Short Marriage Jokes

1. A person asked her friend what was her favorite book, to that, she replied, my partner’s checkbook.
2. A wife who forgives her husband whenever she makes a mistake is a good wife.
3. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
4. Losing your wife is tough. Some say it is nearly impossible, and I attest to the fact.
5. My husband and I compromise on a lot of things. He admits that he made a mistake, and I agree with that.
6. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
7. The secret to the happiness of a newly married man is known but the secret to the happiness of a man who has been married for more than ten years is never known.

Dirty Marriage Jokes

1. A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich! The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal. The trucker replies, Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.
2. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
3. An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, Why are you going to sleep on the floor? The old woman says, Because I want to feel something hard for a change.
4. How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays, it is almost impossible!
5. How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
6. Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.
7. Husbands, remember, after getting married, when you are in a discussion about something with your wife, always make sure to include two words in your conversation: Yes, honey.
8. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
9. I consider the groom to be a talented man. He is a cunning business person, a shrewd thinker, an amazing inventor, and an expert in a lot of the fields. He is such a connoisseur that he can fake all of it.
10. It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. Aren't you coming to bed darling? she said sexily.Not in your life! he replied. My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I'm not going to miss it for anything!
11. Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
12. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
13. Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist; it means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
14. The first time I ever set eyes on the bride, I was awestruck by her looks—to me she was 'drop dead gorgeous. I said to her, You're gorgeous.And she replied, Drop dead!'
15. The groom was not a pretty baby—his mother got morning sickness after he was born.
16. There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you're right, remind yourself of rule #1.
17. Two spiders got married today, right here. I also heard that they had met each other on the web.
18. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
19. What’s the difference between incomplete and finished? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
20. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
21. When two cell phones get married, the reception ought to be amazing.
22. When you marry the love of your life, it is like waking up from a sweet slumber by a blaring alarm clock that snaps you back to reality.
23. When your significant other is upset over something, all you have to say is a simple yet straightforward ‘calm down’ in a soft and soothing voice. It will be all that is required to make them even more upset.
24. When your wife is angry and has locked herself in any of the rooms in the house, then that house currently remains the most dangerous place on the earth.
25. You are giving a reasonable answer for once, this means I have to increase my medicine dosages.
26. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
27. Your husband is the only child who ends up not moving out after growing up.

Best Wedding Jokes

1. A conversation between a detective and a sergeant was going on, and the detective says he was handling an interesting case The wife shot the husband because he had stepped on the floor that she had just mopped. The sergeant asked, have you arrested her? No, the floor’s still wet, the detective replied.
2. A couple was drinking wine on a Friday night, and suddenly, the wife said, I love you, my dear. The husband got perplexed and asked, Honey, is that the wine talking?
3. A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. Heavens no, he replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.
4. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
5. A guest arrived at a wedding where he had not met the groom before. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked, Are you the groom?' The young man sadly said, No—I was knocked out in the semi-finals.
6. A husband asked his wife, What would you do if we won the lottery? To which she replied, I'd divorce you and take my half.
7. A husband is much like a fire. If you leave it unattended, it will go out eventually.
8. A husband who had turned 50 was looking in the mirror and admiring himself. He saw her wife and asked her, Do you still love me when I am no longer youthful and balding? The wife said, I have no other option, honey.
9. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
10. A little son innocently asked his father, Dad, I want to get married too, how much does it cost, I want to save up. The father replied, Son, I don’t know because I am paying for all of it even now.
11. A man broke out of the prison after five long years, and he finally goes back home all exhausted and filthy, his wife asks, Oh no, darling where have you been all this time? You had escaped seven hours ago!
12. A man had once put out an ad saying, I want a wife. The following day he got tons of messages saying, you can have my wife.
13. A man once got his credit card stolen, but when he was asked to report about it, he said he did not want to because the thief was spending way less than his wife ever did.
14. A man placed an ad online saying Wife wanted. He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, You can have mine.
