Best Little Johnny Jokes

1. A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: Can I see your dad? Johnny: No, he's in the shower. Salesman: What about your mother? Can I see her? Johnny: Nope. She's in the shower, too. Salesman: Do you think they'll be out soon? Johnny: Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.
2. A Sunday school teacher asks the class, Where's Jesus today? Michael raises his hand and says, He's in heaven. Martha says, He's in my heart. Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and says, He's in our bathroom The teacher is surprised and asks, How do you know Johnny? Little Johnny says, Every morning, my father gets up and bangs on the bathroom door. Then, he yells, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'
3. In little Johnny's English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, Why are periods so important? The teacher explained it to him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, When my sister told us that she missed her period, my father began yelling, and my mother passed out.
4. Johnny asked his mother for his allowance a few days early. She said no, but he said that he'd tell her what their cleaning lady said to his father when she was gone. His mother handed him the money. Johnny said, All dad said was, ‘Make sure you wash my underwear, too.'
5. Little Johnny asked his grandpa to croak like a frog. He did it and asked why Johnny wanted to hear him croak. Johnny said, Mommy said that we'll be loaded when you croak.
6. Little Johnny asked the teacher, Can I be punished for something I haven't done? The teacher replied, Absolutely not That would be unfair. Johnny is relieved. He replies, Oh, good to know because I didn't do my homework.
7. Little Johnny did not go to school one day, much to his teacher's surprise. The teacher, who lives close to Little Johnny's house, decides to stop by. But Little Johnny's grandpa is the only grown-up at home. When the grandpa sees the teacher, he says Little Johnny, your teacher is here, go hide and I will see you are not here. Little Johnny responds No, you go hide, I told him last week that I went to your funeral.
8. Little Johnny gets bored at church every Sunday. This week, Johnny leans over to his mom and whispers, Can we go home now if we give him money right away?
9. Little Johnny got his first job. His boss shouted, Johnny, come to my office right now Johnny said, Yes sir. His boss said, A customer said you said I was a stupid idiot. Is that true? Johnny said, The customer said you were, and I agreed. His boss asked, Why would you agree? Johnny said, You told me the customer is always right.
10. Little Johnny hated going to church every Sunday. During this particular sermon, Johnny got so bored that he just wanted to go home. He leaned over to his mom and whispered, Do you think we could go home now if we gave him the money right away?
11. Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel because it's bigger. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor pulls him aside and says, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel?
Johnny grins and replies, Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far, I've made twenty bucks
12. Little Johnny is back at school after summer vacation. On the third day of school, his teacher calls his dad to report his bad behavior. Johnny's dad says to the teacher, Hang on a minute. I've had Johnny at home for two months and never called you when he misbehaved.
13. Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother? His mother replies to make myself beautiful Johnny. A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her What is the matter? Are you giving up?
14. Little Johnny told his friends about when he used to pray for a bike. Since he didn't get one, he decided to steal one and pray for forgiveness instead.
15. Little Johnny walks into class 15 minutes late. The teacher says, Johnny, you're late to class again. Johnny replies, But, you said it's never to late to learn.
16. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and asked him, Little Johnny how do you want your wife to be like? He answered, Like the moon. His teacher said, That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful. Little Johnny said, No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.
17. Little Johnny was struggling with his school grades. One day he surprises his teacher with an announcement. He walks up to her and says, I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking
18. Little Johnny was walking to lunch, when he saw a bowl of apples. There was a note on the apples, saying, Take 1. God is watching. Little Johnny then saw a bowl of cookies next to the bowl of apples with no note. So Little Johnny wrote, Take as many cookies as you want. God is watching the apples.
19. Little Johnny was walking up a hill trying to pull a red wagon and swearing F**k this. I'm tired of this s**t. The priest overheard him and walks up to him to say You shouldn't use bad words, Little Johnny because God is all around us and he can hear you. Is he in the sky? asks Little Johnny.
Yes says the priest.
Is he in that bush over there?
Yes says the priest.
Is he in my wagon? asked Little Johnny.
Yes says the priest.
Well can you ask him to get the f**k out and help me push
20. Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken so he shared with his teacher. Little Johnny says: Can I play with your belly button? My mom always lets me when we camp. So the teacher, a little confused but intrigued says Sure. Five minutes later the teacher says, Woah, Woah, Woah, that's not my belly button Little Johnny replies, Woah, Woah, Woah, that's not my finger.
21. Little Johnny went to the store and tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money. The cashier said, I can't take this. It's fake money. Johnny replies, Well, this is also a fake car.
22. Little Johnny went trick-or-treating as a pirate for Halloween. A sweet old lady asked him, Where are your buccaneers? Johnny replies, Under my buccan-hat.
23. Little Johnny's class went on a field trip to the local police station. The police officer showed the class pictures of the ten most wanted people. On the way out, Johnny said to the officer, It's nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there.
24. Little Johnny's new baby brother won't stop crying. He asks his mom, Where did we get him? His mom replies, He came from heaven. Johnny says, Oh wow, I see why they threw him out.
