Clever Job Jokes

1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
2. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
3. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
4. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
5. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
6. A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
7. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
8. A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
9. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
10. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
11. After that, I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
12. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
13. Anything that could possibly go wrong often does as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly.
14. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
15. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16. Being friends with co-workers is like having pet tigers…. fun in theory but you still wonder when they will turn on you.
17. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
18. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
19. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
20. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
21. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
22. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
23. Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
24. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
25. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
26. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
27. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
28. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
29. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
30. I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
31. I applied for a job in Australia but seems I don't have the right koalifications.
32. I asked the corporate wellness officer, Can you teach me yoga? He said, How flexible are you? I said, I can't make Tuesdays.
33. I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
34. I became an archaeologist. Before long, my career was in ruins.
35. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
36. I considered telemarketing, but it wasn't my calling.
37. I couldn't work today because of an eye problem. I just can't see myself working today.
38. I didn't like my job as a waiter. But at least I was putting food on the table.
39. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
40. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
41. I don't mind coming to work, it's the 8-hour wait to go home I can't stand.
42. I don't work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
43. I focused on being a photographer, but nothing ever developed.
44. I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
45. I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
46. I got a job as a human cannonball. It was a high-caliber position! But I had a short fuse and got fired.
47. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
48. I got fired as a yoga instructor. And I bent over backwards for those people!
49. I got fired from the unemployment office, and still had to show up the next day.
50. I had a job at MinuteMaid orange juice. I got fired because I couldn't concentrate.
51. I had a job making stationery, but I quit because it wasn't going anywhere.
52. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
53. I have all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
54. I just lost my job as a psychic. I did not see that coming.
55. I like my job only marginally more than I like being homeless.
56. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
57. I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.
58. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
59. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
60. I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
61. I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.
62. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
63. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
64. I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks.
65. I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
66. I thought about being a knife-maker. I made great blades, but I just couldn't handle it.
67. I thought about fortune-telling, but I couldn't make a prophet and didn't see a future in it.
68. I thought I did a good job as an attorney, but the jury's still out.
69. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
70. I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
71. I used to be a postman until I got the sack.
72. I wanted to be a baker, really kneaded the dough.
73. I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I couldn't hack it.
74. I wanted to be a pet groomer, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
75. I wanted to be a tree doctor but I faint at the sight of sap.
76. I wanted to get into the engineering field, but I burned too many bridges.
77. I was a dentist for a while, but it was like pulling teeth.
78. I was training to be a sound technician, but I couldn't handle feedback.
79. I worked at Krispy Kreme, but I quickly got fed up with the hole business.
80. I worked at the bank as a teller for a while…until I starting losing interest.
81. I'm aspirin' to be a chemist.
82. I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
83. I'm looking for a job where I am politely ignored and left to my own devices. With unlimited Internet access, doughnuts, and coffee.
84. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
85. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
86. If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
87. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
88. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
89. If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
90. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
91. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
92. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
93. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
94. Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: I don't know when to quit. Interviewer: You're hired. Me: I quit.
95. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
96. It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
97. It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
98. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
99. Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
100. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
101. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
102. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
103. My annual performance review says I lack passion and intensity. I guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
104. My best job was being a musician, but eventually, I found I wasn't noteworthy.
105. My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
106. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
107. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.
108. My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
109. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
110. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
111. Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
112. Now I've gotten into astronomy, and my whole career is looking up.
113. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
114. Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
115. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
116. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
117. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
118. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
119. Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
120. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
121. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
122. Sure I'm willing to work longer hours at work. As long as they're lunch hours.
123. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
124. The boss frowns on anyone yelling: Hey Weirdo! He says too many people look up from their work.
125. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
126. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
127. The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
128. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
129. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
130. The reason we nod off to sleep is so it looks like we're just emphatically agreeing with everything when we're in a boring meeting.
131. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
132. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
133. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
134. Then I tried to be a chef figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
135. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
136. There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
137. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
138. Things really haven't gotten worse. We've just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
139. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
140. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
141. To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
142. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
143. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart?
144. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, A very good doctor.
145. When in doubt, mumble.
146. When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
147. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
148. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
149. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.