Best Mom Jokes

1. A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40. I said no, 40 babies are enough.
2. A kid asks his dad, What’s a man? The dad says, A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family. The kid says, I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!
3. A mother said to her son, Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving. The son replied, Maybe he has good parents then!
4. A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He said, 'Call for backup.'
5. A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people do in a day.
6. According to my kids, dogs are boys and cats are girls, but moms, only moms are bears.
7. After a long day, my favorite thing is to think of something for dinner that everyone will eat. —No mother, ever
8. All we can really do as parents is try our best and set aside enough money for therapy.
9. Are my kids perfect? No, but we can blame dad for that one!
10. As a mom, I’m no longer a snack. I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
11. Aw honey, I'll always be chicken up on you!
12. Baby snake: Mommy, are we venomous? / Mommy snake: Yes, son. Why? / Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!
13. Becoming a mom means your baby is the one who’s up drinking all night. But you’re the one with the hangover.
14. Before having kids, every mom thinks she’ll be a super-chill mom. That’s because, at that point, we had no idea they’d break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly ten years to get out of the car.
15. Behind the scenes of every picture taken at home is a mom shoving crap out of the frame so the house looks clean.
16. Being a mom is hard. You have to raise kids and a full-grown man!
17. Being a mother has taught me bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in small children.
18. Being a mother is like constantly having to clean up after a party you didn’t attend.
19. Being a mother of a teenager is finally understanding why some animals eat their young.
20. Being a parent means never having a moment to yourself. Even in the bathroom.
21. Bought my mom a mug that says, Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son. I forgot to mail it, but I think she knows.
22. Boy: My mom is having a new baby. / Girl: What’s wrong with the old one?
23. Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
24. Daughter: “Mom, can you put on my shoes? Mom: “I don’t think they’ll fit me.
25. Daughter: “Mom, I really need some personal space! Mom: “You came out of my personal space.
26. Daughter: “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? Mom: “I don’t know. Ask your grandmother.
27. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
28. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
29. Don’t be so hard on yourself; the mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for weeks and didn’t notice.
30. Don’t be so hard on yourself; the mom in ET had an alien living in her house for weeks and didn’t notice.
31. Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species that eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
32. Eight-year-old: I’m hungry / Mom: Have some fruit / Eight-year-old: I don’t want fruit. / Mom: Then you’re not hungry.
33. est Resorts in Hawaii for the Ideal Island VacationIf You See a Coin on a Gravestone, This Is What It MeansA Popular Wet-Dry Vacuum Has Been Recalled—Here’s What We KnowThe Best Spa Resorts in the United States for a Relaxing Getaway
34. Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line.
35. Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her? I really hit the mother lode with you.
36. Everything you do is so mom point.
37. Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
38. First baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as the test is positive. Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
39. First baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Second baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as the pregnancy test is positive. Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
40. First child eats dirt, mom calls the doctor. Second child eats dirt, mom cleans out their mouth. Third child eats dirt, mom wonders if she still needs to make lunch.
41. Getting lucky used to mean something else. Now it means both kids are asleep at the same time.
42. Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
43. Good moms let you lick the beaters after making brownies, great moms turn them off first.
44. Guide for baking with your children. Step one: Don’t.
45. Have you heard the urban legend about what happens when you scream “Mom three times in the shower? A nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.
46. Having a strange mom is character-building.
47. Having a weird mom builds character.
48. Helping the kids with homework: Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
49. Here's one way to teach the kids about irony: scream, STOP SCREAMING.
50. Honey, stop looking for the perfect match… use a lighter.
51. How do I always find your missing phone? I have an amazing mom-ory.
52. How do you get the kids to be quiet? Just say, “mum’s the word.
53. How do you get the kids to be quiet? Say, Mum’s the word.
54. How do you keep little cows quiet, so their mommy can sleep late? Use the moooooote button.
55. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
56. How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
57. How does a mom always knows when kids are sick. She uses a ther-mom-eter.
58. How kids say goodnight: I fed the dog, and now he’s making a funny noise.
59. How many bottles should you have when you’ve got a baby? Two. One for baby and one for mom.
60. How many moms does it take to get you to clean your room? One, but it takes 18 years!
61. How many moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, obviously, and she has to do it or else it won’t get done.
62. How old are you again? I've lost track at this point.
63. I always did my best to rosé you right.
64. I always have a take on everything. My husband calls my explanations momsplaining.
65. I asked a police recruit during an exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He said, Call for backup.
66. I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, Not yet. We're still waiting for someone to come and claim you.
