One-Liners

1. A man tells his doctor, Help me. I'm addicted to Twitter The doctor replies, Sorry, I'm not following you.
2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
3. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
4. As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field. But hay. it's in my jeans.
5. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
6. Did you hear about the broken hearing aid? Wait, what?
7. Did you hear about the car with logs for wheels? It wooden go.
8. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
9. Did you hear about the kidnapping? They woke her up.
10. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
11. Have you ever been camping? It's in tents.
12. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
13. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma'? There's no menu, you only get what you deserve.
14. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. We don't serve your type shouts the barman.
15. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
16. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
17. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
18. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said Thanks I said Don't mention it.
19. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
20. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
21. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
22. I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves
23. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.
24. I have many jokes about rich kids, but sadly, none of them work.
25. I invented a new word today: plagiarism.
26. I never make mistakes; I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
27. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. She couldn't control her pupils.
28. I once read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.
29. I only catch cold on weekdays. Probably because I have a weekend immune system.
30. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, What's the word on the street?
31. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
32. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
33. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
34. I try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks they're funny.
35. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
36. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
37. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
38. I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is.
39. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
40. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
41. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
42. I'd tell you a pizza joke, but it's probably too cheesy.
43. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
44. I'm afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.
45. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
46. I've decided to sell my Hoover. it was just collecting dust.
47. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
48. If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
49. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
50. It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
51. Just received a card full of rice. It's from Uncle Ben.
52. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
53. Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.
54. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said 40.
55. My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesn't
56. My girlfriend treats me like a god… she ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
57. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
58. My mom asked me to put the cat out. I didn't know it was on fire.
59. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
60. Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
61. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
62. One time my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles and he kept leaving little messages around the house.
63. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
64. Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's the whole sentence.
65. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
66. The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket.
67. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
68. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
69. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
70. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
71. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
72. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. You're drunk.
73. What did one playing card say to the other? I can't deal with you.
74. What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
75. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
76. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
77. What do you call a cow with bad manners? Beef jerky.
78. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
79. What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
80. What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business
81. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
82. What kind of birds eat at the deli? Bagels.
83. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
84. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
85. What's E.T. short for? He's only got little legs.
86. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
87. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
88. When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
89. When is a pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
90. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
91. Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
92. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
93. Why did the computer hate commuting to work? It had a hard drive.
94. Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
95. Why didn't the elf pay his rent? He was a little short.
96. Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?' Because every play has a cast.
97. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle
98. Why should you avoid artists? They tend to be sketchy.
99. Why should you eat a clock? It's too time-consuming.
100. Why shouldn't you eat clowns? They taste funny.
101. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road, so I asked him, What's the word on the street?
102. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
103. You think talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

Knock Knock Jokes

1. Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Hey, you can yodel
2. Knock, knock. Who's there? A pile-up. A pile-up who? Oh no, yuck
3. Knock, knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie thing you can do, I can do better
4. Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Con… OK, now you say, Control freak who?
5. Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo
6. Knock, knock. Who's there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it's not working
7. Knock, knock. Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hal will you know if you don't open the door?
8. Knock, knock. Who's there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey, bee a dear and get that for me, please
9. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ken. Ken who? Ken I come in?
10. Knock, knock. Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the peephole and find out.
11. Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, that's why I knocked
12. Knock, knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
13. Knock, knock. Who's there? Urine. Urine who? Urine trouble

Jokes for kids

1. Can February march? No, but April may.
2. Did you hear about the soap-stealing robber? He decided to come clean.
3. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve
4. How do pigs do their homework? With a pigpen.
5. How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
6. How do you hire a horse? Put it on a ladder.
7. How do you make a squid laugh? Give it ten-tickles.
8. How does Moses make tea? He brews.
9. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
10. How much do dead batteries cost? There should be no charge.
11. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn't bad either.
12. I used to be afraid of painting, but eventually I brushed it off.
13. One did the T-rex say to the velociraptor? Nothing, they're extinct.
14. What did one eye say to the other? Between us, something smells.
15. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet
16. What did the hamburgers name their new baby? Patty.
17. What did the man say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
18. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny.
19. What do pigs use in the shower? Hogwash.
20. What do you call a pig who knows karate? A pork chop
21. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry
22. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
23. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer
24. What does the ocean do when it sees its friends? Waves
25. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
26. What is a little bear with no teeth is called? A gummy bear
27. What is a tree's least favorite month? Sep-timber
28. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
29. What kind of witch goes to the beach? A sandwich.
30. What's faster hot or cold? Hot, because everyone catches a cold.
31. What's the best way to make an egg roll? Push it.
32. What's the best way to plan a party in space? You planet.
33. What's the pirate's favorite letter? The C.
34. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
35. Why are astronauts so clean? They take meteor showers.
36. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
37. Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd let it go
38. Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It had a bad fall.
39. Why did the owl quit its job? It didn't give a hoot.
40. Why did the sauna go to the doctor? It wasn't feeling so hot.
41. Why did the teddy bear skip out on dessert when she was on a date? She was stuffed.
42. Why did the toddler toss the butter out the window? So she could see a butter-fly.
43. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
44. Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
45. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
46. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
47. Why don't people play more hide-and-seek? Because good players are hard to find.
48. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
49. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It's two gross
50. Why shouldn't you trust jungle animals? They're always lion.

