Best One-Liners

1. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, It's a moving violation.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.A hard thing about a business is minding your own.A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!A magician was going down the road and turned into a driveway...A man walked into a bar. Ouch.A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos… and poof! He disappeared without a tres.A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.A new wine has been made for cats. It won’t be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some asshole has my pen.A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.A sandwich tried to get a reservation at a restaurant, but the waiter said they don’t serve food there.A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful! Herman said, It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.anity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.as such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speedBlunt pencils are really pointless.Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.Constipated people don’t give a crap.corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.Did Noah include termites on the ark?Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? I think it's total non-scents.Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.Do you know how scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?Dogs can't see your bones. But CAT scan.Dogs hate driving because they can never find a barking space.Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.Don’t believe the hype. Velcro is the ultimate rip-off.Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!e friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.e’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.eign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year.Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his shows. I guess you could say he was going through a stage.For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!… well, swine flu.girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven't you?Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.Give me the calculator. Friends don’t let friends derive drunk.God must love stupid people. He made SO many.Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?Have you played the updated kids’ game? I spy with my little eye…phone.Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?here are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.How does a computer get drunk? It takes screen shots.How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard? and he said, “I tell her about my job.I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.I ate an alarm clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.I bet you I could stop gambling.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she's standing.I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.I can’t even count how many times I failed at basic arithmetic.I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarianI didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.I dislike Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.I don't have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.I doubt, therefore, I might be.I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.I finished the puzzle in six months, even though the box said it would take 4 to 5 years.I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face. I said, “You’ll be sorry. He said, “Oh, yeah? Why? I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.I got kicked out of the secret cooking club after I spilled the beans.I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.I had an “hourglass figure, but then the sand shifted.I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it.I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.I have all the money I'll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.I heard Cinderella tried out for the basketball team, but she kept running away from the ball.I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.I hope there’s no pop quiz on the class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.I intend to live forever. So far, so good.I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired.I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it!I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.I love oral sex…it’s the phone bill I hate.I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.I recently saw a sign that said: “Watch for Animals. What a great deal!I recently sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.I refused to believe the road worker was stealing from his job, but when I went to his home, all the signs were there.I said “no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.I saw a sign that said, Watch for children, and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.I think, therefore I’m single.I thought I had a handle on life, but then it broke.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.I tried to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless.I tried to have my doctor treat my case of invisibility, but he said he couldn’t see me.I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.I tried writing with a broken pencil, but it was pointless.I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.I was so surprised when the stationery store moved.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.I, for one, like Roman numerals.I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch.I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t itI’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.I’m throwing a space-themed party for my birthday, but I don’t want to planet.I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can…I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a wrap.I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?If a parsley farmer doesn’t pay his taxes, the government may garnish his wages.If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.If at first you don’t succeed with a crowbar, pry, pry again.If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.If I don’t perfect human cloning, I won’t be able to live with myself.If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?If prisoners could take their own mugshots… they'd be called cellfies.If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store free yet?If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.If you can’t convince them, confuse them.If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US?If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger …If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?If you take care of a chicken, are you a chicken tender?If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit and “syphilisImpotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You'll have trouble putting on your pants.It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.It’s bad luck to be superstitious.It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I’m Alabama self.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? No­bel, so I knock knocked.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep aloneLaugh at your problems, everybody else does.Leopards are terrible at hide-and-seek because they’re always spotted.Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.Life is like a diploma. As in my parents keep telling me to get one.Life's like a bird. It's pretty cute until it poops on your head.Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.Lite: the new way to spell “Light, now with 20% fewer letters!ll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we be positive, but it's just so hard without him.My drinking team has a bowling problem.My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.My fear of moving stairs is escalating.My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar but I don’t believe him.My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. It's a matter of wife or death.My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.My IQ test results came back. They were negative.My kid kept asking me to stop imitating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.My math teacher called me average. How mean!My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.My son just discovered I’d replaced this bed with a trampoline. He hit the ceiling!My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, Just you wait!My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!My wife told me sex is better on holiday… that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.n 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.National Geographic / Nat GeoNever agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.Never lick the spoon.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.Never trust an atom — they make up everything.Never trust atoms; they make up everything.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.No one is listening until you fart.Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.Nothing tops a plain pizza.Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good…One bird can’t make a pun. But toucan.One fish in an aquarium asks the other, “So how do you drive this thing?One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.Only dead fish go with the flow.Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.ositive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.ou don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.Parallel lines have so much in common, but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.People say I’m condescending; that means I talk down to people.People say I’m indecisive, but I’m not so sure.People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate – period!Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.Russian dolls are so full of themselves.Say what you want about deaf people…Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes is the answer.Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?Shoutout to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.Show everyone you have a great sense of humor. Make them smile with your witty jokes and puns! Here are some of the best one liner jokes that are guaranteed to make your friends laugh every time:Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.Smoking will kill you… bacon will kill you… and yet, smoking bacon will cure it.So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.Strangers have the best candy.Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.Thanks for explaining the word “many to me, it means a lot.The best part of borrowing money from a pessimist is that he never expects it back.The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.The best thing about signing a friend’s cast is you can add insult to injury.The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.The book on anti-gravity was a fast read — it was impossible to put down.The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter.The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.The farther away the future is, the better it looks.The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.The more this towel dries, the wetter it gets.The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. He’s at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.The most vulnerable spot in a group of clowns is the juggler.The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.The perfectionist walked into the bar because it wasn’t set high enough.The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.The problem with thieves is that they always take things literally.The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy.The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.The rotation of Earth really makes my day.The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.Then it hit me.There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.There was a kidnapping on a school bus, but it’s fine. He woke up.There's a fine line between hyphenated words.There's no I in denial.There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now.They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.They say money talks. All mine says is “goodbye.They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought, I'm gonna get kicked out of this Ikea pretty soon.Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. Because it's cap-sized.trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.Two burglars stole a calendar last night, and they each got six months.Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce him.Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter.Velcro – what a rip-off!Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?War does not determine who is right – only who is left.We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hourWe have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.What do dogs do when watching a DVD? They press paws.What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk? An udder failure.What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink? Soba.What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationary.What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? He goes under cover.What goes, “Oh, oh, oh? Santa walking backward.What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.What if soy milk were just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?What if there were no hypothetical questions?What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?What is the sound of no-hands texting?What vitamin helps you to see? Vitamin C.What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time… A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.When dogs go to sleep, they read bite-time stories before bed.When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.When in doubt, mumble.When life gives you melons, you might be a little confused.When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen.When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify: I put “DOCTOR. What’s my mother going to do?Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Through the grapevine.Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.Whiteboards are remarkable.Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one.Whoever invented knock-knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed.Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.Why is a bra singular and panties plural?Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.With a calendar, your days are numbered.With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.Without ME, it’s just AWESO.Women should not have children after 35, but 35 kids are enough!Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.Would a cardboard belt be a waist of paper?y friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.You do realize that vampires aren't real. Unless you Count Dracula.You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.You have two parts of the brain, “left and “right. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.You’re never too old to learn something stupid.Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.