Best Bar Jokes

1. A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
2. The bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you The screwdriver squeals, You have a drink named Philip?"
3. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Gimme a pint and a mop.
4. "A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
5. He came, he saw, he conquered."
6. A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, Have you been served?
7. A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
8. A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, Wow I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you? Pop, goes the weasel.
9. "An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: You mathematicians don’t know your limits.
10. A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
11. He says to his friend, That’s amazing. Where did he come from? The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice, the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. Suddenly, the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. What just happened? the guy asks. His friend replies, I know. Did you really think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?"
12. "Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
13. Get out shouts the barman. We don’t serve your type here"
14. E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve minors.
15. ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.
16. "Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar…
17. [citation needed] *co-founder of Wikipedia"
18. "Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, I’ll have a Martinus.
19. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, Don’t you mean a Martini? Look, Caesar replies. If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it"
20. So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Hey. This is a singles bar.
21. "The barman says, We don’t serve time-travelers in here.
22. A time-traveler walks into a bar."
23. The bartender says Okay, but don't start anything.
24. "The NSA walks into a bar.
25. Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you the barman says. The NSA smiles and says, Heard it."
26. "The past, present, and future walk into a bar…
27. It was tense."
28. The second scientist says, I'll have an H2O too. The second scientist died .
29. "This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Hey We have a drink named after you
30. The grasshopper replies, Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
31. Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, We don't serve your type in here.
32. "Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
33. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, Hey, do you taste something funny?"
34. "Two dragons walk into a bar.
35. The first one says, It sure is hot in here. His friend snaps back, Shut your mouth"
36. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other, It's hot in here. The other snaps back, Shut your mouth
37. "Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, Let’s get a beer.
38. The chihuahua walker complains, That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there. The first responds, Watch me. The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here. He’s my seeing-eye dog, the woman replies, feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. He’s my seeing-eye dog, the woman replies. Yeah, right, the bartender says, A chihuahua? Give me a break. Without missing a beat, the woman replies, They gave me a chihuahua?"
39. "Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
40. Two quotation marks walk into a bar."
41. "Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
42. One of them says, We’d like a couple of beers, please. The bartender says, OK, but don’t start anything."
43. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. One of them says We'd like a couple of beers, please.
44. Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, I'll have an H2O please
45. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, Is the bar tender here?
46. Why did the woman bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.