Hilarious Jokes

1. A bear walks into a bar and says, Give me a whiskey… and a cola. Why the big pause? asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. I'm not sure. I was born with them.
2. Do you know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
3. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
4. Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
5. How do trees get online? They just log on.
6. I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
7. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
8. What are a shark's two favorite words? Man overboard.
9. What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner is on me.
10. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
11. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
12. What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
13. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
14. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
15. What's a cat's favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.
16. Where do fish sleep? In a riverbed.
17. Where does the sheep get his haircut? The baa baa shop.
18. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
19. Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice.
20. Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it already has a million degrees.

Funny Jokes

1. 50 cent was two steps away from 60 when he was given his meal, why? Because 50 ate.
2. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
3. After working out for several hours.
4. All my friends found their wives online, I even heard the spider brothers also found their wives on the web.
5. All my sixth grade subjects represent a planet. Although I love the solar system I still find it hard to understand Mars.
6. An average female is an iron man. I mean, an average Fe-male is an iron man
7. Are you grumpy? Because you're certainly not happy or bashful.
8. Astronauts don't eat three square meals, they only feed at launch time.
9. At what time of day was Adam created by God? Before Eve
10. Bee-yoncé is bee's favorite musician.
11. Bees always get on their worst beehavior whenever they see drakes.
12. Bees don't need to visit the salon to have their hair fixed because they have honeycomb.
13. Bees have different nationalities. The ones that reside in the United States are called USB.
14. Between you and me, something smells
15. Birds can also be religious. The cardinal keeps the church running
16. Britains don't know the collective name for spoon, fork and knives. They'd rather call Larry.
17. Can someone please shed more light on how my lamp got stolen?
18. Desert jokes always come with sand warm because they always sync in
19. Doctor: You're allergic to milk
20. Dolphins often flipper coin before they make a decision.
21. Friend: How did you end up on p#rnhub
22. Friend: where is your mask? We are about to rob a bank and you're going with your face exposed?
23. Fungi are always invited on road trip because they don't occupy mush room.
24. Homo habilis are erect, while Australopithecus are not fully erect because they nervous.
25. How did the bird break into the house? It came with a crow bar
26. How did trees have so many friends? They branch out.
27. How do trees have so many friends? They branch out
28. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
29. How do you throw a space party? You planet.
30. How does a vampire pay the mortgage? Blood money.
31. Hummingbirds usually hum when speaking because they don't know the words to use.
32. I almost forgot what a boomerang was, I'm glad it came back to me
33. I am born to be a gymnast with the multiple stunts I pull daily.
34. I am glad when I was told the criminal behind the stealing of my sneakers uses a wheelchair, because he can hide but can't run.
35. I am going to make her love me, my credit score is the only bad thing about me but I'll make sure I get her a-lone
36. I am tired of the constant ups and downs in my life, so I got to stop using the stairs.
37. I decided to stop calling the bathroom John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
38. I feel the sadness of skeletons because they literally have no body
39. I gave up on the caring act of telling my friends the dangers of using cotton buds because it always goes in ear and out the other.
40. I had a change of heart on my way to get a heart transplant.
41. I just want to let you know that I Noah a guy should in case you need an ark
42. I messed up today, I sent a birthday card to my crippled friend where I told him to break a leg. I hope he doesn't take it literally cos I mean no harm
43. I ordered a book called How to scam people online two months ago. It still hasn't arrived yet.
44. I still don't know why people always get mad at me for acting mean towards average people. I seriously don't.
45. I want to say a joke about bees but you better be ready for Impromptu stings.
46. I wanted to make a joke about the friends I miss but I don't want to ketchup.
47. I won't leave the house if I was a spider because I can literally do everything thing on web.
48. I would have developed my muscles by working out often but it's a pro thang
49. I would have said a window joke but it comes with pane.
50. I've been trying to wrap my head around relationships. What do you propose is the best time for marriage?
51. If dolphins were to take part in sport, they will avoid basketball because they fear nets.
52. If you know the gravity of your offense you will fall down to you knees.
53. It took me three years to find out my sixth grade teacher couldn't control her pupils because she had lazy eyes.
54. It took me years to know why balloons don't listen to pop music.
55. It's only right they performed a low-key funeral ceremony for whoever dies while playing the piano
