Clever Sports Jokes

1. A man went to the doctor one day and said: I’ve just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt. The doctor gave him the once over as told him, You’ve broken your finger.
2. A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green. The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. Now what? the fellow asked the speechless pro. Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup, the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. Oh great! NOW you tell me. said the beginner.
3. A tennis ball walks into a bar… the barman asks….. Have you been served?
4. A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. It’s for my husband, she tells the clerk Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk. Are you kidding? she says. He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!
5. A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree. With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.
6. After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in Rio Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
7. An American football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play. The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two? The player thought for a moment and then he answered, 4? Did you say 4? the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, Come on coach, give him another chance!
8. An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help. Just jump out the window, a man yells. I’m a cricket player. I can catch you. One smart resident decided to get more information, first. Wait, he said. What team do you play for? I play for England shouts the man. Ehhhh, shrugs the resident. I’ll take my chances with the fire.
9. An Aston Villa fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Aston Villa has lost 3–0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. That’s amazing, says the barman, what does he do when they win? The Aston Villa Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, I dunno… I’ve only had the dog for eight months.
10. An old joke here, the East German pole vault champion who is now the West German champion.
11. Arsenal are a team in transition. They’re going from bad to worse.
12. At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is? The little boy nodded in the affirmative. Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team? The little boy nodded yes. So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded. Good, said the coach, now go over there and explain it to your mother.
13. Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing’ in the rain!
14. Bob and Tom both like to golf. One-day Bob went to Tom and said, Hey look at this great ball! Tom replied, What’s so great about it? Bob said, Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose! Wow! said Tom, Where did you get that from? Bob replied, I found it.
15. Camping is the best extreme sport, It’s in tents.
16. Can I tell you something from the bottom of my heart? Right ventricle
17. Changing a lightbulb How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark talking about how good the old one was.
18. Coach Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy? Player I don’t know and I don’t care!
19. Coach There were twenty teams in the league and we are in the last place? Player -Well, it could have been worse. How? There could have been more teams in the league!
20. Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
21. Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying You cannot be Sirius!
22. Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch? Forget it. You just missed it.
23. Did you hear the joke about the softball? It will leave you in stitches!
24. Did you know that ‘T Shirt’ is actually an abbreviation of Tyrannosaurus Shirt…… because of the short arms.
25. Do people who take their bikes on the subway not realise what bikes are for?
26. Does running late count as exercise?
27. Doing Yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails!
28. During a marathon, there was one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Not that old debate again!
29. During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. It was heart breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope, said Fernando, age 6.
30. Fans from Liverpool, Man U, Boca Juniors and River Plate all meet on the top of a giant cliff to argue about who is the best football fan in the world. The Man U fan says, I am the best football fan of the best football team in the world, and to prove my devotion to football and to Man U, I will jump off this cliff. And as I am falling to my death, I will yell Go Red Devils! The other three fans don’t believe him at first, but he jumps off and yells, Go red Devils! The Liverpool fan, not wanting to be outdone follows suit and jumps off the cliff yelling, For Liverpool! The Boca fan, knowing in his heart that he is truly the greatest football fan in the world yells, Para Boca! and pushes the River Plate fan off the cliff.
31. Fencing joke. What’s the point?
32. Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching!
33. For some time, my wife’s had this crazy idea that I’m playing too much golf. Things finally came to a head at about midnight last night. She suddenly shouted at me: Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf! I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet anybody on the 16th tee at that time of night.
34. Four nuns watching baseball Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there. Then the second guy spoke up and said, I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there. The third guy said, I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there. The fourth guy said, I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there. The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!
35. Getting into shape, I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
36. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer!
37. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
38. Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
39. Golfer: I’d move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.
40. Golfer: My wife says if I don’t stop playing golf, she’s going to leave me! Caddy: I’m sure you will miss her terribly, sir!
41. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting! Caddy: This isn’t a watch, sir, it’s a compass!
42. Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf. Caddy: O! So, he too has played with you?
43. Golfer: Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake. Caddy: I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.
44. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game? Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally, I prefer golf.
45. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: I didn’t realise you had played before, sir.
46. Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world. Caddy: I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
47. Guy: You see doctor, the problem is obesity runs in the family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
48. Harry walked over to the Priest after services, You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary. I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question. Oh Harry Harry, said the Priest putting his arm around Harry, don’t you know? That’s what video recorders and hard drives are for. Harry’s face lit up. You mean I could record your sermon?
49. Have you guys tried the new sport of blindfold archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
50. He’s an ambidextrous fighter. He can get knocked out with either hand.
51. Help! screamed the hunter into his cell phone, I was trying to shoot a deer and by mistake I killed my partner. OK, said the ranger into the phone, try to calm yourself down. First, I would like you to make sure he’s dead. OK, said the hunter, hold on one second. Suddenly, BOOM, then the hunter came back on, Yeah he’s dead.
52. Hockey players are like goldfish. Just tap on the glass to get their attention.
53. How are scrambled eggs and Tottenham Hotspur the same? They’ve both been beaten a lot!
54. How Did The Basketball Get Wet? The players dribbled all over it.
55. How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast? Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.
56. How do baseball players keep in touch with each other? They touch base every once in a while.
57. How Do Baseball Players Stay Cool? They sit next to their fans!
58. How Do Hens Encourage Their Baseball Teams? They egg them on!
59. How do hockey players kiss? They pucker up.
60. How do you know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work!
61. How do you make a fruit punch? Give it boxing lessons.
62. How do you say Floyd Mayweather jnr in Chinese? Ka Ching.
63. How does Lionel Messi change a light bulb? He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
64. How Many Golfers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? FORE!
65. How many Manchester United soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.
66. How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? You wanna go watch the football?
67. How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: three to die trying, one to actually pull it off and the other 46 to say, Man, I could do that!
68. How many teeth does a hockey player have? Don’t you mean tooth?
69. How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What do you mean it was out! It was in!
70. How was your golf game, dear? asked Jack’s wife Tracy. Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went. You’re seventy-five years old, Jack! admonished his wife. Why don’t you take my brother Scott along? But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore, protested Jack. Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you, Tracy pointed out. The next day, Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. Did you see where it went? asked Jack. Yup, Scott answered. Well, where is it? yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. I forgot.
71. hy are umpires always overweight? It’s their job to clean their plates.
72. hy can’t basketball players go on vacation? They aren’t allowed to travel.
73. I am known at the gym as the before picture.
74. I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenge is a blue sock.
75. I can quit alcohol anytime I want. I’ve already done it 8 times before!
76. I enjoy playing chess with old people in the park. The hard part is finding 32 of them.
77. I gave my friend an apple and he told me he prefers pears. So, I gave him another apple.
78. I have decided to stop exercising and learn Photoshop instead.
79. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
80. I just bought a 2 million pound house and a 500,000 pound sports car with my beautiful new wife and signed a new 5 contract to play for Bayern Munich. Yes, my life has certainly gotten better since I took up lying.
81. I just can t believe this; I was burgled the other day and all that was taken was my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go.
82. I kept wondering why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
83. I knew my wife was a keeper the first time I ever saw her. She was wearing massive gloves!
84. I know Ju Jitsu, Judo, Aikido and many other scary words!
85. I love the fall. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the World Series. Just like the Dodgers.
86. I met a couple of Aston Villa supporters at the pub the other night. Do you often go to Villa Park? I asked. Yeah, of course! they said. We’ve found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kick-off we climb over a fence! That sounds great, I replied. Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the game.
87. I named my dog 10 miles, so I can tell people that I walk 10 ten miles every single day!
88. I once entered the world Kleptomaniac championships. I took Gold, Silver and Bronze.
89. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, How flexible are you? I said, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
90. I quit my job working for Nike Just couldn’t do it anymore.
91. I ran a half marathon, sounds so much better than, I quit halfway through a marathon.
92. I signed up for yoga and my new instructor is awesome. He really bends over backwards for me.
93. I think I’m allergic to sport, I keep breaking out in sweat!
94. I think that it is better to give that to get. You have a very generous thinking. Are you a humanitarian? No, I’m a boxer.
95. I thought it was a sure thing, I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past three!
96. I told my girlfriend I had a new job in a bowling alley.. She said Tenpin? I said, No, it’s permanent.
97. I told the cop, ‘You cant write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run later.’ The cop said, ‘Sir, that’s not how you play the race card!’