67. I asked my mom if she could make me a sandwich. She said, Poof! You're a sandwich!
68. I asked my toddler if she wanted to go to the park, and she replied, No, I'm too busy being adorable.
69. I bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son. I forgot to mail it, but I think she knows.
70. I child-proofed my house, but my kids keep getting in.
71. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!
72. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
73. I expected to have to spend more time on things after having kids, but no one warned me about how many years of my life I’d lose waiting for them to get in and out of the car.
74. I feel personally victimized by my daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me.
75. I feel personally victimized by my own daughter. I just want her to stop throwing crackers at me.
76. I Googled all my symptoms. It turns out I have kids.
77. I hate it when people say, “age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
78. I hate when I'm waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember I am the mom, and I have to cook dinner.
79. I hate when I’m waiting for Mom to cook dinner—and then I remember I am Mom.
80. I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.
81. I heard a man often ends up with a woman like his mom. That explains your taste in fun, pretty, and a little insane.
82. I like telling mom jokes. Sometimes, she laughs!
83. I live in constant fear of having to share a fun fact about me.
84. I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.
85. I love it when I find myself screaming 'STOP SCREAMING' at my kids. That's how I teach them irony. @motherhoodandmore
86. I love my kids. Not enough to flip the chicken nuggets halfway through cooking, but I love them.
87. I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them.
88. I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.
89. I love you loads… like the loads of laundry you probably have waiting for me.
90. I must admit that I’ve never done CrossFit, but I have buckled a screaming child into a car seat at the speed of light.
91. I never expected to miss having you in the house so much!
92. I never knew how much patience I had until I became a parent. Now, it's my superpower.
93. I opened the first little door on my Moms Advent Calendar. A pile of laundry fell out.
94. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
95. I really want my children to be headstrong and strong-willed individuals. Just not while I’m raising them.
96. I smile because I'm your mother, but I laugh because there's nothing I can do about it!
97. I stubbed my toe and my mom shouted at me for yelling, What the duck! She was angry that I used fowl language.
98. I think I had a pretty mom-mental role in your life!
99. I told my daughter to stop playing with my food. So she started playing with her plate instead.
100. I told my kids they can be anything they want when they grow up, as long as it's not taller than me.
101. I told my kids they should've been born in a different decade. They asked why. I said, Because it's cheaper by the dozen.
102. I told my son I was going to buy him a book on procrastination, but I keep putting it off.
103. I tried to explain to my 4-year-old daughter that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But she’s still making fun of me.
104. I tried to make a joke about a toddler bed, but it fell apart.
105. I tried to teach my kids about taxes, but they just responded with, That sounds like a you problem.
106. I used to be a vegetarian, but then I had too much beef with the other moms.
107. I used to play piano by ear, but now I play it by mom-ory.
108. I used to think I was a morning person, but then I had kids. Now, I'm more of a give me all the coffee person.
109. I used to watch scary movies for entertainment. Now, I just watch my kids bake in my kitchen.
110. I usually only let crazy mom out a few times a month. Just enough so the kids are always aware she exists.
111. I was asked to write parenting advice in a guestbook for a baby shower. So, I just left them my favorite daiquiri recipe.
112. I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for opening her granola bar from the top instead of the bottom. I don’t know what I was thinking.
113. I'll say you're my favorite if you give me a massage!
114. I'm a woman like no m-other.
115. I'm homeschooling like that substitute teacher who rolls in the tv for a movie and just eats snacks in the back of the class. @fruitsofmotherhood
116. I'm knit-really the best mom
117. I'm my kids' favorite person to overthink things with.
118. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
119. I'm truly the mother of invention.
120. I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing!
121. I've learned that parenting is a lot like playing Whac-A-Mole. Just when you think you've got one problem solved, another one pops up.
122. I’d love to be a Pinterest mom, but it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.
123. I’m going to donate these bags of outgrown baby clothes to Goodwill. But first, I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for two months.
124. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
125. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
126. If being a parent were a job, I'd be the CEO of chaos management.
127. If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me wherever I try to hide!
128. If I get through this quarantine without buying a tie-dye sweatsuit I can do anything. @alyssalimp
129. If kids were flowers, I'd pick you!
130. Important truth no one tells you: Both of you come home from the hospital in diapers.
131. Ironically, we celebrate the kid on the anniversary of the day the mom did all the work.
132. Is it yelling or just enthusiastic motivational speaking?
133. Is it yelling? Or just very enthusiastic motivational speaking?
134. It was my mother's birthday yesterday. I think it's time to take a mom-ent to celebrate how awesome she is.
135. It's not easy being a mom. If it were, Dad would do it!
136. It’s ironic that we celebrate the kid on the anniversary of the day their mom did all the work.
137. It’s spicy is the universal mom code word for I don’t want to share.
138. Ketchup!
139. Kid: “What’s a man? Dad: “A man is someone responsible and cares for his family. Kid: “One day, I want to be a man just like mom!