56. It's so romantic how I always feel a hot spot in my chest whenever I tell my wife-hi.
57. Ladies looking for the fruit of the womb, even after having a man, should let that mango
58. My ex said I should get her a birthday gift without expecting anything in return, then I got her a guitar with no string attached to it.
59. My favorite animal is the tiger. I want to be able to do what the tiger-would do without playing golf.
60. My friend is so short that using him hurdle race would be an easy walk over.
61. My kid bro challenged me to a game I once beat him, I remember the pane on his face, I'm still gonna win-though
62. My report card appears so magical because it is filled with elfs.
63. My sign language teacher advised me to practice frequently because her lessons may come in handy
64. No matter how you push the envelope it will not leave its stationery position.
65. Pastries are nitwits, they donut know anything.
66. Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, Whoops, I forgot to feed the dog.
67. She said she's met me at the vegan restaurant last week but I've never seen herbivore.
68. Swallowing food coloring is dangerous because it could make you die from the inside
69. The cruelest but funniest thing I've ever heard is the doctor telling an amputee he needs more digits for his prosthetic fingers
70. The path of a con is a difficult maze to understand.
71. The relationship status of bees remain single until they finally find their honey
72. The sun never miss classes to achieve its goal of been the brightest.
73. Three friends can be close one another by being a fan of each other until they experience a misunderstanding that hits the ceiling
74. Tom is the weakest in my class, everyone dared him more than letters
75. Vegetarians don't always need to purchase their vegetables because their boss also award them with compensatory leave
76. Velcro. What a ripoff.
77. Venus broke up with saturn because she desires for a pluto-nic relationship.
78. What color looks sick? Pale colors
79. What did 1 say to 7? Nice cap
80. What did east say to west? You mustn't go north when things are going south
81. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing.
82. What did the fish say when he posted bail? I'm off the hook
83. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
84. What did the scared fruit say to the banana? Don't go banana.
85. What do bees say when they see an overhyped event? What's all the buzz is about.
86. What do wooden whales eat? Plankton.
87. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
88. What do you call a cow with an award? Coward
89. What do you call a gazelle in a lion's territory? Denzel.
90. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
91. What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
92. What do you call an act of investing in Bill Gates' business? To Investigate
93. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
94. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
95. What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
96. What is a jewelry with micky mouse design called? Carat
97. What is a mockingbird? A rude bird
98. What is common between a tornado and a sports car driver? They always go for a spin
99. What is ground beef? A cow with no legs.
100. What is sticky and brown? A stick.
101. What kind of fruit is always sorry for being a prick? Cactus.
102. What part of the relationship do bees cherish the most?
103. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
104. What's a snake's favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory.
105. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
106. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
107. What's the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30.
108. When a priest holds too much mass, just know he's about to loss weight.
109. When did humans first start growing weed? During the Stoned Age
110. When you hear two people in space say Comet me bro, a fight is about to go down.
111. Whenever I'm in need of assistance, I take only lemonaide.
112. Where do cows go during their leisure hours? The moovies
113. Where do dogs go to replace their docked tail? The reTail store.
114. Where do you go when you need air and peace? I don't go anywhere, I just plug in my earpiece.
115. Why are pirates called pirates? Who knows, they just arrr
116. Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.
117. Why couldn't the leopard play hide-and-seek? Because he was always spotted.
118. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out.
119. Why did the M&M go to school? Because he wanted to be a Smartie.
120. Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
121. Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
122. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
123. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
124. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It's faster than walking.
125. Why do you always find mushrooms in clubs? They are fun guys
126. Why is Danny good at all sports? He got athlete foot
127. Why is she called llene? She stands on equal legs.
128. Why is the sun the most educated? Because it has millions of degrees
129. Why won't peanut butter tell you a secret? He's afraid you'll spread it.
130. Why would I be laid off from my candle manufacturing company because I refused to work on wick end?
131. Will the cat eat its meal without pulling a stunt? I am not a gymnast instructor, but I know the cartwheel.
132. You can find ghost everywhere except the living room.
133. You know what the problem is with jokes about pizza? It's all in the delivery.
134. You will hardly find bees working under people because they're the buzz.