98. I tried water polo the other day but unfortunately my horse drowned!
99. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.
100. I used to dream of playing golf like Tiger Woods. Now I can.
101. I used to play football with my little son. Until my wife forced me to buy a ball.
102. I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
103. I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tyres. They really messed up my sleep cycle.
104. I used to train using a stopwatch….. now I use a calendar!
105. I was a climbing centre the other day, but someone had stolen all the hand grips from the walls, honestly you couldn’t make it up!
106. I was at a wedding last week. When the bride came down the aisle, the groom was waiting for her with his golf bag and clubs. She asks, Why the heck did you bring your golf clubs to the wedding? He turns to her and replies, Honey, you don’t mean to tell me this is gonna take all day!
107. I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
108. I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.
109. I was watching the Olympics and there was a man with a really long bag over his shoulder. I said to him, you must be a pole vaulter? He replied: No, I am a German and how do you know my name?
110. I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out……
111. I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?
112. I’m just back from my friend’s funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit him in the head…. It was a beautiful service, to be fair.
113. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
114. I’m sporting a quarantine beard. I didn’t like it at first, but it’s growing on me.
115. I’m thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator of sporting events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
116. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
117. I’ve been breeding racing deer I’m just trying to make a quick buck.
118. I’ve been running as fast as I can, but I still cant catch my breath.
119. I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match. I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.
120. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
121. If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would’ve placed 4th so I wouldn’t have to climb onto the Podium.
122. If you drink, don’t drive… Don’t even putt.
123. In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They were astonished and said: What a clever dog! But the man protested and replied: No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!
124. In the 1984 sheep dog trials, none were convicted!
125. Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.
126. is Yankee Stadium the coolest place to be? It’s full of fans.
127. It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. What’s up? he asks. Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered. Ronaldo looks at them and says, Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub. So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few caipirinhas. After a few drinks, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the tele on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads ‘Brazil 1–Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)’. He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more drinks later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers ‘It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on’. They put the scores back on. Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)–Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)’. They can’t believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. hey find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down. Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end! No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes.
128. Jose Mourinho was caught speeding on his way to the Tottenham Hotspur stadium today. I’ll do anything for three points, he said when questioned.
129. Just had a good workout at the YMCA, I don’t want to make a song and a dance about it.
130. Juventus just finished playing Man United in the Champions League, a little fan runs up to Ronaldo after the match waving a piece of paper to get an autograph. CR says, Sure, do you have a pen? The kid says, I’ll get one. Throws himself on the ground and starts rolling around, holding his knee and crying. Cristiano says, You said you were getting a pen. The kid replies, Well, it works for you.
131. Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. No, he replies. I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone. Why don’t you invite a friend? I can’t. They’re all at the funeral.
132. Man, I burned 3000 calories easily today. I left my food in the oven for too long!
133. Manager to player: I’ll give you 100 pounds a week to start with and 200 pounds a week in a year’s time! Player to Manager: Well, I’ll come back in a year’s time!
134. My coach asked me the other day if I could perform under pressure. I told him ‘No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody.’
135. My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
136. My doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to my high sodium intake. I took what he said with a pinch of salt.
137. My favourite sport of Rugby says a lot about my life. It has a breakdown every ten seconds, and so do I.
138. My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un American. I saw it coming from kilometre away.
139. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.
140. My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed. I told her its unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
141. My news years resolution is to go to the gym….. ….. and cancel that membership I’ve been wasting money on.
142. My struggle with steroid addiction didn’t kill me…But it made me stronger.
143. My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it!
144. My wife insists that yoga is the BEST form of exercise. But that’s stretching things to far.
145. My wife left me because of gambling addiction. I bet I can win her back
146. My wife said, I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis! I replied, That’s 15 love!
147. Patient: Doctor, please, please help me. I keep thinking I’m John McEnroe! Doctor: You cannot be serious!
148. Paul is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
149. Ref: I’m sending you off. Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!
150. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
151. Sarah was reading a newspaper whilst her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. Listen to this, she said. There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium. Hmmm, her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, Would you swap me for a season ticket? Absolutely not, he said. How sweet, Sarah said. Tell me why not. Season’s more than half over, he said.
