Funny Jokes

1. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight The woman says, Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes
2. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
3. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, Looks like you blew a seal. No, the penguin insists, it's just ice cream.
4. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means? The boyfriend says, Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.
5. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, I think you have the wrong room. You put in my husband's teeth last week, she replied. Now you have to remove them.
6. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
7. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
8. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
9. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
11. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
12. Let's play carpenter First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
13. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
14. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the ViagrThe police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
15. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
16. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
17. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
18. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
19. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.
20. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
21. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
22. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.
23. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
24. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
25. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.
26. What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.
27. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
28. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.
29. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.
30. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
31. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
32. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
33. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
34. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
35. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.
36. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

Best Dirty Jokes

1. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
2. A dad tells his son Stop masturbating if you do it too long you will go blind. The son replied Dad, I'm over here.
3. A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
4. A woman walks out of the produce section with bad news. She changed the cucumber into a pickle.
5. An old lady goes to the dentist, sits down, drops underwear and lifts her legs.
6. Are you a coconut? I want to smash you until all the white stuff comes out.
7. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
8. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts
9. Dirty mind test: What starts with d and ends with ick? Drumstick.
10. Do you need a carpenter? Because I could nail you then hammer you.
11. Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it and if you're not careful, it may drip. What is it? A nose.
12. Have you heard about the constipated accountant? He used paper and pencil to budget.
13. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? Because his right hand caught on fire.
14. How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It's not hard.
15. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her.
16. If a blonde girl says you have a big d___. She's probably just pulling your leg.
17. If a little person says your hair smells nice. Is that s3xual harassment?
18. Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x? Marriage.
19. Want to know how to fit 71 people in the car? 2 in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
20. What are 3 two letter words that mean small? Is it in?
21. What are the 2 most important holes in a woman's body? Her nostrils.
22. What are three words in the English language no one wants to say or hear? Is it in?
23. What belongs to used but gets used by everyone else more than you? Your name.
24. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
25. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this sh*t.
26. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get the proper support, people will think we're nuts.
27. What did the hooker's right knee say to her left knee? We should get together more often.
28. What did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
29. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
30. What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common? Women always exaggerate how big it is.
31. What do a boyfriend/girlfriend and a math test have in common? They're both something we could cheat on.
32. What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoot whoot.
33. What do a good woman and a good bar have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
34. What do a lesbian and a mechanic have in common? They both use snap-on tools.
35. What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
36. What do you call a herd of cows pleasuring themselves? Beef strokin' off
37. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The Head nurse
38. What do you call two jalepeños getting it on? F**king hot.
39. What do you do when a woman's choking? Back up a few inches.
40. What do you do when you're a man trapped in a woman's body? You pull out.
41. What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you're inside them.
42. What does a robot do after a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.
43. What goes in hard and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
44. What has 148 teeth and holding back a monster? My zipper.
45. What is 6 inches and leave white stuff all over your face? A toothbrush.
46. What is Moby Dick's father's name? Papa Boner.
47. What is the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're 12 to come on your face.
48. What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear and one's a great year.
49. What rhymes with kick? Pick (dirty mind joke)
50. What starts with the letter c and ends with t. Hairy on the outside and creamy on the inside? A coconut.
51. What stays moist when you tie up its legs? A turkey.
52. What's a lesbian's love language? Speaking in tongue.
53. What's a woman's favorite thing to put in her mouth? Top Ramen.
54. What's better than a cold Bud? A cold Busch?
55. What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? Your butt cheeks.
56. What's the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes
57. What's the best waterslide for kids? Your throat.
58. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow me home after I dump a load in it.
59. What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker could wash her crack and resell it.
60. What's the difference between a job and marriage? A job still sucks after 10 years.
61. What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? One snatches watches.
62. What's the difference between Covid and your legs? I don't want Covid to spread.
63. What's the difference between me/you and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.
64. What's the difference between you and a pair of glasses? Glasses seem to fit higher on my face.
65. What's the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
66. What's the difference between you and the refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it.
67. What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
68. What's white and 14 inches long? Nothing.
69. What's white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.
70. Why are women like Popeye's? Because once you're done with the breast and thighs all you have is an empty box to put your bone-in.
71. Why did Mrs. Claus want to divorce Santa Claus? Because Santa only comes once a year
72. Why do boys fart louder than girls? Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
73. Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much? Because one has two lips and one has two heads.
74. Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
75. Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one? Because the old one has shaky hands.
76. Why don't witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
77. Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Dirty Jokes

1. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect. Wow, the boy replies. I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that
2. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating. I don't understand, doc, the patient says. Why? Because, the doctor says. I'm trying to examine you.
3. Dear NASYour mom thought I was big enough. —Pluto
4. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
5. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
6. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
7. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
8. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
9. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
10. What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?
11. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
12. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It's not what it looks like.
13. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job
14. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
15. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
16. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.
17. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.
18. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? Lie to me Lie to me
19. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming
20. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
21. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.
22. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
23. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
24. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
25. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
26. What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.
27. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
28. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
29. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
30. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
31. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out.
32. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
33. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
34. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
35. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
36. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
37. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
38. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.