Best Dog Jokes

1. A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink? The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.
2. After a talking Sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer. All 40 accounted for, he says. But I only have 36 sheep, says the farmer. I know, says the Sheepdog. But I rounded them up.
3. After accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear, what did the dog say to Woody? You got a friend in me.
4. Did you hear about the dog who couldn’t stop talking like a horse? It was a dog and pony show.
5. Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road? She was given a ticket for littering.
6. How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
7. How are dogs like phones? Both have collar IDs.
8. How can you get a dog in the back seat to quit barking while you’re driving? Invite him to sit up front and bark there instead.
9. How can you tell if you have a lazy dog? He only chases parked cars.
10. How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!
11. How did the little Scottish dog react when he met the Loch Ness Monster? He was Terrier-fied!
12. How do dog catchers get paid? By the pound!
13. How do dogs say goodbye? Chow Chow!
14. How do you know if you have a slow dog? It chases parked cars.
15. How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your backyard!
16. How do you stop a dog from smelling? Cover his nose!
17. How does a dog stop a TV show? He presses paws.
18. How many hairs are in a dog’s tail? None! They’re all on the outside.
19. I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except… The bark is much quieter.
20. I went to the zoo and all they had was one small dog. It was a shih-tzu.
21. If they were to cast only dogs in movies, who would play Harry Potter? Spaniel Radcliffe.
22. In English class, why do dogs like conjunctions? Because dogs love buts.
23. My dog ate all my scrabble tiles. So I took him to the vet. No word yet.
24. Our dog brings us the newspaper every day…Funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any!
25. Want to know if your husband or your dog loves you more? Just lock them both in a crate for a few hours and see which one is happy to see you once you open it.
26. Want to know if your wife or your dog loves you more? Just lock them both in a crate for a few hours and see which one is happy to see you once you open it.
27. What breed of dog can jump higher than a building? All breeds can, since buildings can’t jump!
28. What breed of dog goes after anything that is red? Bulldog
29. What could be more incredible than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
30. What could be worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
31. What did Darth Vader’s dog say to Luke’s dog? Come on! Join the bark side.
32. What did one flea say to the other? Should we walk or take a dog?
33. What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his yummy dog dinner? MMM, that hit the spots!
34. What did the Dalmatian say after his meal? That hit the spot.
35. What did the dog say to the tree? Bark!
36. What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? That was ruff!
37. What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he ate his dinner? Wow, that hit the spot!
38. What did the man name his two watch dogs? Rolex and Timex.
39. What did the one dog say to the other before they enjoyed their bones? Bon appetite!
40. What did the waiter tell the dog at the restaurant? Bone-appetite!
41. What do chemists do with their dog bones? They barium.
42. What do dog lovers wrap around themselves when it gets cold outside? A nice warm Setter.
43. What do dogs eat for breakfast? Pooched eggs.
44. What do dogs get after they graduate from obedience school? Their masters
45. What do dogs order at movie theaters? Pupcorn.
46. What do dogs usually like to eat at the movie theaters? Pupcorn
47. What do puppies and pages of a book have in common? They’re both dog-eared.
48. What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog.
49. What do you call a dog that can’t bark? A hushpuppy.
50. What do you call a dog that does yoga? A Foldin’ Retriever.
51. What do you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold for an extended period of time? A chili-dog
52. What do you call a dog with a surround sound system? A sub-woofer.
53. What do you call a left-handed boxer? A south paw!
54. What do you call a magical dog? A labra-cadabra-dor.
55. What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler? Whatever you want, but do it silently.
56. What do you call a wild dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
57. What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? A CAT-has-trophy.
58. What do you call sleeping puppies? Hush Puppies
59. What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary? Take the words out of his mouth!
60. What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodledoo!
61. What do you get when you cross a dog and a ballpoint pen? Ink spots.
62. What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A friend you can count on.
63. What do you get when you cross a frog with a dog? A croaker spaniel.
64. What do you get when you cross a racing dog with a bumblebee? A greyhound buzz.
65. What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
66. What do you when you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower.
67. What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school? Her pet-degree.
68. What does a dog say before eating? Bone appetite!
69. What does a dog stay in when she goes camping? A pup-up tent.
70. What does my dog and my phone have in common? They both have collar I.D.
71. What dog keeps the best time? A watchdog.
72. What genre of music do young dogs like the best? Pup music.
73. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
74. What happens if you connect a Corgi to a battery? You’ll get a short circuit.
75. What happens when a dog loses its tail? It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.
76. What is a dog dentist’s favorite tooth? The canine.
77. What is a dog’s favorite city? New Yorkie.
78. What is a dog’s favorite song to listen to after a bath? Shake It Off by Taylor Swift.
79. What is a pug’s favorite fall beverage? Pug-kin spice lattes.
