It goes down way easier.
29. How should you react when a place has bottomless coffee? With bottomless thanks
30. I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
31. I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker. It has a lot of perks.
32. I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
33. I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi. It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
34. I was reading a book about the origin of cappuccino but it was all froth and no substance.
35. I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee… Safe tea first, though.
36. It’s not procrastinating if you’re drinking coffee, it’s procaffenating!
37. She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
38. Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
39. Thanks a latte for me being my friend
40. The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people’s coffee.
41. There is a time and a place for decaf coffee… Never, and in the trash.
42. What are coffee websites coded in? JavaScript
43. What are cows so sleepy? They only drink De-calf-inated coffee.
44. What currency can we use to buy coffee in space? S T A R B U C K S.
45. What did one coffee say to the other coffee? Where have you bean!
46. What did one lover say to another in the morning I made a pot of coffee, espresso-ly for you.
47. What did the barista’s Valentine say? I can’t espresso my love for you.
48. What did the bored coffee drinker say? Bean there, done that
49. What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee? What’s Sumatra with you?
50. What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
51. What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never!
52. What did the coffee say to the boiling water? We’ll kettle this in court
53. What did the coffee say to their date? Hey there, hot stuff!
54. What did the coffees say before their night out? Let’s stir up some trouble!
55. What did the cup of coffee say when she didn’t make it on time? Sorry I’m latte
56. What did the excited cup of coffee say to the coffee drinker? Pour some sugar on me, baby!
57. What did the Italian guy say when he was teased? Don’t mocha me!
58. What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married? We’re meant to bean together!
59. What do baristas prefer? Brewnettes
60. What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded.
61. What do brave coffee grounds do? They take the plunger
62. What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common? They’re only good if they’re rich!
63. What do coffee-loving councilors tell the patients in rehab? Choose mugs not drugs
64. What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend? How are you doing percolately?
65. What do gossiping pots do? Spill the beans.
66. What do South Africans drink in the morning? A cup of Johannesburg
67. What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get Lukewarm applause
68. What do you call a layoff notice served in a bag of coffee? Grounds for termination.
69. What do you call it when a coffee joke is so funny that it causes an uproar? A brew-haha.
70. What do you call it when you accidentally put Vietnamese noodles in a coffee mug instead of a bowl? A pho cup.
71. What do you call it when you drop your coffee mug? A coffee break
72. What do you call it when you put off drinking coffee until tomorrow? Procaffeinating
73. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe that you’ve been to before? De-ja Brew!
74. What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
75. What do you call the first level of a coffee factory? The ground floor.
76. What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together? A happy cup-ple.
77. What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you? I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
78. What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee? Arbor-ista.
79. What does specialty coffee have in common with Eric Clapton? Both are good without cream.
80. What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
81. What happens when you accidentally pour coffee in your Ryzen Processor? You get a Coffee Lake
82. What is a bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving? Roast.
83. What is a shark attack survivor’s favorite coffee? Half-caf. I’ll see myself out.
84. What is the best magic coffee spell? Espresso Patronum.
85. What is the last thing Batman will drink in the morning? A cup of Joker
86. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
87. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw.
88. What shape is usually waiting for you at the coffee shop? A line.
89. What should a father say to his daughter every day? You’re brewtiful.
90. What type of coffee do vampires drink? Decoffinated.
91. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
92. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot!
93. What’s a coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum!
94. What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee? Java the Hut!
95. What’s its favorite Bob Marley song? Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.
96. What’s the best Beatles song? Latte Be!
97. What’s the difference between a kid in a time out, and some coffee? One is naughty, the other is not tea.
98. What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore? Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
99. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for coffee.
100. What’s the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One’s an Aristocrat, The other’s a Barista-Cat
101. What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.
102. What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work? Break fluid
103. When do mechanics drink coffee? When they are on a brake…
104. Where do birds go for coffee? To the NESTcafe
105. Who did Han Solo owe coffee to? Java the Hut.
106. Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother? Cap…
107. Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee? Because according to the Torah, He Brews!
108. Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they know how to espresso themselves!
109. Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee? Because they have Italian titles for everything!
110. Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts? They’re muggles
111. Why couldn’t the woman throw her coffee plunger away? It had sedimental value
112. Why did espresso keep checking his watch? He was pressed for time.
113. Why did it take the bean so long to do its homework? Because it was procaffeinating.
114. Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
115. Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
116. Why did the coffee quit playing sports? It always got creamed.
117. Why did the cup of coffee always complain? He was just bitter
118. Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug? That was strong coffee
119. Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
120. Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
121. Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee? It made him too jumpy.
122. Why do I not like hot drinks? It’s just not my cup of tea.
123. Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
124. Why don’t snakes drink coffee? Because it makes them viperactive.
125. Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? It’s a cheap shot.
126. Why should you never make fun of a barista? They will roast you
127. Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company? It can make for a strong and heated debate.
128. Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? She kept showing up in a tea-shirt.
129. Why was the cup of coffee top of the class? She was a beverage
130. Why was the instant cup of coffee so rude? He had no filter
131. Why was the man upset when he was given a coffee? Because it was definitely not his cup of tea.
132. You mocha me very happy.
133. You warm my heart.
134. You’re brew-ti-ful.

Coffee Barista Jokes

1. What did the barista say to the overly excited coffee beans? Kettle down everyone.
2. What did the Starbucks employee say when the police called to say a robber was at large? You mean, At Venti?
3. What do baristas say to their least favorite customers? You mocha me crazy!
4. Why did the cafe close early for the day? A storm was brewing.
5. Why did the coffee shop feel familiar? Déja-brew.