Best Jokes

1. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? Married couples.
2. Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it would go over your head.
3. hat does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
4. How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night.
5. How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They're all girls If they were boys, they'd be uncles.
6. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? Shocked
7. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper? He sent her a pee-mail.
8. How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs
9. How do billboards talk? Sign language.
10. How do porcupines kiss? Carefully
11. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a complete nut
12. How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see their wheels turning.
13. How do you make a lemon drop? Let it fall from the tree.
14. How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
15. How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying? You rocket.
16. How do you talk to a giant? Use big words.
17. How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
18. How does a scientist freshen her breath? With experi-mints.
19. How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern…
20. How does Spiderman do research? On the World Wide Web
21. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
22. How does the ocean say hi? It waves
23. How many months have 28 days? All of them
24. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? Nothing, they were free of charge
25. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
26. If an electric train is traveling south at 10 miles per hour and the wind is blowing North at 10 miles per hour, which way does the smoke blow? Fooled you Electric trains don't blow smoke.
27. Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree
28. Sandy's mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child? Sandy, obviously
29. What animal dresses up and howls? A wearwolf.
30. What animal is always at a baseball game? A bat.
31. What are bald sea captains most worried about? Cap-sies.
32. What board game does the sky love to play? Twister.
33. What building in New York has the most stories? The public library.
34. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? Chocolate Chimp
35. What did one math book say to the other? I've got so many problems.
36. What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.
37. What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn? Where is Pop Corn?
38. What did the bald man say when he received a comb for his birthday? I'll never part with this
39. What did the banana say to the dog? Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
40. What did the bathtub say to the toilet? You look flushed
41. What did the clock ask the watch? Hour you doing?
42. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot
43. What did the elf learn in school? The elf-abet.
44. What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall? Dam
45. What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
46. What did the ghost call his Mum and Dad? His transparents.
47. What did the lava say to his girlfriend? I lava you
48. What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite
49. What did the mama elephant say to her kids when they weren't behaving? Tusk, tusk.
50. What did the nose say to the finger? Quick picking on me
51. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? Freeze. You're under a vest.
52. What did the snowman ask the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
53. What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless
54. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI.
55. What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? The same middle name.
56. What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
57. What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas
58. What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.
59. What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast
60. What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.
61. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
62. What do you call a duck that gets good grades? A wise quacker.
63. What do you call a famous turtle? A shell-ebrity
64. What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
65. What do you call a ghost's true love? A ghoul-friend.
66. What do you call a guy who's really loud? Mike.
67. What do you call a piece of seaweed that's fallen in the trash? Yaki Nori.
68. What do you call a retired vegetable? A has-bean.
69. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
70. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex? A dino-snore
71. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
72. What do you call a tired bull? A bulldozer.
73. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe
74. What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water.
75. What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else? Nacho cheese
76. What do you call two bananas on the floor? Slippers.
77. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts.
78. What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you? Roll them right back.
79. What do you feed an alligator? Anything it wants
80. What do you get if you dip a baby cat in chocolate? A Kitty-Kat Bar
81. What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Food was good, but there really wasn't much atmosphere.
82. What does a triceratops sit on? On its tricera-bottom.
83. What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
84. What food is never on time? Choco-late
85. What fruit do twins love? Pears
86. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
87. What goes up and down but doesn't move? The staircase.
88. What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
89. What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
90. What is a computer's favorite snack? Computer chips.
91. What is a room with no walls? A mushroom.
92. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
93. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.
94. What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.
95. What is the strongest animal in the sea? Mussels.
96. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
97. What kind of chicken is the funniest? A comedi-hen
98. What kind of fish loves going to war? A swordfish.
99. What kind of keys are sweet? Cookies
100. What kind of math do birds love? Owl-gebra
101. What kind of music do bubbles hate? Pop.
102. What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music.
103. What kind of nut doesn't like money? Cash ew.
104. What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shell-fies.
105. What kind of pizza do dogs eat? Pup-eroni pizza
106. What kind of shoes do frogs love? Open-toad
107. What kind of water cannot freeze? Hot water.
108. What makes a sick lemon feel better? Lemon-aid.
109. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
110. What social event do spiders love to attend? Webbings.
111. What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head? Time to duck.
112. What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.
113. What type of key opens a banana? A mon-key.
114. What was a more useful invention than the first telephone? The second telephone.
115. What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon.
116. What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
117. What's a parent's favorite Christmas carol? Silent Night.
118. What's a private investigator's favorite shoe? Sneak-ers.
119. What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
120. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
121. What's Thanos' favorite app on his phone? Snapchat.
122. What's the difference between a car and a fish? You can tune a car but you can't tuna fish.
123. What's the largest gem on earth? A baseball diamond
124. What's the most famous fish? A starfish
125. What's the smartest insect? A spelling bee
126. What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.
127. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
128. When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline is a parent.
129. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In the piano
130. Where do cows go on December 31st? A moo year's eve party.
131. Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? A meatball.
132. Where do most horses live? In neighhh-borhoods
133. Where do vampires keep their money? A blood bank.
134. Where do woodland birds invest their money? The stork-market.
135. Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
136. Which planet loves to sing? Nep-tune
137. Which side of a cow is the hairiest? The outside
138. Which superhero hits home runs? Batman
139. Who eats snails? People who don't like fast food
140. Why are basketball courts always wet? Because the players dribble.
141. Why are elevator jokes the funniest? Because they work on so many levels.
142. Why are fish so intelligent? Because they live in schools
143. Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.
144. Why are penguins socially awkward? Because they don't know how to break the ice.
145. Why are pizza jokes the worst? They're too cheesy.
146. Why are snails slow? Because they're carrying a house on their back.
147. Why can't Elsa have a balloon? Because she'll let it go.
148. Why can't you ever tell a joke around glass? It could crack up.
149. Why can't you ever trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
150. Why can't you trust zookeepers? They love cheetahs.
151. Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
152. Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby? She was a little horse.
153. Why did the banana visit the doctor? She wasn't peeling well
154. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school? For tweeting on a test
155. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
156. Why did the computer get sick? It caught a virus
157. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling a little crummy.
158. Why did the Daddy Rabbit go to the barber? He had a lot of little hares.
159. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn't born yet.
160. Why did the farmer jump on his potato plants? Because he wanted mashed potatoes.
161. Why did the farmer ride his horse into town? Because it was too heavy to carry.
162. Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his leg muscles so much as a kid? He was a little Thor.
163. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants while he played? In case he got a hole in one.
164. Why did the melon jump into the river? Because it wanted to be a watermelon.
165. Why did the peanut get into a rocket? He wanted to be an astro-nut
166. Why did the puppy do so well at school? Because she was the teacher's pet
167. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? Because she was outstanding in her field.
168. Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner? Because he thought he couldn't use his hands.
169. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
170. Why did the teacher have a sack full of birdseed? For her parrot-teacher conferences.
171. Why didn't the lamp sink? It was too light.
172. Why do bowling pins have such a hard life? They're always getting knocked down.
173. Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they always have bills
174. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their buttquacks.
175. Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? Because they have one eye.
176. Why do vampires seem sick? They're always coffin.
177. Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
178. Why don't oysters share? They're shell-fish
179. Why don't you ever see giraffes in middle school? Because they're all in high school.
180. Why is a football stadium always cold? It has lots of fans
181. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.
182. Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because their parents were in a jam.
183. Why was the belt arrested? Because it was holding up some pants.
184. Why was the broom late to school? It over-swept
185. Why was the student's report card wet? It was below C level.