140. Kid: Mom, stop. You aren't funny. Mom: I made you.
141. Kid: What’s for dinner? Mom: Food Kid: What kind? Mom: The kind you eat
142. Kids sure do make a lot of plans for people who can’t drive themselves anywhere.
143. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Adore. Adore who? Adore you mommy!
144. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like breakfast in bed mommy?
145. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Omelet. Omelet who? Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
146. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Yo mama. Yo mama who? Yo mama who knows you didn’t throw out the garbage like I asked you to.
147. Last week, I washed the car with my son. He asked why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
148. Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches, and we can all be late. @simoncholland
149. Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, Phew it’s chocolate.
150. Life of a mom: It takes 35 minutes to put shoes on your toddler, but they can open three apps, delete iTunes, and call your boss in 17 seconds.
151. Look at me, Mommy! is the toddler equivalent of Hold my beer.
152. May your coffee be stronger than your toddler.
153. Mom at Night: Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of me-time. Mom in the Morning: Hahahaha, nice try.
154. Mom sleep: It’s like regular sleep but without the sleep.
155. Mom sleep: the state of rest where your eyes are closed, but you can still hear everything your kids are doing.
156. Mom, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
157. Mom, I donut know what I’d do without you.
158. Mom, I love you loads. Like, loads of laundry. Speaking of…
159. Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don't know, ask your grandma!
160. Mom, you did a grape job raisin me.
161. Mom: Come down for dinner! / Kid: I’m busy, mooooom! / Mom: Right now before it gets cold! (runs down the stairs) / Kid: Where’s the food?/ Mom: It’ll be ready in five minutes.
162. Mom: I have the perfect son. / Friend: Does he smoke? / Mom: No, he doesn’t. / Friend: Does he drink whiskey? / Mom: No, he doesn’t. / Friend: Does he ever come home late? / Mom: No, he doesn’t. / Friend: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? / Mom: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
163. Mom: Master of multitasking, maker of memories, manager of money, maker of meals, made of magic.
164. Mom: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away — while daddy snores next to you.
165. Mom's recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold.
166. Mom’s casseroles come in two sizes: not enough and enough to feed an army with leftovers.
167. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
168. Mombie: (n.) A sleep-deprived supermom who feeds on caffeine and feeds on kisses.
169. Mommy doesn’t have a favorite child—you all annoy me equally.
170. Mommy: Mommy will think about it! / Narrator: Mommy never thought about it. She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.
171. Moms are the only ones who know the true meaning of 24/7.
172. Momster: What Mom turns into after she counts to three.
173. Mother to son: “I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both legs, don’t come running to me!
174. Mother to son: I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!
175. Mother: (n.) One person who does the work of 20 for free.
176. Motherhood has shown me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol.
177. Motherhood is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.
178. Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes every day.
179. Motherhood is fun and all, but have you ever had an empty house on a Saturday?
180. Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
181. Motherhood means that half the time, I feel like I’m running an asylum, and the other half, I feel like I belong in one.
182. Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.
183. Motherhood: Because going to the bathroom in private is over-rated.
184. Motherhood: the love is boundless, but the hours are terrible.
185. Motherhood: When changing from pajamas to yoga pants qualifies as getting dressed.
186. Motherhood: When changing from plaid flannel PJs into black yoga pants qualifies as getting dressed.
187. Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
188. Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
189. My greatest failure: never being able to teach you how to fold a fitted sheet.
190. My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as there appears to have been a struggle.
191. My husband and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
192. My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7Up.
193. My kid sure talks a lot of crap for someone who still puts Crocs on the wrong feet.
194. My kids asked me what it was like to be a mom. So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding to know where my lucky sock was.
195. My kids call it helicopter parenting, but I prefer to think of it as surveillance with love.
196. My kids can never make fun of me for teaching me how to use my phone. I taught them how to use a spoon.
197. My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
198. My kids: 3 out of 5 stars, could have been a bit quieter.
199. My mom superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.
200. My mom told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
201. My mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. I said, Oh, yeah? Just you wait.
202. My mom: Maybe if you listened when I told you not to do that, you would be perfectly fine right now.
203. My mum has the best solutions for every problem. She is truly the mother of invention.
204. My nickname is Mom. But my full name is Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.
205. My parenting style can be summed up in one word: improvise.
206. My son ran up to me to tell me he has a painful papercut. I said, “Cool. You were 10 pounds at birth.
207. Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone, and still shoot you daggers for looking at her crazy.