152. Soccer is surprisingly relevant to my life. Just consider the lack of goals.
153. Some say my company sells substandard parachutes….But no customer has complained so far.
154. Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
155. Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move. We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.
156. Tennis would be so much more fun if they used dogs instead of kids to fetch the balls.
157. The boating store was having a big sale on canoes. There were lots of people there, It was quite the oar deal.
158. The Golfer asked his Caddy, Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy replied, The way you play, Sir, it’s a sin to play any day of the week!
159. The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out Aston Villa are good enough to win the Champions League Snow White says, Well at least Dopey’s alive!
160. The walk from the changing room to the ring is too long, says the boxer. No worries, on your way back you will come back with the stretcher…
161. They say the best way to beat the rush at Villa Park is to stay and watch to the end of the game!
162. This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now. It probably went over your head, didn’t it?
163. Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. I blame the general manager, said the first fan. If he signed better players, we’d be a great team. I blame the players, said the second fan. If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points. I blame my parents, said the third. If I’d been born in New England, I’d be supporting a decent team.
164. To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m coming after you.
165. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
166. Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, How are you able to stay this deep without equipment? The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, I’m drowning, you moron!
167. Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares them silly. They drop their guns and run like hell. One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can’t outrun the bear! To this the hunter said, I know, all I have to do is outrun you!
168. Two not very clever runners were out training in the countryside and they noticed some tracks. The first said, Deer tracks? No, replied the second, Bear tracks. The conversation ended abruptly when the train hit them.
169. Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven? Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same. They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol… . Sol responds, Abe! Is that you? Yes it is, Sol, whispers Abe’s ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in Heaven? Well, says Abe, I’ve got good news and bad news. Gimme the good news first, says Sol. Abe says, Well, there is baseball in Heaven. Sol says, That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that? Abe sighs and whispers, You’re pitching on Friday.
170. Two runners are out training in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. I’ll go into town for a doctor, the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. I can’t leave, the doctor says. But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. What did the doctor say? the victim cries. He says you’re gonna die.
171. Two surfers are getting ready to paddle out. Surfer one: Hey, guess what! I got a new longboard for my wife! Surfer two: Great trade!
172. We moved the treadmill outside so I can smoke.
173. What are Arsenal fans going to do after they win the Champions League? Shut down the play-station.
174. What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
175. What are the rules for zebra baseball? Three stripes and you’re out.
176. What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events due to Covid? Well, we are going to televise the world origami championships live it will be on paper view!!!
177. What did Mike Tyson say to his girlfriend? You’re EARresistable.
178. What did the baseball glove say to the ball? Catch ya later!
179. What did the bowling pins do because they kept getting hit? They went on strike.
180. What did the softball glove say to the ball? Catch ya later!
181. What do call people who go to the gym and look at the equipment? Weight watchers
182. What do they call a boxer who gets upset at getting beaten up in a fight? A sore loser.
183. What do you call 11 millionaires gathered around the TV to watch the Champions League Final? Manchester Cities first team.
184. What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsmanship!
185. What do you call a cat with a sports car? A furr-ari…
186. What do you call a Cleveland Browns QB at the Super Bowl? A spectator.
187. What do you call a lady in goal? Annette!
188. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
189. What do you call and Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
190. What do you call someone who is bad at sports but likes to participate? A try athlete.
191. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. A bit like the two Spanish fireman Jose and Hose B.
