Best Dark Humor Jokes

1. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared. The man replies, How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
2. A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, That's arson.
3. A son tells his father, I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says, You know, you could do better. Thanks Dad, the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, I was talking to your girlfriend.
4. Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
5. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now
6. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
7. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
8. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're being a respectful friend. Do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
9. I have good and bad news, the doctor said to his patient. Give me the good news first, the patient said. Your test results are back, the doctor said, and you have only two days to live. That's the good news? the patient exclaimed. What's the bad news? I've been trying to reach you for two days.
10. I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding 32 old guys.
11. I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
12. My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
13. My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
14. What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
15. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
16. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
17. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. Nothing special, he explained. We just tell them they're going to die.

Funny Dark Humor Jokes

1. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. You can't cut me down, the tree complains. I'm a talking tree The man responds, You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.
2. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, Do you have any last requests? Yes, replies the murderer. Can you please hold my hand?
3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
4. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
5. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body
6. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
7. Do you know the phrase One man's trash is another man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
8. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
9. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
10. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
11. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents
12. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
13. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in
14. I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
15. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Sci-Fi Fantasy section.
16. I have a fish that can breakdance Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
17. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
18. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
19. I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly none of them work.
20. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
21. I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
22. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
23. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
24. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
25. I know a fish that can breakdance Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
26. I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.
27. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
28. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
29. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
30. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
31. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
32. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed does anyone know CPR? I yelled, I know the entire alphabet and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
33. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
34. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
35. I work with animals, the guy says to his date. That's so sweet, she replies. I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work? I'm a butcher, he says.
36. I work with animals, the guy says to his Tinder date. That's so sweet, she replies. I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work? I'm a butcher, he says.
37. I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding the ladder?
38. I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
39. I've stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.
40. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
41. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
42. It's important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my best friends would still be alive.
43. It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be alive.
44. Just say NO to drugs Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
45. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
46. My daughter asked me how stars die. Usually an overdose, I told her.
47. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.
48. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
49. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
50. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
51. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.
52. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
53. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, This isn't working. I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine
54. My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to be positive, but it's hard without her.
55. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
56. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, You'll be next They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
57. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
58. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
59. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, This isn't working. I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine
60. My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
61. Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
62. Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
63. People with Covid have no taste
64. Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.
65. Sorry, what's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
66. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
67. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
68. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
69. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
70. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They're always so twisted.
71. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
72. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
73. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
74. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
75. They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
76. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don't live in a swing state.
77. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
78. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
79. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver
80. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
81. Today, I asked my phone Siri, why am I still single? and it activated the front camera.
82. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
83. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer's funeral? Not a word.
84. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I'm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge
85. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No ideShe hasn't opened her present yet.
86. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.
87. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
88. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
89. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.
90. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
91. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
92. What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
93. What's the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
94. What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
95. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
96. What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
97. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
98. What's the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes
99. What's your name, son? The principal asked his student. The kid replied, D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir. Do you have a stutter? the principal asked. The student answered, No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.
100. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
101. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
102. When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
103. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.Nothing special, he explained. We just tell them they're going to die.
104. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
105. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
106. Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.
107. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, Bach, Bach, Bach.
108. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn't a mourning person.
109. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
110. Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
111. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
112. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
113. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
114. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
115. You know you're not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
116. You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
117. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left. The patient asks him, Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks? The doctor calmly looks at him and says, Nine.
118. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
119. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
120. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
121. I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
122. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh
123. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, You'll be next They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
124. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
125. My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?
126. My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. Usually an overdose, son, I told him.
127. My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. She obviously has COVID, my wife said. Why? I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, Because she has no taste.
128. My wife of 60 years told me, Let's go upstairs and make love. I just sighed and said, Choose one, I can't do both.
129. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. My friend isn't breathing, he shouts into the phone. What should I do? Relax, the operator tells him. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, OK, now what?
130. What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
131. What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
132. What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
133. Where exactly are you taking me, doctor? the patient asked. To the morgue, the doctor replied. What? The patient panicked. But I'm not dead yet And we're not there yet, the doctor said.
134. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.