208. Never make fun of me for how I use my phone, if I taught you how to use a spoon.
209. Never tell a mom you need some personal space. You came out of her personal space!
210. New mom math: Being able to instantly calculate age by months, even after the first year.
211. Night Mom: Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all of the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of silent ‘me time.' / Morning Mom: Hahahahahaha. Nice try.
212. Not old, just retro.
213. Not to be cheesy, but you’re a grate mom.
214. Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way someone is excited to see you!
215. Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.
216. Of all the evil stepmoms, aren't you glad you got me?
217. Olive you, mom!
218. One minute you are young and cool, maybe even a little dangerous, and the next you are reading Amazon reviews for birdseed. @simoncholland
219. Only a mother has the amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away, while dad snores inches away.
220. Other moms: Are you okay?! Let’s clean that up. I’ll take care of you.
221. Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers!
222. Parenting is buying a swing set so you can sit on the patio and drink wine in peace.
223. Please excuse the mess. My kids are making memories…of me yelling at them to clean up the mess.
224. Pointed look from mom: Give you money? Oh, honey, I already gave you life.
225. Putting a toddler to bed is like putting your drunk friend to bed. They’re singing to themselves. Requesting water. Mumbling. Incoherent bladder. Crying. Some weird yoga poses. Hiccups. And then they pass out.
226. Roses are red, violets are blue. My mom jokes are funnier than you.
227. Roses are red, Violets are blue. My mom’s jokes, Are funnier than you.
228. Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached? Student: “When my mom sees my report card.
229. She believed she could, and she almost did… But then someone asked her repeatedly for a snack and she totally lost track of what she was doing.
230. Shower paranoiThe constant feeling that a child is crying every time you step in.
231. Shower paranoithe constant feeling that a child is crying every time you step under the spray.
232. Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone’s yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.
233. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
234. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.
235. Some days I do yoga and don't yell at my kids. Some days I scream at them while eating cake over the kitchen sink. It's called balance. @katiebinghamsmith
236. Some days, you question your parenting. Other days, you have to question your child’s childing.
237. Some graduate with honors, I am just honored my kids graduated.
238. Son: “Mom, can I get $20? Mom: “Does it look like I’m made of money? Son: “Isn’t that what M.O.M. stands for?
239. Son: “Mom, I’m hungry. Mom: “Have some fruit. Son: “I don’t want fruit. Mom: “Then you’re not hungry.
240. Son: “Stop making jokes, mom. You’re not funny. Mom: “Well, I made you.
241. Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants? / Dad: No. / Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!
242. Son: Mom, can I get $20? / Mom: Does it look like I’m made of money? / Son: Well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?
243. Son: Mom, can I get $20? Mom: Does it look like I'm made of money? Son: Well, isn't that what M.O.M stands for?
244. Son: Mom, what’s a weekend? / Mom: I don’t know, sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born.
245. Son: When is Mother’s Day, Dad? / Dad: (wearily unplugging the vacuum) Every day, son, every day.
246. Spit up is my new favorite accessory; no outfit is complete without it.
247. Sunday School Teacher: “Tell me, do you say prayers before eating? Student: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.
248. The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the internet. It’s by telling your mom.
249. The most magical power a mother has is the ability to translate toddler nonsense and respond, Okay, I'll get you that in just one minute.
250. The only thing that rivals birthing children is waking them up the day after break ends!
251. There are no rules in this house… besides never ask me for anything before I've had my coffee.
252. There are two amounts of pasta moms are good at cooking: Not enough and enough for 3,000 people.
253. There is no butter mom than you!
254. They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
255. To Mom: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, can I have… where are you? / To Dad: Where’s Mom?
256. To the woman who rosé me right.
257. Toddler son: “Mommy, what’s a weekend? Mom: “I don’t know, sweetheart. I haven’t had one since you were born.
258. We have the perfect mother-daughter relationship. You're my daughter, and I'm perfect!
259. What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? Phone, Internet, telling your mother.
260. What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.
261. What color flowers do mama cats like to get? Purrrrrrrple flowers.
262. What did Mommy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
263. What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.
264. What did the accountant say while making breakfast for her kids? This whole parenting thing is taxing.
265. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s Popcorn?