Adult Short Jokes

1. A bossy man walked into a bar, then ordered everyone a round.
2. A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldn't Wouldn't Couldn't Didn't Can't
3. Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? You can buy it with no strings attached.
4. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
5. Did you hear about the ski trip? It started off fine but went downhill fast.
6. Did you hear about the tree that went into banking? It started its own branch.
7. Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
8. Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
9. How do you know when a computer is on a diet? It quits eating after only one byte.
10. How does a lumberjack know how many trees he's cut down? He keeps a log.
11. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it.
12. I don't like shopping centers. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
13. I once made a lot of money cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in.
14. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
15. I used to have an addiction to the hokey pokey, but then I turned it around.
16. I'm not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
17. Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.
18. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, Any idea how to drive this thing?
19. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
20. What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
21. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks—I'll never part with it.
22. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
23. What do cows do on date night? Go to the moo-vies.
24. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
25. What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
26. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
27. What does the man on the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
28. What happened to the archeologist who lost her job? Her career was in ruins.
29. What is an astronaut's favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
30. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1.
31. What's a zebra? A few sizes bigger than an A.
32. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
33. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag's a plus.
34. Why can't male ants sink? They're buoy-ant.
35. Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.
36. Why did the elephant leave the circus? It was sick of working for peanuts.
37. Why did the golfer cry? He was going through a rough patch.
38. Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
39. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
40. Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.
41. Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
42. Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.
43. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food.
44. Why don't calculus majors throw house parties? Because they don't want their guests to drink and derive.
45. Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
46. Why was the math book down in the dumps? It had a lot of problems.