80. What is the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? ​ ​ One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
81. What kind of dog consumes food with its ears? All of them! I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before digging in.
82. What kind of dog doesn’t bark? A hush puppy.
83. What kind of dog is most like a cat? A Purr-man Shepherd.
84. What kind of dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle.
85. What kind of dog never throws anything away? A Hoarder Collie.
86. What kind of dog should you use to help unlock a door? An A-key-ta.
87. What kinds of outdoor markets do dogs despise? Flea markets. 23.
88. What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and is very dangerous? A dog with a machete.
89. What makes a businessman different from a hot dog? The businessman wears a suit, but the dog just wears pants.
90. What trick did the loaf of bread teach the dog? Roll over!
91. What type of dog is constantly aware of the time? A watch dog.
92. What type of market should you never take your dog to? A flea market!
93. What type of markets do dogs avoid? Flea markets!
94. What was the dog’s job at the fancy hotel? He was a Labra-doorman.
95. What was the little Scottish dog’s reaction when he first saw the Loch Ness Monster? He was Terrier-fied,
96. What would happen if you crossed a dog and a cheetah? You’d get a dog that chased after cars, but was actually fast enough to catch them!
97. What’s a dog’s favorite dessert? Pupcakes!
98. What’s a dog’s favorite instrument? A trom-bone.
99. What’s a dog’s favorite kind of ice cream? Pupcicles.
100. What’s a dog’s favorite kind of pizza? Pupperoni pizza!
101. What’s a dog’s favorite type of pasta? Wagliataile.
102. What’s a dog’s favorite type of pizza? Pupperoni.
103. What’s a dog’s favorites instrument? A trom-bone.
104. What’s the coolest dog? A pup-sicle
105. When a dog has a fever, what should you feed him? Mustard—it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
106. When a dog has a fever, what should you feed him? Mustard, it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
107. When you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster, what do you get? A cockerpoodledoo!
108. When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get? A lot of trouble with a postman.
109. When you cross a frog with a dog, what do you get? A croaker spaniel.
110. When you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena, what do you get? I’m not sure, but if it begins laughing, I’m going to join in.
111. When you cross a sheepdog with a jelly, what do you get? The collie wobbles.
112. When you cross an aggressive dog with a computer, what do you get? A lot of bites.
113. When you put oil on a racing dog, what do you get? Grease Lightning
114. Whenever I take my dog to the park, the ducks always try to bite him. I guess it makes sense, since he’s pure bread.
115. Where did the dog leave his car? In the barking lot.
116. Where does a Labrador’s food go before it can be sold in stores? To the lab for testing.
117. Which dog breed has never done anything wrong? Saint Bernard.
118. Which dog breed is Dracula’s favorite? Bloodhounds
119. Which dog breed loves living in the Big Apple? A New Yorkie.
120. Which dog breed loves to take a bath. A shampoodle.
121. Which dog is the quietest? The Alaskan Malamute.
122. Which type of dog is also a lamb?Sheepdogs!
123. Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? Growlcho Marx.
124. Why are dogs terrible dancers? Because they have two left feet.
125. Why are dogs’ barks so loud? They have built n sub-woofer.
126. Why aren’t Corgi jokes funny? All of them are really short.
127. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
128. Why can’t dalmatians play hide and seek? Because they are always spotted.
129. Why can’t dogs work the TV remote? Because they always hit the paws button.
130. Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade? Because it was a hot dog.
131. Why did the dog cross the road twice? He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
132. Why did the dog walk into the saloon? He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
133. Why did the man living in Alaska name his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
134. Why did the man make pancakes for his dog? His dog sure didn’t know how!
135. Why did the officer issue a ticket to the dog who gave birth on the side of the road? Because she was littering.
136. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!
137. Why did the poor dog chase his tail? He was trying to make both ends meet.
138. Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because frost bites
139. Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a Boxer.
140. Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
141. Why do dogs bury their bones in the ground? Because they can’t be buried in trees!
142. Why do dogs like conjunctions? They just love buts.
143. Why do dogs love Redwood trees? They have the biggest bark.
144. Why do dogs love smartphones? Because they have collar IDs.
145. Why do dogs make terrible dance partners? Because they’ve got two left feet.
146. Why do dogs need a license but cats don’t? Cats can’t drive!
147. Why do dogs run in circles? It’s hard to run in squares!
148. Why do dogs tend to run in circles? Because it’s really hard to run in squares.
149. Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can’t drive!
150. Why does a noisy yappy dog resemble a tree? It’s because they both have a lot of bark.
151. Why does my newborn dog never want to leave my side? He’s in puppy love!
152. Why doesn’t anyone want to work for dogs? Because they hound their employees.
153. Why doesn’t anyone wants to work for dogs? Because they hound their employees.
154. Why is it called a litter of puppies? Because they’ll trash the place.
155. Why is my dog’s back always sore? He’s a Mastiff.
156. Why should you be careful when it rains cats and dogs? Because you might step in a poodle.
157. Why was the dog stealing shingles? He wanted to become a woofer!
158. Why was the dog such a good storyteller? He knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
159. Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker? Because all he ever said was Rough, Rough