266. What did the digital clock say to its analog mother? Look, Mom! No hands!
267. What did the drummer call her two daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
268. What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day? They shellabrated their mommy.
269. What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes? “Relax, mom, you can just do them in the morning.
270. What did the mama rope say to her child? Don’t be knotty.
271. What did the mama say to the foal? It’s pasture bedtime.
272. What did the mama say to the foal? It’s pasture your bedtime.
273. What did the Mama tomato say to the baby tomato?
274. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
275. What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
276. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep!
277. What did the mother rope say to her child? Don’t be knotty.
278. What did the panda give his mommy? A bear hug.
279. What do Italian kids say to their moms? Mama mia, you make the best food!
280. What do you call a mom who can’t draw? Tracy.
281. What do you call a mom who isn’t around much and can’t seem to get their underwear into the hamper? Dad.
282. What do you call a mother cow that's just given birth? De-calf-inated.
283. What do you call a short mom? A mini-mum.
284. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
285. What does the mom diet consist of? All of the foods her kids can't finish.
286. What is a jumper? Something you wear when your mother gets cold.
287. What is a mom’s favorite flower? Chrysanthemoms.
288. What kind of boat is barely staying afloat, yet somehow manages to function? The mother ship.
289. What kind of candy do moms love for Mother’s Day? Her-she’s Kisses.
290. What kind of coffee was the alien mommy drinking on Mother’s Day? Starbucks.
291. What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.
292. What kind of flowers do yellow jacket mothers like for Mother’s Day? Bee-gonias.
293. What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.
294. What makes more noise than a child jumping on mommy’s bed? Two children jumping on mommy’s bed!
295. What sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.
296. What three words solve every dad’s problems? Ask your mother.
297. What warm drink helps mom relax? Calm-omile tea.
298. What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year? Mummy’s Day.
299. What's a mom joke? Look in the mirror, kiddo.
300. What's black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
301. What's it like living with kids? Well, it's never mum-dane.
302. What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!
303. What’s a mama astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The space bar.
304. What’s the difference between Superman and mothers? Superman is a superhero when he has to be. Moms are superheroes all the time.
305. What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
306. When did you know you were a mother? When I realized 90 percent of my day was locating someone else’s lost crap.
307. When does a joke become a mom joke? When it becomes apparent.
308. When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.
309. When I had my first I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
310. When your mom asks if you want some advice, remember it is a rhetorical question.
311. When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
312. Where do baby Transformers come from? Opti-Mom Prime.
313. Who's da mom?!
314. Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning clearly didn’t have kids.
315. Why did mom get a plate of English muffins on Mother’s Day? Her family wanted her to feel like a queen!
316. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
317. Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? She was chili.
318. Why did the boy put the Mother’s Day cupcakes in the freezer? His sister told him to ice them.
319. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
320. Why did the mom cross the road? To get some peace and quiet.
321. Why did the mommy cat want to go bowling? She was an alley cat.
322. Why did the mommy horse want to race on a rainy day? She was a mudder.
323. Why did the mother cross the road? To get some peace and quiet!
324. Why did the Mother’s Day gift arrive the day after Mother’s Day? It was choco-late.
325. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
326. Why did they have to rush the mommy rattlesnake to the doctor? She bit her tongue!
327. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
328. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work!
329. Why do moms feel the need to tell such bad jokes? We just want to help you become a groan up.
330. Why do moms switch to drinks that are bitter and sweet once they have kids? They've been served a cold glass of reali-tea.
331. Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Their kids have to play inside.
332. Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist? Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
333. Why do my kids never appreciate that I stayed up all night overthinking for them?
334. Why do parents always say, Because I said so? Because because science isn't always a good enough explanation.
335. Why do parents make terrible detectives? Because they always find the evidence after the crime has been committed.
336. Why do some couples go to the gym together? Because they want their relationship to work out.
337. Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales? Because mothers are priceless.
338. Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.
339. Why is it that kids can repeat a swear word after hearing you say it once but still don’t know how to pick up their shoes despite seeing you do it a million times?
340. Why is Mother's Day before Father's Day? So kids can spend their Christmas money on mom.
341. Why pay a therapist when you have me?
342. Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom on Mother’s Day? Because she left the phone off the hook.
343. Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook.
344. Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.
345. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
346. Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water — said no mom ever.
347. You know it’s time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat, and your car assumes it’s a person not wearing a seat belt.
348. You know you're a mom when sleeping past 8 a.m. feels as magical as riding a unicorn.
349. You know you’re a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t only normal but necessary.
350. You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
351. You spend the first two years teaching your children to walk and talk. You spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
352. You understand on a deep level why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.
353. You're welcome for the fabulous DNA.
354. You're welcome for the womb and board.
355. Your nickname is Mom. But your real name is Mooooooooom!