15. A married couple went to a supermarket to shop for some groceries. After sometimes the husband could not find his wife, so he approached a beautiful woman and asked her, I am sorry, but I seemed to have lost my wife and can’t find her. Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute or two? The woman got perplexed and asked the husband why. The husband replied, Every time I talk to a woman, my wife finds me out of nowhere in no time.
16. A newlywed couple was staying in a bridal suite on their wedding night, the husband was quiet and staring into the night sky out from the window. The young bride became impatient and asked her husband, Baby, what are you waiting for, aren’t you going to come to bed? The husband shushed her and told her, My mother told me that this would be the best night of my life, and I am waiting for it.
17. A photographer was trying to position a bride and his groom to take wedding photographs. The photographer asked, how many times have you modeled?
18. A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
19. A wife once told his husband, If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.
20. A wife saw her husband standing on a weight scale. He sucked up his stomach to look down. The wife exclaimed, Ha ha, that’s never going to help. The husband said, of course it does, this way, I can see what is on the scale.
21. A wise man once said, I don't know... ask my wife.
22. A woman told her friend, After my husband married me, he became a millionaire.
23. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.
24. After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. Twelve!, exclaimed the groom. What could anyone want with twelve new dresses? She replied, Twelve new pairs of shoes, of course.
25. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
26. Alcohol is the best inline or solvent. It helps in dissolving careers and families and also marriages .
27. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors.
28. And so, without further ado, let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast to the bride and groom.
29. Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
30. Any man who has forgotten his wife’s birthday once will never forget it ever again in his life.
31. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
32. Anyone who says that marriage is a wrong word, it’s more like a sentence on its own, to be precise, a life sentence!
33. Arguing with your spouse is similar to reading Terms and Conditions before using anything. You just want to get it over with and click I agree at the very end.
34. Arguing with your wife or husband is a lot like trying to read the ‘Terms of Use’ on the internet. In the end, you just give up and go ‘I agree.’
35. As Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.
36. As every husband knows, it is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
37. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, Darling, I don't want people to realize we are newlyweds. I want them to think we have been married for years! The groom replied, Are you sure you can manage both suitcases?
38. At a cocktail party, a woman asked one of her friends, Hey, you have worn your wedding ring, but it’s not on the right finger. To that, the woman replied, Yes, because I got married to the wrong man.
39. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
40. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.
41. Bachelors love smart women, do you know the reason? It’s because opposites attract!
42. Because they did not have the same spark as before.
43. Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple. You enter the church and walk up the AISLE. The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR. Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony, said the minister. Just remember the order and everything will be fine. On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN—or as the groom thought he heard: I'll alter him!
44. Before I finish, I would like (Bride and Groom names) to look at each other in the eyes. You are now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!
45. Before I make the humble attempt of starting this wedding speech, I would like all of us to observe a minute of silence for the chicken, pork, prawns, lilies, delphiniums, calla lilies, roses, and tulips who had selflessly given their lives to make this wedding a possibility.
46. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
47. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the y becomes silent.
48. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
49. Being married is like going to a restaurant and ordering something, but then wishing that you had ordered what the other person has ordered.
50. Being married to my wife is the best feeling ever because she is the only person who loves to steal my hoodies and blankets from me, leaving me cold.
51. Christmas was around the corner, so I had to ask my wife what she wanted. She then told me that nothing in this world would make her happier than a pair of diamond earrings. So, I got her nothing.
52. Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
53. Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
54. Did you hear about the two cellphones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
55. Didn't she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle. Well, (groom's name), you can be sure that's the very last time you will see her sweep!
56. Do you know a common thing a grenade and my wife share? If I remove the ring, the whole house will turn to dust.
57. Do you know why our society forbids you to get married twice? Because it would be cruel and unjust to go through the same torture twice.
58. Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
59. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the party weekend in Vegas.
60. Even if a married man ends up changing his job all the time, there is no way he can get rid of his ultimate boss.
61. Ever wondered why divorce is expensive? Only because divorce is worth it.
62. Every married man knows that it is much better to apologize for something than ask for his wife’s permission.
63. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that, 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes.
64. Everyone asks me what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. To that, I reply, I am still figuring out the secret myself.
