Lawyer Puns

1. Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called Divorced Barbie. It comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
2. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side and then on the other.
3. What are honest lawyers like UFOs? You hear about them, but you never see them.
4. What did the judge say to the battery when he took the stand? You’re guilty as charged.
5. What did the lawyer call his daughter? Sue.
6. What did the lawyer do to get convicted of first-degree murder? Start his free trial.
7. What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good? A judge-mint.
8. What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
9. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80? Your Honor.
10. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
11. What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
12. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? No changes occur.
13. What happened to the banker who went to law school? Now she’s a loan shark.
14. What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? Lipstick
15. What’s a lawyer’s favorite food? Just-ice
16. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
17. What’s the difference between a law firm and a circus? At a circus, the clowns don’t charge the public by the hour.
18. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of a buffalo? The lawyer chargers more.
19. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night
20. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
21. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they are boring.
22. What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? God does not think he is a lawyer.
23. What’s the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
24. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
25. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
26. Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can’t pass the bar.
27. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
28. Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case? Because his argument was irrele-phant.
29. Why did the law student go to court wearing a shirt with no sleeves? Because he had the right to bare arms.
30. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Best Lawyer Jokes

1. A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, There must be some mistake I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die. St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now
2. A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. What a joke he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?
3. A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. $100 for three questions, answered the lawyer. Isn’t that a little steep? said the man. Yes, said the lawyer. Now, what’s your third question?
4. A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn. But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow. So the rabbi says, It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn. But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.
5. A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. The judge is an honorable man, he said, If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars? the senior partner asked. Oh, I did send them, the younger lawyer replied. I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.
6. An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what’s the catch?
7. As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.
8. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
9. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
10. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
11. How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.
12. One day the phone rang at a law office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey. I’m sorry, sir, the receptionist said. Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday. Oh, is that right? Goodbye. But everyday for the next two weeks the same man called back and the same exchange occurred. Finally, the receptionist said, Sir, I have told you repeatedly that Mr. Dewey died, why do you keep calling and asking for him? Oh, the man replied, I just like to hear it.
13. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
14. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
15. What does an attorney say when getting married at the alter? I accept the terms and conditions.
16. What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
17. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
18. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
19. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
21. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
22. What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed? A jury.
23. Why are judges and English teachers alike? They both give out long and short sentences.
24. Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
25. Why is my lawyer is a very smart guy? He earns from my mistakes.

Lawyer One-Liners

1. A horse was arrested and brought to the police station for questioning. He de-neighed all accusations.
2. A lawyer’s creed is that a person is innocent until proven broke.
3. A man sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case
4. A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, I think someone is framing me.
5. A priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law.
6. Alligators make good lawyers because they are efficient a-litigators.
7. Children are not allowed into the bar examination because they’re under-age.
8. Clowns are most commonly jailed for mans-laughter.
9. Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.
10. During his lunch bread, the lawyer worked on Cole’s law.
11. It’s easy to fall in love with a lawyer. They seem to have appeal.
12. Lawyers will wish you a happy holiday but remind you they can in no way guarantee it.
13. My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.
14. The deaf lawyer didn’t go to court because he lost his hearing.
15. The golden retriever didn’t make any money at his first law firm. He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.
16. The law firm specializing in divorce was named Null And Void.
17. The lawyer had to move his cow because it got a mooing violation.
18. The lawyer’s client had to face a death sentence because of his bad execution.
19. When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.
20. When you tell lawyers you love them, they ask for evidence to support your statement.