25. Little Johnny's new sibling was crying and screaming for hours. He asked his parents where they got him from. They reply, Oh, we got him straight from heaven. Johnny said, Jeez. I see why they kicked him out of there.
26. Little Johnny's teacher asked students if they could name things that can be sucked:
A lollipop answered one student.
An ice cream cone said another.
That's right. How about you, Little Johnny?, the teacher asked.
Little Johnny thought about the question for a second, and responded A lamp.
The teacher was confused: Johnny, why a lamp?
Little Johnny then responds Well, last night I overheard my mom tell my dad turn off the lamp honey and let me suck it.
27. Little Johnny's teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child. She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says Johnny when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way. Little Johnny looks up to her and says Well miss, you can't say that you weren't warned.
28. Little Johnny's teacher went to pay his family a home visit. When Johnny's grandpa saw her walking over, he told him to hide. Johnny quickly said, No way. You need to hide, grandpI told her yesterday that I had to go to your funeral.
29. Little Lucy: Why do you have two different colored socks on? One's blue, but the other is green. Little Johnny: I'm not sure. It's weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.
30. Little Suzy comes home crying to her mom. Mom: What happened? Little Suzy: Today I had an argument with Little Johny and he pulled down his pants and pointed at his wee wee and said, ‘I'm a boy so I have this, you're a girl so you don't have this.' Mom: Don't worry darling, when you grow up, if you're a good girl, you can also have one. Suzy: What if I'm a bad girl? Mom: Then you will have many…
31. One day, Little Johnny told his parents that he was ready to live alone. They were very proud of him and supportive, until Johnny said, Great, I left your luggage next to the front door. See ya
32. Teacher asked, How far have you gotten with your homework, Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, About 8 kilometers, ma'am. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.
33. Teacher says, I'm glad to see your writing has improved.
Little Johnny grins and replies, Thank you
Frowning, teacher adds, However, now I can see how bad your spelling is
34. Teacher: How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny? Little Johnny: About eight kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.
35. Teacher: Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter i. Little Johnny: I is… The teacher interrupts: No Johnny, always say ‘I am.' Little Johnny: Ok Miss… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
36. Teacher: Little Johnny, you are late to class again. Johnny: But miss, you said that it is never too late to learn.
37. Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. She waves her finger around the left side of the room. Little Johnny stands up. Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny, No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.
38. Teacher: Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner? Johnny: No miss, my mother is a really good cook.
39. The Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, Do you believe in the Devil? No, said Little Johnny. It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy.
40. The teacher asked little Johnny, Tell a sentence using the word geometry. Johnny replies, An acorn fell on the ground and grew over the years. One day it said, ‘Gee, I'm a tree.'
41. The teacher asked the class how they spell the word elephant. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, E-L-E-F-A-N-T. When the teacher said that it was wrong, he said, Well, it may be wrong, but that's how I spell it.
42. The teacher asked, How far did you get with your homework, Johnny? Little Johnny replied, About 5 miles. I went home with it, and now I'm back.
43. The teacher asks little Johnny, If there are three birds on the fence and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny replies, None. The teacher says, You don't understand math. Johnny says, You don't know birds. If you shoot one, the others will fly away.
44. The teacher asks Susie to find America on the map. Susie says, Here it is The teacher says, Very good, Susie. Now, Johnny, can you tell me who discovered America? Johnny says, Susie did
45. The teacher asks the class, Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody is interested? Little Johnny blurts out, Yes, a teacher.
46. The teacher asks the class, If you get ten dollars from ten people, what do you have? Little Johnny says, A new bike.
47. The teacher asks the class, What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Johnny says, I will follow my father's footsteps and become a police officer. The teacher says, Johnny, I didn't know your father is a police officer. Johnny explains, He isn't. He's a burglar.
48. The teacher asks, What's an island? Little Johnny replies, A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side. The teacher is confused and says, On one side? Johnny says, Yes, on top.
49. The teacher catches little Johnny cheating on a test and says, I hope I didn't see you looking at Susie's test. Johnny replies, I hope you didn't see me either.
50. The teacher decided to teach the children in her class how to count. When it was Johnny's turn, the teacher asked what came after the number ten. Johnny replied, That's easy. A Jack.
51. The teacher says, Class, stand up if you're dumb. No one stands up. The teacher says, Come on. I know someone on the left side of the room is dumb. Then, little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, Johnny, you think you're dumb? He replies, No, I just feel bad that you're standing alone.
52. This week in Little Johnny's English class, they were learning about punctuation. When they got to periods, Johnny asked, Why are periods so important? The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know. He said, When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.
53. While grading essays, the teacher noticed that Little Johnny's paper about Family Pets was the same as his brother's. So she asked, Why did you copy your brother's homework? Little Johnny replied, No, I didn't We just have the same pets.
54. While grading the homework assignment, the teacher notices little Johnny's essay about the family pet is the same as his sisters. So, the teacher asks, Johnny, why did you copy your sister's homework? Johnny replies, I didn't We have the same pet.