65. Firstly, I would like to say that (insert groom's name), I'm sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert bride's name) hand in marriage. We all know that (insert bride's name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.
66. Firstly, I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
67. For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
68. For those of you on the bride’s side who are just getting to know (Groom's name); here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.
69. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.
70. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (Name) and for those of you that do … well I apologize. My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
71. For those of you without the internet, I'll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she's secretly using under the table as I speak. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to 'married', both of her parents immediately 'disliked' this, and 32 guys in this room have already poked her.
72. Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.
73. Four kinds of rings are needed in marriage. One for engagement, wedding, suffe-ring, and endu-ring.
74. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
75. Getting married is like babysitting a child who is not capable of doing anything, and even when they do something, you have to make sure that they don’t mess anything up.
76. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married (groom's name).
77. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: Yes, dear.
78. Having a husband is like owning a lawnmower because half the time, they do not work, and the other half, they give off bad odors.
79. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn't find out.
80. Hello I’m (Name) and I’m an alcoholic… Oh wait! Wrong speech!
81. Honey, I heard the jumper cables are getting divorced. Now ask why?
82. How did the Queen Bee end up getting married? The answer is simple, she ended up finding her honey.
83. How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
84. Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
85. I agree this has been quite an emotional day for all of us, so emotional that even the wedding cake is in tiers.
86. I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
87. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was Always.
88. I and my wife have started an aggressive plan for our retirement, by which we mean that we are aggressively playing the lottery a bunch of times every week.
89. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
90. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
91. I asked my wife why does she keep looking at our marriage license. To that, she replied, I wonder if there is an expiration date just like every other license.
92. I attended the wedding of two florists, it turns out their wedding was an arranged one.
93. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
94. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
95. I don’t like to interrupt when my mother-in-law talks, which is why it has been two years since I have spoken to her.
96. I guess my wife is not that smart because when I told her that we are spoiling our children, she told me that all children have a smell like that.
97. I had asked my wife to make me breakfast in bed. She said, If you want that, go sleep in the kitchen.
98. I had married the woman who was ‘right’ for me, I wasn’t aware that she had another first name, Always.
99. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
100. I had once asked a couple who had recently completed their gold anniversary if they had ever thought about divorcing one another when things got tough. The couple laughed and replied no, we did think about murder, but not divorce.
101. I had once asked my wife if she ever fantasized or dreamt about me, she did say yes. It was mostly about me doing the laundry and the dishes, besides mowing our lawn and taking out the trash every night.
102. I had once given my husband the ‘silent treatment’ for a week to see how he would react. At the end of the week, he said, Hey, looks like we have been getting along pretty well?
103. I had written married, but the auto-correct changed it to martyred, no wonder computer is becoming intelligent day by day.
104. I have to start paying more attention to what my wife says. The other day I found out that we both have separate names for our cats.
105. I have two neighbors who live across the street from us. One day, I had curiously asked how they managed to stay with one another for such a long time. They replied it’s because they take time twice to go out each week. They have a romantic candle-lit dinner with some beautiful jazz music. The wife goes out on Wednesdays, and the husband goes out on Fridays.
106. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months.... I don't like to interrupt her.
107. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
108. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.
109. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life.
110. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.
111. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour.
112. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
113. I never understood the secret behind true happiness, I was about to find out when I got married, now I will never know.
114. I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, 'Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!' — Bonnie McFarlane
115. I spoke to the bride and groom before the wedding and I asked the groom what he was looking for in marriage. He said, Love, happiness and a long life together. When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, Coffee and turn up the AC.
116. I think I married another person’s soul mate; I wish they’d come and take her away.
117. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
118. I walked up the aisle and said 'I do'. And I've been doing it ever since.
119. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her.
120. I would love to have the bride and groom have children someday, they don’t know what fun they are missing out,. After a hard day’s work when they come back to their children throwing flour and salt at each other and announce a bake-off war, they will know.