Jokes for Kids

1. How do you spell dog backwards? D-O-G-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S.
2. What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away? Well, doggone!
3. What did the hungry dalmatian say after his meal? That hit the spots!
4. What do dogs and phones have in common? They both have collar ID.
5. What do dogs do when they need to take a bathroom break during a movie? They press the paws button.
6. What do dogs have that no other animals have? Puppies!
7. What do dogs like to eat at the movie theaters? Pupcorn.
8. What do you call a dog magician? A Labra-cadabra-dor.
9. What do you call a dog who is getting old? GrandPAW.
10. What do you call young dogs who play in the snow? Slush puppies.
11. What is a dog that sneezes? A-choo-wawa.
12. What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? All kinds — buildings can’t jump!
13. What kind of dog do you look for to ask the time? A watchdog.
14. What kind of place should you never take a dog? The flea market.
15. What makes more noise than a dog barking? Two dogs barking!
16. What would you get if you crossed a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a rooster? Cocker-poodle-doo.
17. When a dog sits on sandpaper, what does he say? Ooh, that’s ruff!
18. When is a black dog not a black dog? When he's a greyhound!
19. Where do dogs park their cars? In the barking lot.
20. Which kind of dog lives in Dracula’s castle? A bloodhound.
21. Why are skeletons afraid of dogs? Because dogs love bones.
22. Why did the dog wear a sweater? Because he was a chili dog.
23. Why is a tree like a dog? They both have bark.

One-Liners

1. A scientist took his dog to work to help experiment on pasta. It’s a labranoodle.
2. A vampire, a dog and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender says what is this, some kind of joke?
3. A wounded dog walked into the saloon and said, I’m alookin’ for the man what shot my paw.
4. I named my 2 dogs Rolex and Timex. They are my watch dogs.
5. I saw a dog that looks like a bagel. Must be a pure-bread.
6. I threw the dog a ball the other day. It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo.
7. It is raining cats and dogs now. That’s ok, so long as it doesn’t reindeer.
8. Making money in a dog exercising business is easy. In fact, it’s a walk in the park.
9. My dog ate my computer science homework. It took him a couple of bytes.
10. My dog can play the piano, pretty limited repertoire though. focuses only on bach.
11. My dog keeps wrapping things in cardboard. He’s a boxer.
12. My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
13. Nothing says’ I love my dog’ quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
14. She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
15. When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour.

Dog Puns

1. Are you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike? Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike.
2. Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic? His bark was worse than his bite!
3. Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog? He’d always wanted a bloodhound.
4. How did the dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied.
5. How do dogs train their fleas? From scratch.
6. How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard? Put her in your backyard.
7. How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
8. What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away? Well, doggone.
9. What did the first flea say to the second flea? Should we walk or just take the dog?
10. What did the skeleton say to the puppy? Bonappetite.
11. What do dog robots do? They byte.
12. What do you call a barking pumpkin? A gourd dog.
13. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, she still won’t come when you call.
14. What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
15. What do you call a large dog that meditates? Aware wolf.
16. What do you call a pug dog that has become the boxing world champ? A pugilist.
17. What do you call a purple dog? A grape dane.
18. What do you do if a dog starts eating your library book? Take the words right out of their mouth.
19. What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone? A golden receiver.
20. What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad? A Mellon Collie.
21. What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard. Its the best thing for a hot dog.
22. What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle.
23. What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light.
24. What is a dogs favorite instrument? A trom-bone.
25. What is an eagle’s favorite dog breed? A beagle.
26. What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A cat-has-trophy.
27. What is the most boring type of dog? A dullmation.
28. What kind of dog chases anything red? A Bulldog
29. What kind of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound.
30. What kind of dog is always up for taking a bath? A shampoo-dle.
31. What kind of dogs do programmers have? Computer Labs.
32. What kinds of stores do dogs love? Re-tail stores.
33. What should I call my new robot puppy? Dogmatic.
34. What sort of dog does a vegetarian have? A collie-flower.
35. What’s a dog’s favorite pizza topping? Pup-eroni.
36. What’s the best dog to take on a submarine? A sub-woofer.
37. What’s the difference between a businessman and a dog? The businessman wears a suit but the dog just pants.
38. When does a dog become a sailor? When he embarks.
39. Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes? A Chi-ha-ha.
40. Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents? Santa Paws.
41. Who is the favorite rapper of every dog? Snoop Dogg.
42. Why did the dog chase her own tail? She was trying to make both ends meet.
43. Why did the dog jump on the counter and take a bite out of the bread? Puppy loaf.
44. Why did the Eskimo name her dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
45. Why is a dog‘s nose in the middle of its face? Because its the scenter.
46. Why is a noisy yappy dog like a tree? They both have a lot of bark.
47. Why was the dog taught to climb a ladder? Because he specializes in roofing.