192. What do you do? I race cars. Do you win many races? No, the cars are much faster.
193. What do you get if you cross a ball and Romelu Lukaku? A goal kick.
194. What do you get when you cross a running back and the Invisible Man? Scoring like no one has ever seen.
195. What does a basketball player do once he loses his sight? They become a referee.
196. What does a cricketer and a magician have in common? They both do hat tricks.
197. What goes all the way around the baseball field but never moves? The fence.
198. What is a banana’s favorite gymnastic move? The splits!
199. What is a boxer’s favourite part of a joke? The punch line!
200. What is cardboard’s favorite sport? Boxing.
201. What is Sean Connery’s favorite sport and when does he play it? Tennish
202. What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it!
203. What is the noisiest sport? Racquetball
204. What kind of stories are told by basketball players? Tall Tales.
205. What Kinds Of Stories Are Told By Basketball Players? Tall tales!
206. What race is never run? A swimming race!
207. What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The side-line.
208. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
209. What Should A Soccer Team Do If The Pitch Is Flooded? Bring on their subs!
210. What sport is played by angry French people? Lacrosse.
211. What time does Rafa Nadal go to his bed? Ten-ish.
212. What US state loves a sport so much they named themselves after it? It’s tennis, see?
213. What would you call one of the world’s greatest hockey player if he’d decided not to play hockey? Wayne Regretsky.
214. What would you get if you crossed a pitcher and the Invisible Man? Pitching like no one has ever seen.
215. What’s a ghost’s favorite soccer position? Ghoul keeper.
216. What’s harder to catch the faster you run? Your breath, of course.
217. What’s is called when a dinosaur gets a goal? A dino-score.
218. What’s the difference between a Celtic fan and a coconut? You can get a drink out of a coconut!
219. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire? One steals watches and one watches steals.
220. What’s the difference between a teabag and England? The teabag stays in the cup longer!
221. What’s the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you’re out if you are caught stealing.
222. What’s the difference between basketball players and soccer players? Basketball players get actual injuries.
223. What’s the difference between England and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup longer.
224. What’s the difference between hockey and boxing? In hockey, the fights are real.
225. What’s the difference between LeBron James and time? Time actually passes.
226. What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.
227. What’s the worst thing about being lonely? Playing Frisbee.
228. When I go jogging, I always wear my old CD player, so people think I have been running since the 90’s.
229. When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn’t play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
230. When I was younger, I wanted to play the tennis really badly. Now after many years of hard work and practice. I can play tennis really badly.
231. When I’m racing my motorbike, I can’t decide whether to have my visor half open or half closed!
232. When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t. Do you know what season it is? He thought a moment. Baseball?
233. Where do bad gymnasts belong? Behind parallel bars!
234. Where do catchers sit at lunch? Behind the plate.
235. Where Do Old Bowling Balls End Up? In the gutter!
236. Where do personal trainers get their food? In the fitchen!
237. Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from? The tooth fairy.
238. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
239. Which goalie can jump higher than the crossbars? All of them. Crossbars can’t jump.
240. Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker.
241. Who was the poet of basketball? Longfellow.
242. Why are baseball umpires fat? They always clean their plate!
243. Why are basketball players such messy eaters? They’re always dribbling
244. Why are frogs so good at basketball? They always make the jump shots.
245. Why are hockey players so good at making friends? They’re quick to break the ice.
246. Why are hockey rinks rounded? Because if they had 90 degrees, the ice would melt.
247. Why can’t you play soccer in the jungle? There’s too many cheetahs!
248. Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard? Because his Visa didn’t work!
249. Why Did The Chicken Get Sent Off? For persistent fowl play!
250. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his Quarter back.
251. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one.
252. Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!
253. Why did the police officer go to the softball game? Someone stole second base!
254. Why did the skydiving club disband? Because they had a falling out.
255. Why did the soccer ball quit the team? He was tired of being kicked around.
256. Why Didn’t The Dog Want To Play Football? It was a boxer.
257. Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
258. Why do football players like smart women? Well you know, opposites attract.
259. Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards? If they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat!
260. Why do soccer players do so well at math? Because they are always using their heads!
261. Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball? Because if he raised them both, he’d fall down.
262. Why doesn’t Cinderella play sports? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.
263. Why doesn’t the fastest land animal get to participate in any sports? Because he’s a cheetah.
264. Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer? They watch cricket, instead.
265. Why is not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might be arrested!
266. Why is suntanning not an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
267. Why is tennis such a noisy game? Because each player raises a racket!
268. Why should a bowling alley be quiet? So you can hear a pin drop!
269. Why should you never date tennis players? To them, Love means nothing.
270. Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
271. Why was the basketball player sitting on the sidelines drawing chickens? Coach told her to learn how to draw fouls.
272. Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team? They needed a little team spirit.
273. Yo mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team.
274. Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
275. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
276. You know a shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark… So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
277. You know I spent all day yesterday practicing throwing with blunt javelins. Pointless.