121. I'm not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
122. I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
123. I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
124. I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the center of attention.
125. I’m pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting…[pause] … you all to have a good time tonight!
126. If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker!
127. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
128. If marriage is an institution and love is blind, then is love marriage similar to going to a blind institution?
129. If someone asks you to be their best man at their wedding, it is similar to that of jury duty.
130. If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
131. If you are a man and you want your marriage to be filled with love, it is crucial to keep your mouth shut when you are right. But you must admit at the first chance when you are wrong.
132. If you are the best man at the wedding, you are given no chance to prove it, which is not fair.
133. If you have something on your mind that you don’t want to tell anyone, tell it to your husband, he isn’t listening anyway.
134. If you want to marry a rich, smart, and beautiful woman—you will end up marrying three times.
135. If your wife is not arguing and remains silent, then she is asleep.
136. It is a lovely feeling waking up to the birds chirping who are generally in the middle of an argument with their spouses.
137. It is only after you get married that you realize all the wife-husband jokes were never jokes, but instances from real life.
138. It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to, and he couldn’t.
139. It was my wife’s birthday the other day, so I ended up buying a refrigerator for her. It wasn’t much, but her face lit up when she opened the refrigerator door.
140. It's not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.
141. It’s a punishment to love your wife and a sin to love another man’s wife.
142. It’s amazing how one person waiting to get married to you, who you can annoy for the rest of your life.
143. It’s not important who wears the pants in the relationship, but it is essential to know how much money is in your pocket.
144. Just asked my wife what she’s burning up for dinner and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
145. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life
146. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
147. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
148. Leading up to today the Bride and Groom were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom) thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.
149. Life is quite simple, you look at a poor man, and he tells you he wants to be rich, you look at a rich man, and he wants to be a happy man, you look at a happy man and he wants to get married, the married man, however, wants to die.
150. Live each day as if it were your last—and each night as if it were your first!
151. Love is a lot of chemistry, so if your wife considers you toxic waste, you now know why.
152. Love is blind and marriage is an institution, so why go to a blind institution?
153. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
154. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!
155. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
156. Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other, Do you have to do that right now?
157. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
158. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
159. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
160. Marriage is much similar to a bar of soap. It looks and smells great before you bite into it.
161. Marriage is quite similar to uninstalling all the apps on your phone, except keeping the useful one.
162. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
163. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
164. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
165. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
166. Marriage isn't for everybody—men for instance!
167. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can.
168. Marrying a divorced individual is ecologically responsible. It is as if you are letting everyone know that recycling isn’t that bad after all, it protects the environment.
169. Men are dumb… and it has been quite clear to me for some time now that I married their President.
170. Men who have an ear piercing can be compared to the men going into war prepared. They have experienced the pain and also bought jewelry, which is what marriage is mostly about.
171. Mr. Potato Man is the perfect husband for any woman. He is cute, funny, and if he looks at any other woman, you can quickly rearrange his face.
172. My doctor advised me to break a sweat every day. I said Alright, then it’s time for me to start lying to my wife.
173. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
174. My doctor told me yesterday that I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol, so I told my husband, We have to get divorced because the doctor said I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol.
175. My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after ever divorce she gets to keep the house.
176. My husband and I had been happy for 23 years, it was after that when we first met each other.
177. My husband and I have come to a difficult decision. We do not want children. If anyone is interested, let us know, we will give them to you free of charge.
178. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
179. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
180. My husband is right there on the rooftop, and I am, however only a few feet away, claiming the insurance that could change my entire life.
181. My neighbor and his wife were arguing for the past couple of hours about whether they were fighting or not.
182. My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
183. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
184. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
185. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
186. My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline because she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
187. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven't fit in my pants since March.
188. My wife has been following this fruit diet for a couple of days, and there are fruits everywhere. It ought to make any man-go bonkers.
189. My wife has given birth five times, and yet she still manages to fit in her prom dress. And here I am, who gave birth zero times yet hasn’t been able to fit into the jeans I bought two months back.
190. My wife has permitted me to join a biker gang, but my curfew is at 9.
191. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
192. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
193. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
194. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we argued serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
195. My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
196. My wife says I never listen... or something like that.
197. My wife says I'm too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
198. My wife tells me that I am guilty of two things… I do not listen to her, and the second is something I don’t remember.
199. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
200. My wife was angry at me because I had dropped ice cubes under the fridge, I can’t say her anger went away, but those ice cubes turned to water.
201. My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, All kids smell that way.
202. My wife’s dress sense is meant to kill anybody, her cooking is quite the same.
203. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
204. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
205. On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.
206. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!
207. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, Honey, am I your first? She says, Why does everyone ask me that?
208. Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
209. People always ask me how my husband and I have maintained our marriage for twenty long years. I tell them marriage is all about forgiveness, like how I have forgiven my husband for not being Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
210. People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck
211. Recently, my husband has been cooking for me because he calls me a goddess. And yes, he does treat me like one because he ends up offering burnt everything in front of me.
212. She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows—she said What's all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?
213. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
214. Since I have been allowed to give a speech at this big fat wedding here, I have decided to become a public speaker.
215. Smoking and marriage share a similarity. You start it because you feel like it, and then continue it because it is a must.
216. So recently, my wife has been blaming me for changing the autocorrect from you are a psychic to you are a psycho, I mean I could not help myself.
217. So where do I start with (Groom's name) ? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry....(Groom’s name) …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
218. So, I asked my husband why he doesn’t show the same affection as our neighbor shows to his wife. He replied, I can’t, she is a stranger.
219. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about (Groom).
220. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
221. Thanks, babe, for waking up at 3 am to tell me to get some sleep, my insomnia could not figure that out.
222. The boss says to his worker: Marcus, I know that your salary is not enough to get married … but you must believe me that one day you will thank me.
223. The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together - during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.
224. The bride blushed and said this was her first time and that she hasn’t ever modeled. The photographer told her, I did not mean you; I meant your husband.
225. The Bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Too bad the Groom married her before she found one.
226. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
227. The difference between legal separation and divorce is only one. In a legal separation, the husband can easily hide his money.
228. The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
229. The friend asked, so what about before you had married him. To which the woman replied, Oh, he was a multi-millionaire back then.
230. The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.
231. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why?Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
232. The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? Tell him sex starts at 6 P.M. sharp—whether he's there or not.
233. There are two most important rules when it comes to a happy marriage. The first rule is that your wife is always the right one. The second rule is when you think your wife is wrong, you must remind yourself of the first rule.
234. There are two ways to separate my husband’s laundry, one pile is filthy laundry and the other is filthy yet wearable laundry.
235. There was one time when (Groom's name) was asked, What is (Bride's name) favorite flower? To which he had no hesitation in replying, Self-Rising!
236. They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
237. They married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse!
238. They surely got married for worse or for better. She couldn’t have gotten someone worse, and he couldn’t have gotten someone better.
239. They've been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus.
240. To that, she replied, no, I said those words to this bottle of wine.
241. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
242. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more
243. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
244. Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs...
245. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however the groom was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
246. Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks...
247. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.
248. What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
249. What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
250. What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
251. What do wives and hurricanes have in common? On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
252. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
253. What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today's brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
254. What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
255. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
256. What makes a good wife? One who helps her husband with the washing up! And, What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep? It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway.
257. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
258. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is one sweet, long dream, whereas marriage is the alarm clock.
259. What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be? A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.
260. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.
261. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
262. When a woman makes a fool out of any man, it is basically an overall improvement.
263. When a young couple was getting married, it was quite apparent that the bride had a taste of the finer things in life because as soon as the vows were exchanged, she asked, What does he mean for poorer or for richer?
264. When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals.
265. When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
266. When your wife/husband gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her/him a lot more upset.
267. Whenever I leave my work and come home early, my wife greets me nicely with the special words, Did they fire you?
268. Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.
269. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
270. Whenever my wife packs my lunch and I see that it’s a salad, I know I will have a hard time when I return home.
271. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time!
272. Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
273. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
274. Why did the Mormon cross the road? To get to the other bride.
275. Why did the moth stick to the bride's face? Because she was glowing.
276. Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end? She told him never to interrupt.
277. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
278. Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
279. Wife: I love you. Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
280. Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that? Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her.
281. Women get married to men because they believe they can change someday, but men get married to women because they think they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact that they are both wrong.
282. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
283. Yesterday I asked my husband where he wants to go for our upcoming anniversary. To which he replies, Somewhere new, somewhere where I haven’t yet been. I told him, Well then, how about going to the kitchen?
284. You should always marry men who are a couple of years older than you or about the same age as you. As you get older, you will lose your beauty and youth, and he will lose his sight. It’s a win-win!
285. Your wife and boomerang have an important similarity. The faster you throw, the harder she comes back.
286. Your wife asks the questions your psychiatrist does, only free of cost.

Best One-Liners

1. A child knows that when his mother is laughing at his father’s jokes, there are guests over.
2. A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
3. A man must say two important things for a healthy marriage, You’re right and I am sorry.
4. A woman is always worried about her future until she gets married. A man never worries about his future until he gets married.
5. Before telling my wife about a mistake that I have made, I tend to take both of her hands to hold her, that way, she won’t have anything to hit me with.
6. Congratulating someone on their marriage is like congratulating them on a mistake.
7. Dear women, if you want to get rid of your husbands during weekends, consider teaching them fishing.
8. Do you know what I used to do before getting married? Anything my heart desired.
9. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
10. I have quite poor eyesight in general, so once I asked my husband if I looked fat, he replied that my eyesight had improved apparently.
11. I saw a man once twisting his wedding ring. I jokingly asked why he was doing it, he replied that he was still trying to understand the combination.
12. I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her, At least the wedding went off without a hitch.
13. If you want your man to remember the date of your wedding anniversary, then get married on his birthday.
14. If your husband is nowhere to be found, take out his car and start driving, you will see him running behind the car.
15. It has been a very emotional day...as some of you must have noticed, even the cake is in tiers.
16. It turns out my wife is a big BTS fan. The other day, she was listening to one of their songs called Fire. She was enjoying the song until I realized she also set my personal belongings on fire.
17. It would be wonderful someday to see (bride) and (groom) have children. I think people who never have children just don't understand what they're missing. They'll never know the thrill of coming home after a hard days work to see their children stuffing spaghetti up their noses.
18. It’s crucial that I and my wife share my sense of humor because she doesn’t possess one.
19. Just asked my wife what she's burning up for dinner and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
20. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
21. Marriage is what kind of sport? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
22. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife..
23. My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is not talking to me yet.
24. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:
25. Only after getting married you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
26. The (Bride) did actually tell me (Groom) has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off.. but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.
27. The couple before us is a match made in heaven, it’s both simple and pure. One is simple, and the other is pure.
28. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are I apologize and You are right.
29. The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
30. The Groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
31. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
32. The husband wanted space from his wife. The wife told him, join NASA.
33. The husband who retired from his job becomes his wife’s full-time job.
34. The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
35. The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. — J. Krishnamurti
36. The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
37. The one thing common among every man in a singles bar is that everyone is married.
38. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
39. The only time it is recommended to argue with your wife is when she isn’t around.
40. The process of marriage is mostly trying to find out the kind of man your wife always wanted.
41. The secret to turning a fox into an elephant is to marry it.
42. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!
43. There are three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly the catering.
44. There are top three situations in our lives that tend to require witnesses, or it is never possible. The first is big accidents, then crimes, and last but not least, marriages.
45. There are two choices you have in your life, you either can be single and remain miserable for the rest of your life, or you could be married and wish to die.
46. There are two times when a man does not understand what a woman has to say. One is before marrying her, and the other one is after marrying her.
47. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
48. There is only a teeny tiny difference between marriage and love, where love tends to be blind, marriage is certainly the eye-opener that everyone requires.
49. There was a group of guy friends who met and were talking. One of the guys said, My wife is an angel, to that, his friend replied, you’re quite lucky, mine is still alive.
50. There was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.
51. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
52. Why doesn't our society let a man marry two wives? Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment.